When Insults Had Class

[Ed K]

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill... followed by Churchill's response:

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee! " Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"

[Kingman]

Wow, I really like some of them. Get the point across yet still so uppity.

[SiG Lady]

What Mae West said.

[boz1911]

Wish God had given me that kind of wit........Great stuff!

[SiG Lady]

People USED to be literate. That fine quality has become elusive if not near-extinct.

God gave that skill to every one of us. It's just been gradually educated OUT of us.

[Micah]

An excellent post to be sure!

[HSMITH]

One of my favorites is "I am not nearly as impressed with you as you are".

[AlamoShooter]

I practice being witty ...when I'm alone

[wide45]

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being witty, and that is not being witty."

[frenchwrench]

Or half witty....

[cking]

Virtual all of these are from a time before politically correct was invented. Most before TV commercials.

In the 40's and 50's they used to say newspapers were written at the 6th grade reading level.

I wonder how low it is now?

[ashman627]

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill... followed by Churchill's response:

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee! " Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"

Well Done Ed!!!!

[LadyinBlue]

Speaking of witty...

You'll never learn anything being the smartest person in the room.

"For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble." --- Kurt Hanks

"It is often better to keep one's mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt."

--- Mark Twain

"Nothing is infinite, except the universe and stupid people, and sometimes, I doubt the universe."

--- Albert Einstein

"One fourth of the people of the world are against everything 100% of the time." --- Robert Kennedy

"Risk takers often fail. So do morons. In practice, it's difficult to sort them out." --- S. Adams

Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason so few people engage in it."

--- Henry Ford

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

--- Albert Einstein

99% of the people who cause accidents are idiots, and 99% of the idiots are caused by accidents.

A small mind and a big mouth are usually found in the same place.

A wise man knows his ignorance. A fool thinks he knows everything.

A wise man once said, "I don't know. Go ask a woman."

A wise man understands that he should always have more sense than dollars.

Ah, brain cramp...nothing's coming! Maybe tomorrow.

An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot!

Anyone can grab a tiger by the tail. The difference between a fool and a genius is knowing what to do next!

As much as you might want to, sometimes it's better not to make fun of the stupid!

At the fountain of knowledge most are content with just a sip.

Better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out!

Dung is no saint, but where it falls it works miracles.

Even a foolish man seems wise when he is silent.

Every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.

Everybody's crazy. It's all just a matter of degree!

Everyone adds happiness to this place...some when they enter, others when they leave.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.

Everyone has the right to make mistakes, but don't you think you've taken someone else's turn?

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.

Go sell crazy somewhere else, because we're all filled up here.

He had too many issues, so I cancelled his subscription.

I blame it all on my roots.

I can only please one person per day. Today is NOT your day, and tomorrow is not looking good EITHER!

I could insult your intelligence, but then you probably wouldn't understand the insult.

I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do.

I don't need a miracle, but I could use a push in the right direction.

I don't suffer from insanity. I'm loving every minute of it.

I have to remember to put the corks in my ears at night or my brain will leak out.

I keep pulling myself up by my bootstraps, but they keep breaking.

I learn by my mistakes. Trouble is that it will take more than one lifetime to learn all that.

I learn more and more about less and less until eventually I know everything about nothing.

I live in a state of perpetual confusion.

I once had a handle on life, but it broke.

I refuse to have a battle of the wits with an unarmed person.

I tried sanity once, but it was an excruciating bore.

I'd love to have a battle of wits with you, but I never fight an unarmed person!

If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport.

If it is called common sense, why doesn't everybody have it?

If life's a bowl of cherries, why do I always get the pits?

If stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?

If you can't be a good example, be a horrible warning!

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull!

If you think education is expensive, look at the price of ignorance!

If you want to give God a good laugh, tell Him your Plan for Life.

If you were as dumb as dirt, then you would cover an acre!

If you're not playing with a full deck, then don't shuffle in public.

Ignorance is like dirt…it got all over everyone when we were created. Thank God some of us learned how to bathe!

Ignorance on your behalf does not constitute an emergency on my behalf.

Insanity takes its toll. Please have correct change!

Intelligence has its limits. Stupidity hasn't found its bounds yet.

Intelligence is what you do when you don't know what to do.

It may be your sole purpose in life is to simply serve as a warning to others.

It should be a law that all stupid people stay home when I go out.

It’s unfortunate ignorance isn't painful.

It's not wise to argue with a 900 pound Gorilla about the ownership of bananas.

