Paraprosdokians

[Round_Gun_Shooter]

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are

urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size

bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old

ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in

a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are

probably dead.

[SiG Lady]

"Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old

ladies running around with tattoos?"

...and weird metal things sticking thru our skin--just like ancient times.

Just think, when archeologists (or the aliens--whichever) dig us up many moons from now, the stuff they'll find will be amusing as well as interesting... especially the joint implants, pacemakers and artificial hearts and stuff. Maybe they'll even think the metal tongue piercings were actually some kind of corporal punishment or penance or something...

Yeh, let's hear it for the little old ladies with all the tattoos! Geezerhood will never be the same.

[GmanCdp]

Sensible Observations

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died

peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the

passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown

2) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?

There's a support group for that.

It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

3) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's

not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into

doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,

drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball

and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the

infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

5) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and

we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend

wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.

There should be severance pay, the day before they leave

you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

6) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took

her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,

'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

7) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have

better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the

authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

8) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm

halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....

I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery

9) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of

people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime

and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.

Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

10) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the

impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson

11) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

12) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,

but they turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld

13) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in

case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line

from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?

What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

14) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.

Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde

15) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a

member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

16) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.

At least they can find Afghanistan ."

--A. Whitney Brown

17) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,

and the dog will give you a look that says,

'My God, you're right!

I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry

18) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?

Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

-- Unknown, presumed deceased

19) "Everybody's got to believe in something.

I believe I'll have another beer."

- W. C. Fields

And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English?

[Kingman]

very very true observations.

[Chris Keen]

#11 on your list is the best! Very true (at least for me) ... as I hated Geography. I'm like "I'll never use any of this information ...... oooh a war!"

Here's my list :

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the

cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the

hell happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear

bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of

jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow

[WickedBag]

I will miss Richard Jeni...very funny guy for anyone who caught his premium channel comedy act this past year.

[GrumpyOne]

-Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

-It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

-We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

-My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

-Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

-When in doubt, mumble.

-Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

-A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

-Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

-My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

-I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

-There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

-I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

-You're never too old to learn something stupid.

-You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

-A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

-Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.

-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

-Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

-If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

-Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

[Toolguy]

A small mind is always attached to a big mouth.

[GentlemanJim]

Thanks Grumpy

I needed a little smile

Jim

[Youngeyes]

PARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently humorous:

Enjoy.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

24. I am neither for nor against apathy.

25 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

26 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

27 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

28 Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

29 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

30 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

31 Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

32 A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

33 When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

34 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

[kevin c]

Shades of Stephen Wright...

[MustangGreg66]

Nice, I like these and have seen a few before but never knew that they had a name. Thanks

Edited July 17, 2012 by MustangGreg66

[JimmyZip]

26!!!! :roflol: 26!!!!

[Team Amish 1]

Semper ubi sub ubi!

[gm iprod]

Where there's a will, there's a relative.