Nemo Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #_______ _________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: Number of years they have been married: ____ If less than your age, explain: ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No C. A waterbed? __Yes __No D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No E. A tattoo? __Yes __No F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No Pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.) ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE'</ B> mean to you? REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend ___________________________________________________ How often you attend ________________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your: Father? _____________ Mother? _____________ Pastor? _____________ SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: C: A woman's place is in the: D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. _________________________________________________________ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!) ___ ____________________________ ________________________________ Mother's Signature Father's Signature _______________________________ ________________________________ Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back) In the meantime, to prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating Daddy's Rules for Dating Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy): Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.' Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dajarrel Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Excellent dj Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
North Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No Whats wrong with a truck with oversize tires? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GentlemanJim Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Im not too sure about this Nemo Seems a little Too lax to me LMAO...Jim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightloop Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 When your daughter goes out for the first time, that form is not complete enough to offer comfort for the dad...and I usually did have several of my guns on the table cleaning them when he came in to pick her up....worked pretty well too.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kimberkid Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 funny, even after having seen it before, though I will admit to having dated girls with fathers like this, and they always seemed to be the ones who went looking for action. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A_Med Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 This application would be worthless back on the Island. Back in the day if you wanted to see my sisters you sat in the living room with Abuela watching. You never left the house with them until the vows had been spoken. HaHa. Angel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonT Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 It gives me great piece of mind knowing my daughter can out shoot almost any guy she would go out with Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kuh pahl Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 I need to keep this form for when my daughters grow up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
38superman Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 (edited) This is very closely related to what my daughter still refers to as the "Daddy Talk". When she became engaged, I felt the need to have an understanding with my future son-in-law. It went something like this: "I only have one child and she is very precious to me" "Yes sir" "If you treat her with respect, you and I will be the best of friends" "Yes sir, I will" "Good, because if you should ever abuse her it will make me, ....... unhappy." "How unhappy?" "Have you ever seen the Texas Chain Saw massacre?" "Yes" "I will duct tape you to a tree and cut it down." "Thats pretty unhappy" "I'm not kidding" "No, I didn't think so" Tls Edited February 29, 2008 by 38superman Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
outerlimits Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 still like the line: "i have a .45 and a shovel...i doubt anyone will miss you". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirtypool40 Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 (edited) Clueless, good flick. And now for something completely different... About a dozen years ago, a buddy of mine found out his wife was having a daughter, and a bunch of guys in the poolroom starting teasing, and he said, "nope, I ain't worried about all that, I just won't potty train her". As for me, any pre-date interview will be conducted in the reloading room, with the rig on, and both trophies and stackes of shot up targets. There may be an unexpected "AD" just as an attention getter as the applicant arrives. Edited February 29, 2008 by dirtypool40 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamar Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 I told my daughter she could not date until she was married.......... She also shoots very well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightloop Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 In the days before my son in law, Robert and my daughter were married, she brought him over for Thanksgiving one year...after dinner I was sitting on the porch smoking a cigar and Rob came out and sat down next to me... He started out by telling me how much he loved Amy and that he wanted to marry her...I told him that he should ask her, not me...and he laughed...said he would get to that later. Then I told him that I liked him well enough but even if Amy accepted his proposal, there were some things he needed to know about me...First I told him that she was my only daughter and since blood was thicker than water, no matter the cause, I would probably always take her side in any argument...and secondly told him that if he ever hurt her or touched her in any but a loving manner, I would track him down and kill him.... We have a pretty good relationship now, but he needed to understand a father's stance on things...all things considered, he took it pretty well and they have been married going on 4 yrs now... It is just a father's job... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wide45 Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 When your daughter goes out for the first time, that form is not complete enough to offer comfort for the dad...and I usually did have several of my guns on the table cleaning them when he came in to pick her up....worked pretty well too.. As a former teenager, I can tell you that this method is not completely reliable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
outerlimits Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 i have a 17 year old daughter...and it does work...along with the obligatory tour of the garage wall of trophies, the gun safe, usmc medals and a quiet stare. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisStock Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Excellent post, just a few years too late to do me any good... she didn't get knocked up in HS, and is proudly serving our country at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigsaxdog Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 so i guess this means 52 yr. old saxophone players are out of the question...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-Ho Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 My daughter is only 7. My hair gets grayer every time I even think about her becoming a teenager. As for these rules, They are a good start. I might have to expand the scope of the questionare. I'm thinking there needs to be a release form for the implatation of a tracking/heart rate monotoring device. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nemo Posted February 29, 2008 Author Share Posted February 29, 2008 so i guess this means 52 yr. old saxophone players are out of the question...... Especially 52 yr. old saxophone players... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaxshooter Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Nemo Mind if I call your daughter for a date? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JThompson Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 When your daughter goes out for the first time, that form is not complete enough to offer comfort for the dad...and I usually did have several of my guns on the table cleaning them when he came in to pick her up....worked pretty well too.. I remember a dad pulling that on me one time when I was a young man. I think the date was delayed by an hour while me and the oleman cleaned the guns. I remember her saying you smell like oil. lol I still like the guy and we talk now and then... that was one of those where you end up liking the dad more than the daughter. We used to hunt together for years after I quit seeing his daughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boz1911 Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 Nemo, that's outstanding. I will say as she gets older (mine's close to 20), you do seem to ease up a little. That being said, if and when marriage comes up, an AD whilst cleaning my open gun might be a good thing during a conversation with the prospective suitor. I could blame it on my "itchy" trigger finger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
9x21 Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 still like the line:"i have a .45 and a shovel...i doubt anyone will miss you". +1 Well stated. I think a razor blade, gallon of gas , a book of matches & my imagination need to be included in the text under possible penalities for violations............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuz Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 Excellent post, just a few years too late to do me any good... she didn't get knocked up in HS, and is proudly serving our country at the moment. Well it certainly sounds like whatever you did worked just fine. I'm sure you're very proud of her. As for me, I've got two little boys and I can only hope that I raise them well enough that none of the above will be necessary. -Cuz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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