Need Advice: Being a USPSA Compeditor and having a family

[Malarkey]

So my Fiance and I got into a discussion the other day about USPSA/Shooting Sports in general. I started competing in USPSA back in April 2015 and have come a long way. I quickly went from B to Master Class in production in a matter of months. I shot roughly 5 major matches and I have become very entrenched in the shooting community locally at two different clubs. My fiance was super supportave the entire year, but just recently she told me that she does not want to become a "shooters wife". Now I dont want to give up everything that I have invested in....or renounce all of my new friends in the community so that is out, but I am looking for general advice on how to come out with both parties happy.

So, my question is:

Who has experienced this, and how did you work through it?

If you made a compromise, then how did you do it?

[Sarge]

You really don't want to hear what I have to say.

[kellymc]

Not sure what to say . My wife will sit thru a heat wave and a 4 inch downpour at the Double Tap Championship to see her daughter shoot and be a squadmom and her squad.

[kneelingatlas]

Three questions:
1. What do you and your fiance like to do together?

2. What does she do on her own?

3. Do you plan to have kids?

[Nathanb]

Pick one because you're going to have to. If she's not supportive now she's definitely not going to be once she's entrenched.

[BritinUSA]

Compromise:

If you are shooting every weekend then cut it in half, spend the other weekends with your fiancé.

If you are using all your vacation days attending major matches then cut it in half, spend the other vacation days with your fiancé.

[waktasz]

Eject

[ttolliver]

Your situation may be similar to others here, but your relationship dynamics with your fiance are uniquely yours. However from the perspective of 30 years of marriage and lots of 20/20 hindsight, hehehe...

My only advice is to take a hard, honest look at your passion and make sure it's never selfish. Having a wife and a family means giving up a lot of freedom and taking a completely different view of disposable income from when you are single.

For instance, if your fiance goes down the deep end in something, are you willing to follow her around, be supportive, and be pathetically bored spectating when you could be at a match you want to be at? Or would you be the first to suggest you just go your separate ways. You see where I'm going there. A successful marriage isn't a one way street.

And I think someone slipped this in above me while I was typing, but don't make the mistake of thinking a Saturday spent at home with the spousal unit is a waste and there's no reason not to be at a match.

[motosapiens]

tell her you don't want to be a nagging shrew's husband. that should solve the problem.

[jkrispies]

Your situation may be similar to others here, but your relationship dynamics with your fiance are uniquely yours. However from the perspective of 30 years of marriage and lots of 20/20 hindsight, hehehe...

My only advice is to take a hard, honest look at your passion and make sure it's never selfish. Having a wife and a family means giving up a lot of freedom and taking a completely different view of disposable income from when you are single.

For instance, if your fiance goes down the deep end in something, are you willing to follow her around, be supportive, and be pathetically bored spectating when you could be at a match you want to be at? Or would you be the first to suggest you just go your separate ways. You see where I'm going there. A successful marriage isn't a one way street.

And I think someone slipped this in above me while I was typing, but don't make the mistake of thinking a Saturday spent at home with the spousal unit is a waste and there's no reason not to be at a match.

What he said. Being single and being married are two different animals. And being married without kids is a different animal than being married with kids.

[Nimitz]

her comment that she doesn't want to become a "shooter's wife" lends me to believe that:

1) she is not as supportive as your might believe

2) she believes that you can not have an interest that you're passionate about which doesn't include her

Not really interested in trying to make this an Ann Landers advice column but I'm going to guess that you're on the younger side & not some 40 ish + who's been married for 20 + years? While not universally true, I think you'll find that those of us who've been married for a while have developed relationships where each spouse recognizes that it's ok for the other to have passions in which they may have no involvement in ... and that's not only ok but good for a healthy relationship. My wife has seen me shoot exactly one time in the 4 years I've been in this sport and other then asking "did you win?" when I come home from a match, she really has basically no involvement in shooting. Likewise, I have no involvement in her interest in chasing Jason Issacs around the country at his movie premieres and conventions he attends with her small circle of 'groupies' and having dinner with him & hanging out with him at charity golf tournaments ....

