MRE Date

[kimel]

From a retired Air Force friend....

_______________________________

For those who endured Meals, Ready-To-Eat (MREs), and for anyone who ever heard of them and wondered what they are like, this should provide insight...

MILITARY DATE

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to, "Cook her something she never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she DEFINITELY never ate.

I got out my trusty case of MREs. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations, when eaten in their entirety, contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautied in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush looking suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat with MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta), and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?).

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--military pudding!

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that stuff is freaking EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $100), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter. She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked

at the makeshift "wine" I set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay...yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself, "uh oh," and a resounding, but petite, noise punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes, she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say, "What the heck is WRONG with me???," as she, again, send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and, again, LOTS more air freshener. Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said, "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed. Later on, she asked me again what I made for dinner, because she enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her she ate roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food," she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't go to the bathroom for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she was working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said it was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She was so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I was in tears on the couch.

I know, I'm a jerk, but it was still a funny night.

[Merlin Orr]

" On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to, "Cook her something she never had before" for dinner"

Ask and you shall receive.....

[Duane Thomas]

I know everyone bitches about the MREs, but when I was in the Army, I actually liked them. Some better than others, naturally. The dehydrated beef patty was not fit for human consumption. OTOH, I thought the chicken a la king was pretty tasty stuff.

What was really nasty was the old C-rations. How could human beings eat that stuff? On one field op, my unit had some cases of C-rations that had been found in a warehouse somewhere - this was in the early 90s if memory serves correctly - and decided to use them up. It was pretty bad. And it wasn't the age of the food; it was amazingly fresh after all that time. It just tasted horrible. ("Eat C-rations: fresh but horrible.") Until you've had a C-ration, you can't really appreciate how good you've got it with MREs. The only truly great thing about C-rats, that I thought was much better than the MREs, was the little can of real fruit versus the MRE's dehydrated-just-add-water fruit.

- Duane Thomas, MRE Connoisseur

[Mark Perez]

Chez Ranger by Frank Rodgers

read through some of the other stories he and others have contributed at

http://www.soupsandwich.net

I really like the one titled :

'Don't Mess with A Ranger Wife"

[tightloop]

When I was in the Army, I ate C rations and K rations that were older than me...

[carinab]

I think I'd label the retired Air Force friend a retro-sexual....

[EricW]

Actually, I heard the MRE's are pretty tasty stuff.

If I was in WWII and had to eat C-rats, Spam, and Vienna Sausages for years on end, I'm pretty sure surrendering would have been a viable option.

[Intel6]

Having spent just short of 10 years in the Army I have eaten my fair share of MRE's. I am with Duane on this one, I liked eating them and thought they were pretty good overall. Duane, I liked the dried pork and beef patties, kind of like jerkey. The best thing about likeing some of the stuff that most people hated was that you never had to trade anything for it. They would eventually give it to you.

Now T rats were another story. Most of it was OK seeing it came out of a big metal tin. The coffee cake was great when you are standing in a cold 577 in Hohenfels at 0300 after being up for 24 hours. A fresh pot of coffee and that really hit the spot. Now, that toxic pudding was another story.

Neal in AZ

[uscbigdawg]

Dude,

MRE's rule!!! They have candy in them (Skittles, M&M's, including Peanut, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) and the Pound Cake gets you out of fire guard for like a week! Too there's all kinds of recipes that my Ranger Batallion Commander taught us: Key Lime Pie, Cookies 'n' Cream, etc.

Don't get me wrong, as there are some crappy meals. However, for the most part they are great! Stay away from anything that has the word, "patty" in it and you're safe. The vegetarian meals are probably overall the best as the main meals are tasty and you get peanut butter (major bargaining tool).

Main bargaining foods:

POUND CAKE (all hail to the Vanilla PC & Chocolate/Fudge)

Cookies (specifically the molasses & creamsicle, but all do well)

Wafer cookies (I will give up pound cake for this source of crack!)

Candy (Skittles, Peanut M&M's, Crispy M&M's, et. al.)