Just when you feel down about yourself, turn on Jerry Springer!

Just when you think you have everything foolproof, you find a really talented fool.

Kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.

KISS...Keep It Simple Stupid!

Learn from the mistakes of others. You will not live long enough to make them all yourself.

Life is tough, but it's tougher if you're stupid.

Make something idiot proof, and they will build a better idiot.

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Never debate a fool for the audience won't know who he is.

Never engage in a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed!

Never lose your friends over something stupid.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Never underestimate the power of ignorance in large groups.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people...period.

No brains. No headache.

No ma'am. Stupidity isn’t against the law, but we discourage it anyway.

No. I'm not crazy, but I am a carrier!

Not every one can learn from other peoples' mistakes. Some of us have to be the other people.

Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we?

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most!

One must be careful not to spread ignorance. It's deadly.

Otis has some trouble in his brain.

People are basically stupid. Give them a chance, and they'll prove it every time.

Sometimes, I feel like two-thirds Rice Crispies…past Snap and Crackle, but just shy of Pop!

Stupid hurts!

Stupid people should assist the process of natural selection or "survival of the fittest" volunteering for mandatory surgical sterilization.

Stupid people shouldn't breed.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The problem with the gene pool is that there are no lifeguards!

The purest form of insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results.

The surest sign of ignorance is those who act like they know everything.

The world's a stage, but some people are better actors with brighter costumes!

There are 3 kinds of people…those that can count, and those that cannot.

To be old and wise you must first be young and dumb.

Treat everyone like they're worth a million, even if they don't have any cents.

True genius always borders on insanity.

We are all dysfunctional. Get over it!

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of SMART?

When I thought I finally had a handle on life, it fell off.

You can't fix stupid.

You laugh because I am different. I laugh because you are the same.

[outerlimits]

still enjoy "yogi-isms"...

# "This is like deja vu all over again."

# "You can observe a lot just by watching."

# "He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.

# "I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.

# "I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.

# "Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"

# "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."

# "I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."

# "If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

# "If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

# "You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."

# "Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."

# "It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."

# "Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."

# "A nickel isn't worth a dime today."

# "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

# "It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

# "Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.

# Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

# "Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.

# "I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."

# "If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

# "You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

# "90% of the putts that are short don't go in."

# "I made a wrong mistake."

# "Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

# "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.

# "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

# "Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."

# "If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."

# "Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."

# "It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."

# "How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."

# "I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.

# "The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."

# "He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.

# "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

# "It ain't the heat; it's the humility."

# "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

# "You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."

# "I didn't really say everything I said."

[SiG Lady]

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

That's quirky, like Zen....... I like it.

[tightloop]

I am not one for calling names, but when you get home, I hope you mother runs out from under the porch and bites you...

[kevin c]

Another great Winston Churchill retort:

Lady to Churchill, at a dinner party: "You, sir, are drunk!"

Churchill to the Lady: "And you, madame, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."

[gm iprod]

Another from Winston,

He was at the urinal in the mens toilet in Parliament when a member of the oposition party entered, Winston turned away.

"Winston, are you shy"

"No sir not at all, but when ever you lot see anything large and successful, you nationalise it, and it all goes down hill from there"

I have a few of Winston's books and he writes well and his speeches would never pass muster these days. Shame really.

Most Politicians these days aren't worth the little bits stuck to a sheeps rear end.

[LadyinBlue]

Most Politicians these days aren't worth the little bits stuck to a sheeps rear end.

True to a certain point....Tony Blair may be an exception.

"You only require two things in life: your sanity and your wife."

Tony Blair

Those of you who have neither may not understand this.

[Miranda]

Nanci?

you have a wife?

miranda

[LadyinBlue]

Nanci?

you have a wife?

miranda

Pretty funny...no I don't but I are one.

Not sure, but having the wife might be the cause of losing your sanity. Only kidding!

[wgnoyes]

And then there's one from Jurassic Park 2 that ended up on the cutting room floor:

Big Game Hunter (speaking to obnoxious restaurant patron): You, sir, are no gentleman!

Obnoxious Patron: Is that the best insult you can come up with?

Hunter: I can think of none worse.

[Scout454]

"If you had two brain cells they'd have a fight and kill each other."

[SiG Lady]

BWAHAHAHAHA.....!!!!

[Bubber]

The two I've heard...."If brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose." and "If alcohol attacks brain cells they're some alcohol in your head with absolutely nothing to do..."

edited kaws I cain't speeelllll.

Edited September 25, 2007 by Bubber