My advice? You'll need to have a frank discussion with her that having something you (or she) is passionate about that doesn't necessarily involve the spouse is ok .... good luck, I don't envy you ,...

Edited January 6, 2016 by Nimitz

[lcs]

So my Fiance and I got into a discussion the other day about USPSA/Shooting Sports in general. I started competing in USPSA back in April 2015 and have come a long way. I quickly went from B to Master Class in production in a matter of months. I shot roughly 5 major matches and I have become very entrenched in the shooting community locally at two different clubs. My fiance was super supportave the entire year, but just recently she told me that she does not want to become a "shooters wife". Now I dont want to give up everything that I have invested in....or renounce all of my new friends in the community so that is out, but I am looking for general advice on how to come out with both parties happy.

So, my question is:

Who has experienced this, and how did you work through it?

If you made a compromise, then how did you do it?

Look inside for the answer. What is important to you! Once you say "I do", the game changes forever. What if golf was your passion-Would she say the same! I ride a Harley for fun. If a woman doesn't ride-its a no-brainer. I move on.

Again, what is important to you. Woman are like houses--you may really like the one your looking at, but there is always a nicer one around the corner.

Communicate with her-not us.

[MarkS_A18138]

Here is what I told my daughter a long time ago, since she grew up in a house of all competition shooters...When you get a boyfriend, you need to make sure he is a shooter or understands the demand of it.. Damn it then she started dating one of the kids I was coaching and now they are engaged!

[kneelingatlas]

Communicate with her-not us.

Best advice of all!

[jkrispies]

My only advice is to take a hard, honest look at your passion and make sure it's never selfish. Having a wife and a family means giving up a lot of freedom and taking a completely different view of disposable income from when you are single... And I think someone slipped this in above me while I was typing, but don't make the mistake of thinking a Saturday spent at home with the spousal unit is a waste and there's no reason not to be at a match.

While not universally true, I think you'll find that those of us who've been married for a while have developed relationships where each spouse recognizes that it's ok for the other to have passions in which they may have no involvement in ... and that's not only ok but good for a healthy relationship. My wife has seen me shoot exactly one time in the 4 years I've been in this sport and other then asking "did you win?" when I come home from a match, she really has basically no involvement in shooting.

I think the two above comments are key. Plus, I think the best marriage advice out there is the old saw "Always give more than you take"... as long as it goes both ways. (Ignore the math-- it just has to seem that way to both parties!)

My wife has no issue with me shooting since she knows that it's my passion which keeps me SANE after working my typical 50-60 hours per week supporting the family because it allows me to blow off some steam with the boys. Additionally, she takes great comfort in the fact that anybody who chooses to mess with my loved ones will do so at the peril of finding themselves at the extremely sharp end of a very long stick.

On the flip side, I know that it's important to my family (and now I'm talking about both wife and kids, BTW) that I'm spending time with them more often than I'm not. I've got kids to raise right, and that comes first. PERIOD. I dry fire daily before going to work by waking up at 5am while she and the kid are still asleep, so they don't even have a clue about my practice regimen, lol. I also know that my wife needs some "me time" on occasion, and I don't even blink when it's time for me to suggest that I stay home with the kid so she can have a girls night out or even a weekend.

Furthermore, every year I have a choice: I can save up for a new gun (or two) or I can take my family to Disneyland in the Spring and a big family trip in the summer. To give a hint on my decision, I choose to shoot a 20 year old Glock, a 10 year old Kimber, an 8 year old AR, and I'm still working on getting that Benelli. Oh, yeah, and I reload on a 10 year old 550 instead of two 650's and a 1050. That isn't to say that I don't sink hundreds of dollars a year into upgrading my equipment to keep it all up to an acceptable standard of competitiveness, but that's a whole lot different than a lot of the guys I shoot with who have the newest and coolest of everything with an identical backup... and two 650's and a 1050. And, it should be added, that when I spend $650 on a new scope like I just did, then that essentially means the wife goes without a new purse and shoes. We both know that, and I show my appreciation for it.