Peanut Butter ('cause the "cheese" spread is okay, but who believes it's cheese)

Wheat Snack Bread (I don't have an f'ing clue why)

Crackers in lieu of snack bread (Amen)

Capuccino/Shake/Cocoa Powder (new Army and Cocoa Powder = Ranger pudding)

So, if y'all have kids going are going yourself, go for the Jambylaya (spelling) meal as it has candy and Pound Cake (WOOHOO!!!)

Hasta,

SPC Richard A. White

C-Co, 232nd Med Bn

3rd PLT (Wolverines!)

Fort Sam Houston, TX

[Duane Thomas]

Duane, I liked the dried pork and beef patties, kind of like jerkey.

Shudder.

[Patrick Sweeney]

My little brother went Regular Army enlisted, then went to college, ROTC and got commissioned. He said that every unit he was in looked forward to going into the field. They'd get MRE's, and they could trade, jazz them up with various spices, barbeque sauces and whatnot. He gained weight on field ops. Of course, he was Artillery, so they could pack a carton of various spices and condiments and not notice the weight.

[Liota]

Duane, I liked the dried pork and beef patties, kind of like jerkey.

Shudder.

I have to agree with Duane on this one. Pork Puck isn't for me. Never had the beef puck. Several have tried to destroy the pork puck. It was invulnerable.

Liota

[uscbigdawg]

Pork Puck isn't for me. Never had the beef puck. Several have tried to destroy the pork puck. It was invulnerable.

Ditto. The "meat" pattys are questionable in their status of actually containing meat.

Of course, he was Artillery....

Fort Sill...HOOAH!!! King of Battle!!!

SPC Richard A. White (formerly A-BTRY 1/79th Field Artillery)

C-Co, 232nd Med Bn

3rd PLT (Wolverines!)

Fort Sam Houston, TX

[toowide]

For all of you that have served and delighted in an MRE or for those of you that have just eaten an MRE...enjoy...I am sure you can appreciate this.

THE MRE DATE

MRE dinner date, The following is supposedly a true story....told from the point of view of a U.S. Marine...

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat, field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in halved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I ,then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingies from one of my spice cans(hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingies on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes- 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess...could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter. She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups.

She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!" We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift" wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner. At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???," as she again sent flatulent shock waves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener. Back to the couch.

She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray paler to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know, I'm an a_-hole, but it was still a funny night.

[J-Ho]

U.S. Marine Joke, 1 each, Funny.

[PHolsted]

OK my side is hurting from laughing so hard......So so so true!

[gm iprod]

If she was in the toilet that much there was no way those calories stayed in her.

So she is safe from any weight gain.

Quick market that stuff as the next best thing for weight loss, you might make a fortune, but in the meantime take out shares in your local paper maker.

[Hank Ellis]

Been cycling out my MREs over the last year. They were 10 years old and figured that since I had a couple new cases from Katrina I may as well eat them up. Saturdays dinner will be ....

Meal, Ready-To-Eat, Individual

Menu No. 4

Omelet with Ham

Funny story but I don't buy the baking at 450 for 30 minutes. The whole point of MREs is that they are ready-to-eat. If you have to just open the bag and scarf down. But if you just stick the unopened main course bag in boiling water for 5 minutes it comes out fine. Tried microwaving them in and out of the bag just to heat them up. No joy. The resulting goo when hardened could be used as driveway patching material. And it kills whatever taste was left. Actually the only thing that has gone 'bad' are the crackers. They are a bit stale. But smother it in enough peanut butter and its not that noticeable. Actually I've eaten worse. Back in my biker days I'd hose clamp a can of Beanee-Wheenies to the exhaust pipe and they would be good and warm for a snack at the next gas stop. Just be sure to knock the bugs off the can prior to opening.

Somewhere there is a nutritionist having a nervous breakdown.

[dajarrel]

Funny stuff, especially the part about not being able to dump for a week.

dj

[Rocket35]

Omelet with Ham is the best cold!! I miss 'em...

[carinab]

I have a ranger friend I met through a gun training school. His definition of good food is that it makes solid waste. Apparently his digestive track didn't agree well with MRE's either.

Edited October 6, 2007 by carinab

[cottyw]

I’ve got tears running down my cheeks!

[Kingman]

that is awesome.

[ima45dv8]

OMG! that was funny!

[wide45]

So the date was a dud?