I participate in full-contact origami

[-JQ-]

A classic "True" tale...

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

[vluc]

I may have a job for that person when they get out!

[JThompson]

Anyone that witty deserves a shot in my book.

[Singlestack]

Is his name Chuck Norris?

[little_kahuna]

Is his name Chuck Norris?

+1

[el pres]

Is his name Chuck Norris?

+1

It's Al Gore !!

[Alan Meek]

Almost sounded like Jack Bauer

[nashvillebill]

Reading a little too much Richard Brautigan?

[carinab]

Is his name Chuck Norris?

Abso-freaking-lutely Hilarious!

[dcarter]

They let him in because he obviously has some really good drugs!

[ChrisStock]

I swear... I have a co-worker that sends out emails like that weekly.

Example 1: In a past life I was a Mongolian warlord, second in command to Genghis Khan himself. I ruled over a space of land two times the size of Africa and did so with an iron fist. No man dared oppose my will as doing so was punishable with toilet cleaning duty, a full week’s worth. There was only one revolt in my entire 300-year rule (the years were shorter back then, in today’s time that works out to 6 months, which is a long time really), which I bravely put down single-handedly by showing those grade school kids who was boss. I yelled at them to get off my lawn and laughed as they ran away crying. I ended up having to apologize to their parents afterwards, but I did so really sarcastically and didn’t mean it. I sure showed them.

-K

Example 2: Gents,

Just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page for SSO real fast. I’ve been installing it on multiple people today with predominantly positive results. There have been a few one off errors but no major hiccups to speak of. Feedback from the users has also been positive. Most are very pleased with the interface and the time it is saving them during the logon process. The journey has been long and arduous but there is light and the end of the tunnel. Actually, this situation kind of reminds me one of one I was in a few years ago…

At the time I was working for the Scottish Clandestine Atomic, Radiological, and Energy Department of Environmental and Ethnic Concerns with Astronomical Transportation or SCAREDEECAT. SCAREDEECAT is one of the most powerful and secret covert ops organizations in all of Scotland. Their base of operations is in Minburn, Iowa. That’s how secret this organization is, they operate in IOWA for crying out loud. Anyway, we had been trying to track down this Russian mobster who was selling counterfeit ice cream wrappers on the black market, a crime punishable by 30 days in a county correctional institution, and a $45 fine, so a pretty serious crime. The trail had gone cold in Eugene, Oregon after we raided his mistresses’ house only to find that he had left just a few minutes earlier. THE CHEERIOS IN HIS BOWL WERE STILL CRUNCHY! That’s how closely we had come. After waving a candy bar in front of his mistresses’ face for a few minutes she eventually cracked under the pressure and gave up her lover’s bank account number. We seized his funds (all $328.64 that were there), but he had gotten away. For months we tried to pick up a new lead in a number of ways. My preferred method was to rough up grade-school kids who I found had eaten ice cream with the counterfeit wrapper. Nothing is more terrifying to a grade-school kid than a man who stands 5 feet, 6 inches tall who wears glasses and says “Not on my watch” a lot. Needless to say we got a lot of information out of them; who they liked, what their favorite color was, what they thought water tasted like, but it wasn’t until Octoberfest that we got our big break. Apparently the wrapper counterfeiter had bought a large consignment of titanium to produce a new batch of wrappers, and would be taking possession of it in Hong Kong that very week. My team jumped into action, flew to Hong Kong, and set up the sting. We blackmailed the man selling the titanium with some unpaid parking tickets that his teenage son had racked up, and then brought the counterfeiter to justice. It was a good day to see him behind bars for 4 hours before he was released on a $200 bail and told to show up at court the 6 months later.

Anyway, I like to tell this story whenever I hear about people facing adversity. I hope it inspires you to press on and go for the golden ring or whatever.

-K

[dajarrel]

Just Imagine.....They walk among us

dj

[D.Hayden]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hugh_Gallagher_(humorist)

[ChrisStock]

Nice find, Berkim.... the humor is that this guy elaborates and expands all of this fun stuff, and yes, I have replied with my own impossible feats and challenges. Very difficult for me to create, but it sure is fun to read when it's complete.

[-JQ-]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hugh_Gallagher_(humorist)

+1

...I also neuter dinosaurs...fwiw

[-JQ-]

back up - just because

[Graham Smith]

I've often thought of getting a sign for my office door.

Graham Smith

A Legend in His Own Mind

[kevin c]

So now we know where the Dos Equis dude went to college...

[SiG Lady]

I worked on the air for ten days straight last year... all in one day.

I refurbished 110 computers yesterday... and that was before breakfast.

I processed 200 bankruptcy cases today... during my morning coffee break.

_{(the Dos Equis adverts did come to mind........)}

[CSEMARTIN]

ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

This is a question answered by high school students, right?

I love his response. My take on it all is that he is mocking them, and they let him in NYU for it. That's the brilliant part!!

[SA Friday]

It shows imagination, humor, and writing skills well above a high school level. I don't think it matters that the claims are false, this person is obviously intelligent and talented. They sold themselves to the college in probably one of the most memorable applications they had seen in years. Can you imagine the grind of going through all the applications? This person was remembered by everyone who read it.

I think it's brilliant.

[dajarrel]

I think it's brilliant.

Me too

Of course that is assuming that it was actually true. But wait.... it has to be true. It's on the internet

dj

[RufDog]

I love that stuff. I have a friend that is especially good at writing/telling such stories. He really likes to take advantage of foreigners and tell them outlandish things about his life in the US. It is an absolute riot!

[Bryan 45]

Unfortunately, I am much too concerned about factual information to ever come up with something like that. But, I like his style.

[Rennie]

An actual repair order diagnosis turned in at a dealership I worked at, under warranty no less.