I shoot 1-2 club matches a month: I have fun, I hang with the guys, and frankly if that's all I get to shoot then that's fine with me. As far as majors go, I have one that's close enough to my house that I don't need a hotel to attend it-- that's a no-brainer, and I do it every year. My area championship I go to with my buddy (remember how she also gets the occassional weekend with her girlfriends?) so that's not a problem. Another major is 400 miles away from my home, but within an hour's drive of my wife's grandmother's house; this year we plan on me shooting that while she visits her relatives so it's a win for both of us.

Here's my simple fact of the matter: I'm not a Master, but I know that I could be if were more selfish about how I handle myself in the sport. Nonetheless, my family always comes first, and I'm happy to make that choice. Your choice is on you.

Edited January 6, 2016 by jkrispies

[Beastly]

I would greatly miss her.

Edited January 6, 2016 by Beastly

[rowdyb]

Find our her area of concern. See what you can do to alleviate it. If this doesn't bring something reasonable then the hard choices begin. Also be able to clearly articulate your own goals and expectations in a way she clearly understands.

My wife and I say "We're both grown adults. I don't "let" my husband do anything more than he "lets" me do something." Normally she says this after a married friend says something we find ludicrous like, 'my wife won't let me have a motorcycle', or 'my wife won't let me go to the match'. Both my wife and I find this equally baffling.

Maybe that makes us heartless, too independent or selfish. I think it gives us more respect and freedom.

You'll establish your level of communication and understanding. If it leads to something you feel resentful about or find sub optimal that's on you.

My wife would get rid of me if I didn't help her achieve her very best and if she was holding me back I'd do the same. I don't begrudge her long hours at the hospital and she doesn't rankle at my time spent on shooting.

[d_striker]

Eject

[Sarge]

Eject

My thoughts too but didn't quite know how to say it. That is FUNNY!

[AzShooter]

Best bet is to take her to the range and show her how much fun you are having. Let her shoot your gun and see if she wants one of her own.

I did this with my wife when I was shooting Archery. Definately not a spectator sport unless you are very interested. She eventually wanted her own boy and even after our divorce she kept shooting. Same with my gun shooting. I brought her to a number of competitions to show her how much fun it was. She then wanted her own gun. She didn't compete with her gun but learned to respect my wishes to keep going to matches.

You need to let her know you still care for her but want some time with your own hobby. Let her have as much time with her hobbies as possible and thing will work out.

Don't try to force her into it. Show her the fun and let her make up her own mind.

[MilkMyDuds]

This is why most weekends I am driving my boys to various hockey games instead of going to matches...

I am so looking forward to retirement but I know other things will give by then.

[Husker95]

You have to find the middle ground. I love fishing as much as i love USPSA but i love them even more when my family is involved. My son shoots most matches with me and i rarely go fishing without him. Sometimes the conditions are too harsh to take mom out practicing or fishing but we would RATHER have her with us - and she often is. Having said that, she has her own interests/friends/pastimes which often dont jive with sweating it out at the Mile High in late June or ice fishing when its -36.

The concept applies equally to most interests - i know guys who have golfed and hunted themselves out of marriages as well. If you're well-matched as a couple and honest with yourselves setting priorities for time and other resources is pretty simple. If its hard, well..........

[mjohn]

Eject

My thoughts too but didn't quite know how to say it. That is FUNNY!

Well.........since humor is being applied................how about................"........unload and show clear."

[pointerman1967]

OK, so I teach a marriage class at our church and without assuming any faith on your part I can say this. There is no way either of you can come home and give your all to one another without having ways to get your batteries recharged. A good marriage is a lot of work and takes a lot of self sacrificial love to work. If you don't each have some of your own same sex friends and some stuff you do apart from one another you will likely struggle to be able to give each other 100%. You won't be able to shoot a match every weekend, but you need to keep doing what you love or you will grow to resent her which will lead to failure. I am 48, have a 12 and 13 year old and shoot an average of 1.5 matches a month. I take my 13 year old son with me and he competes as well. About once a year my wife and daughter will join us at a match for moral support. My wife has plenty of time with her friends without me.

[Bkreutz]

Since you said "Fiance" I'm assuming you're not married yet. My advice....Run away, this is only the beginning of the "I can change him to what I like" path. (BTW I've been married for 38 years and she supports all my ventures through the years)