Things You Only Do Once -

[Middle Man]

And here I thought 4x4 Chevy's, ski ropes, and snow disks were a bad idea in Alabama.

[John Heiter]

Most of my life lessons seem to fall into one of four categories...alcohol, moving vehicles, sharp objects, and flames. Here's a sample:

1. Never tie a sheet of plywood behind a fourwheeler doing about 30mph. Try to stay on the plywood while doing do-nuts on your highschool football field late at night. If you have trouble, add beer until you get it right.

2. Basically the same thing as number 1 but with an old style refrigerator door across a soybean field when you get that once every five years inch of snow here in MS. FYI, that inch of snow may cover up the sharp sticks but they're still there.

3. Never open a frosted glass shower stall door by kicking it open "karate kid style".

4. Never whittle anything while holding your workpiece in the palm of your hand instead of out away from you.

5. Never replace a broken eye guide on a fishing rod using hotmelt glue...while seated indian style.

6. Did I mention welding while seated?

7. Never borrow your dad's boat, truck, and trailer to take your buddies fishing in the Gulf after staying out all night partying the night before.

8. Speaking of Dad, it's never a good idea but particularly never use the "B" word when referring to your mother when Dad is around to hear it?

9. Never shoot flaming arrows. That sort of thing is strictly for the Duke Boys.

10. Never look to see why when someone says "Don't stick your head out".

11. Never fish two men in a boat without a hat on.

12. Never play "who can scare who" in a go-kart. Especially true around a lake.

13. Never throw sealed gallon cans of paint into a bonfire.

14. Never try to keep an entire Spring Break's worth of beer cold by using a big block of dry ice.

15. Never challenge a stripper to a drinking contest.

16. I don't care if your last name is Houdini, never tell a man who has been to a military survival school that you can escape after being tied up.

17. Never jump out of a boat that's pulling a skier.

18. Never try to see what happens if you hold on to a bottle rocket instead of letting it go corolary: never have a bottle rocket war wearing those nylon Umbro type shorts.

19. Never drink anything that contains a chunk of lighter wood to "mellow" it.

20. Never try to clean the crud out of your car's cigarette lighter while driving.

[tightloop]

Yep....all those sound like things you'd only do once...

[Genghis]

1. Never tie a sheet of plywood behind a fourwheeler doing about 30mph. Try to stay on the plywood while doing do-nuts on your highschool football field late at night. If you have trouble, add beer until you get it right.

2. Basically the same thing as number 1 but with an old style refrigerator door across a soybean field when you get that once every five years inch of snow here in MS. FYI, that inch of snow may cover up the sharp sticks but they're still there.

Never wakeboard on a sheet of plywood. The large surface area DOES pop a big guy up onto the top of the water even with a rowboat and 18 hp motor, and you CAN stand on the plywood for a while, but when you fall off there's an excellent chance you'll end up with a wicked looking scrape from the edge of the board. Only did it once (drive the boat for a guy on a sheet of plywood, that is).

[tightloop]

I did not do it, but was witness to it...a guy on an old KZ1000 doing a wheelie on the downhill side of the overpass where 610 goes over 59 in Houston...he must have been doing 75 or so and pulls the wheel in 5PM traffic...to the best of my knowledge, he lived to talk about it...

[redmist10]

Never tie two 4x8 sheets of plywood to the bed of your truck....with the high ends in the front....and then jump on the Interstate (in the rain).

If you do, just go back to the hardware store (ten minutes later) and buy two more, tie them down with the high ends in the back and act like you live close by....

[bierman]

Here's another armadillo related one...

I have a vivid recollection of my father and several of his buddies on a bird hunting trip at out family's place in SW Texas. One of them somehow manages to capture a full sized armadillo in a 55 gal drum. My dad decides he is going to knock the critter out and attempts said excercise utilizing the barrel of his 16 ga. Remington 870 Wingmaster. The critter was not at all impressed with my dad's choice of weapon and declined the offer to surrender. The shotgun was also not happy with my dad and he is now the proud owner of a vintage 870 Wingmaster that can almost shoot around corners.

As if that was not enough, another of the guys present decided he would grab the armadillo by the tail and lift him out of the drum. Again, the armadillo was not in a negotiating mood and used those nice, long, powerful claws to remove most of the guys palm. I was fairly young at the time (under 10) but I still remember thinking that I would never try to pick up an armadillo.

BTW, if anyone knows where I can find a barrel for a 16 ga. 870 Wingmaster, let me know. I would love to give my dad his shotgun back. He got it when he turned 16 and he just turned 58, so I know he would like to have it again.

[SiG Lady]

Armadillos make such great stories!!

I've never been to Texas. I get the feeling I've missed something because of that.

[gino_aki]

I'm not too sure if anybody on here will relate to this (see my avatar), but the time to bail off the board when caught inside a set wave at Sunset Beach is not when the lip of the wave is about two feet from your head.

[tightloop]

Well, I am not kin to Laird Hamilton, but I totally understand...

[kevin c]

Another one:

Never forget to close the hatchback of your wife's minivan if you intend to ever get back into a garage that has no other entrance/exit than a roll down door.

Turns out that the door lip will push down but not close the hatch, which will then immediately spring back up and jam against the inside bracing of the door. Trying to open it again will only jam it in tighter, and leave only a 5" gap at the bottom (just big enough to stick your head in and see how stupid you were).

[45gunner]

Was adjusting the length of a stick used to support an IPSC target by breaking it with a swift downward kick.

The top part of the stick flew up and hit me in the elbow. Thought my arm was broke.

[EricW]

So there I am....filling up my bike tire with my 5 HP air compressor.

"Hmm...the tire has a funny bulge around the stem. I wonder if...."

Just for future reference, putting more air in the tire to see it will get better is the wrong answer. I thought I might have broke my hand when the tube exploded.

========================================================

So there you are, handpropping your WWII surplus airplane with Dad in the cockpit and your Dad's best friend watching. ("Surplus" is your first clue that things are about to go badly. The Army sells airplanes surplus for a reason...) Our airplane has a five cylinder engine. And there are only 3 good cylinders to try and start the engine off of, because the other two force you to be somewhat off balance and risk getting caught in the prop when the engine catches.

And yes, I got hot-magged on the worst possible cylinder and the engine started with me inches from the blade. Fortunately, I learned to keep my left hand on the spinner so that I could push off when the crap hit the fan. Dad's friend kept his cool, but just shook his head later.

What happened was that the grounding lead from the mag had become disconnected from the airframe, so there was no way to turn the magnetos off. Believe it or not, I actually had this happen...twice. Never again did I handprop and airplane without verifying the grounding circuit as part of my pre-flight. And never again did I take anyone's word for the position of mag switch.

[38superman]

You have neglected your chores so the lack of clean underwear has you "going commando".

You step up to the urinal and when finished, zip up your coveralls.

Unfortunately some very delicate skin gets caught and intertwined with the zipper.

The pain is not something you can take lightly.

The need for relief is urgent and is only exceeded by the fear of what unzipping may entail.

I guarantee that you will never allow this to happen again as long as you live.

Tls

Edited July 16, 2006 by tlshores

[ima45dv8]

Things you only do once -- let tin foil inadvertently contact any fillings or metal-backed bridgework in my mouth.

[Merlin Orr]

Things you only do once.

Carry valuables in a vehicle without an alarm system.

Bet Benny Hill you can leg press as much as he can!

Edited July 19, 2006 by Merlin Orr

[crday]

Demonstrating proper fly rod technique in any room that has a ceiling fan....

[RifleShooter]

Things you only do once:

Leave a cabinet door open when I bend over to pick up something that just fell on the floor. Especially when I have just recently moved to a new city, and know no one. Driving myself to the emergency room with a bag of ice on my head in a manual transmission car was quite a feat, especially considering the head trauma I had just experienced. I suppose it was good that I had to wait an hour or so in the ER, since by then my head was numb from the ice, so I could not feel it when they started poking around up there. 5 staples in my head were enough to convince me that no cabinet door shall ever be open around my head again.

I now have cabinet door radar in my head.

Arnie

[DMS42]

Things you only do once:

Leave a cabinet door open when I bend over to pick up something that just fell on the floor. Especially when I have just recently moved to a new city, and know no one. Driving myself to the emergency room with a bag of ice on my head in a manual transmission car was quite a feat, especially considering the head trauma I had just experienced. I suppose it was good that I had to wait an hour or so in the ER, since by then my head was numb from the ice, so I could not feel it when they started poking around up there. 5 staples in my head were enough to convince me that no cabinet door shall ever be open around my head again.

I now have cabinet door radar in my head.

Arnie

OUCH!

[standles]

Never again did I handprop and airplane without verifying the grounding circuit as part of my pre-flight. And never again did I take anyone's word for the position of mag switch.

I can't stand finger propping the RC type much less think about hand propping the full size critters.

Now for my addition...

Never ride with your best friends dad to pick up a new ag truck (Commercial areail spraying plane) and never eargerly agree when he asks if you want to ride back with him in the airplane while his son drives the truck back. Why is this bad you ask? It was a one seater of course and I got to ride in the empty chemical tank. Maybe not that bad but then he wants to practice on a field on the way home.

[iainmcphersn]

Things you only do once:

Leave a cabinet door open when I bend over to pick up something that just fell on the floor. Especially when I have just recently moved to a new city, and know no one. Driving myself to the emergency room with a bag of ice on my head in a manual transmission car was quite a feat, especially considering the head trauma I had just experienced. I suppose it was good that I had to wait an hour or so in the ER, since by then my head was numb from the ice, so I could not feel it when they started poking around up there. 5 staples in my head were enough to convince me that no cabinet door shall ever be open around my head again.

I now have cabinet door radar in my head.

Arnie

Least you don't have a paintball scar on your chest..

[jostein jensen]

vehicle related from a track-day (www.acr.no)

don't EVER use the three point harness because the four-point takes longer to put on and adjust... EVER...

the driver losts control into the turn after the straight line. 110mph+

we hit the wall passenger broadside first at 55mph. tracker and logger to show speed on impact.

got several cracked ribs and pretty much banged up on impact. the ribs would have been saved with the 4-point as it would have reduced the chest twist..

[dajarrel]

Once was enough....

Do you realize that a Dillon 650 doesn't care one iota that your finger has slipped between the bullet and the brass when seating the bullet?

Do you also realize that the pain in the left index finger takes a while to alert the brain to tell the right hand to get the pressure off handle of the said 650? (probably no more than a few milliseconds, but it seems like a millenium or two )

I didn't cut a plug out of it, but the fingertip was badly discolored, had a semi-circular impression and was completely numb for several days.

dj

[Keith]

Once was enough....

Do you realize that a Dillon 650 doesn't care one iota that your finger has slipped between the bullet and the brass when seating the bullet?

Do you also realize that the pain in the left index finger takes a while to alert the brain to tell the right hand to get the pressure off handle of the said 650? (probably no more than a few milliseconds, but it seems like a millenium or two )

I didn't cut a plug out of it, but the fingertip was badly discolored, had a semi-circular impression and was completely numb for several days.

dj

This also applies to 550's.

You wouldn't think that so much blood could come out of one thumb.

[PaulW]

Set 2 boxes of 500, 125 grian Zero JHP's on the back of your wifes truck and forget about them. Get a call that she has gold shit flying off her truck all the way down the street. Trying to find and pick up 1000 bullets from a residential street.