Children and death, when do you start being honest with them?

[Canuck223]

Our boys are 7 years old, and we had to decide what to tell them about thier great grandfather. Bompa has been a part of thier life, and he'll be thier first relative to pass away.

Our boys are pretty bright, and we've always felt it was better to deal with them simply and honestly than shield them from the world. As best we could, and in terms they could understand, we've been pretty up front about life.

Still, it was hard to explain to them that Bompa is sick, and he's not going to get any better. He's now on the paliative care unit at the local hospital, and the kids, grand kids, and great grand kids are all trickling in to see him.

I know it's scary, but I didn't feel that hiding the truth would make it any easier for them to absorb later.

Dissenting opinions anyone????

[Caspian_45]

For me I'd tell the kids, then let them spend all the time they want/you can afford with Bompa. I'm sure he would want to spend time with them. The kids are going to have to find out about death sometime.

Depending on your person religious practices. Talk to your pastor, they can help through these tough times too. Remember they deal with this all the time.

[Guy Neill]

My opinion, and one we used with my children, is to always be honest. Making a child comprehend death is not easy.

I do not remember the specific talks I had with my boys, but part of my explanation is that death is a part of life. It's not a part we like, but it's an eventual occurrence for all of us.

At 7, it's not likely they will need a lengthy or detailed explanation.

My wife was adamant about not relating death to sleep, and I feel that makes sense as it could cause some degree of fear about going to sleep each night.

Kids are great - and they absorb tremendous amounts of information, but give it to them honestly, but in increments as they inquire about things.

Guy

[Graham Smith]

As a person who lost relatives early in life, I can tell you that it's much better if that discussion is held before rather than after. And with all the death and dying kids are exposed to these days, it's likely they will need an explanation sooner than you think.

A good source of information is your local hospice - they have lots of experience with this.

[smokshwn]

As part of my job I observe how people handle loss more regularly than I would like to think. In general I would say that kids already know the truth about death and loss on many levels. IMHO what helps them most is adults who are willing to recognize this and not patronize them by trying any of a hundred avoidance maneuvers in an effort to "help" them deal with it. Artificially limiting a childs experiences in an effort to ease our discomfort inevitably creates more problems.

[edwin garcia]

Excerpt from a Child Psychologist's abstract:

Adults must understand the development of the child's concept of death to comprehend children's questions about death and answer them appropriately. Children under 5 years of age view death as reversible and not final and may believe that the dead can breathe, feel, talk and continue to grow. While young children may believe in the reversibility of death, separation by death is a painful experience for them. At the age of 5, children become very curious about death and may believe that they and other children do not die. By 7 or 8 years of age, children begin to develop a realistic concept of death and to come to terms with their own mortality. At the concrete level of thinking, death may be personified. Children who have lost a parent through death may exhibit symptoms of bereavement which may be more intense if the child has been lied to and/or has not been permitted to mourn sufficiently. However, even under the best of conditions, bereaved children may commit anti-social acts, be depressed or become extremely good. Bereaved children should be helped to regain feelings of security through love and acceptance and may need the assistance of a substitute comforter.

- Shelley Philips

But again, I believe the parents are more knowledgeable than child psychologist with respect to their own child. They're knowledge are guides that we may use to arrive at wise decisions.

It is always a tough choice. My sympathies and best of luck.

[AlamoShooter]

I am not a psychologist ether, But what I am hearing , or not hearing is -How are you dealing with it?

How much pretending are you having to do to get through it. Look inside, maybe your son can help you.

I am very sorry for your loss,

[kimel]

My parents kept death from us for a long, long time. I was into my late teens before I went to my first funeral. I had pets die but it wasn't explained. One set of grandparents passed on and we were kept away from the process.

I didn't fully comprehend death and the grief process until a very close friend committed suicide about 11 years ago. That's a bit late to get started on that particular learning process, IMHO.

You are doing absolutely the right thing. I'll second a call to Hospice. Those folks are incredible.

[SiG Lady]

I think we all interpret Death differently. That being said, I was exposed to Death early on--neither of my parents had brothers or sisters but THEIR parents each had many brothers and sisters... who were, of course, much older than many of us so all died in sequence early in my life and in quantity. I got used to Italian funerals (casual affairs by some standards) very early. I just plain took it in stride. For some reason I instinctively understood the finality of it and don't recall ever asking my parents about it or being lectured about it. It just happened. All the time. I learned early.

[Nik Habicht]

I'll throw this into the mix too --- expect them to worry about who will die next. You may need to provide reassurance/talk about the likelihood of death for people in their circle. You probably don't want them terrified every time you leave the house.....

[High Lord Gomer]

My late wife was in and out of the hospital a lot for her last 3 months. The kids were 6, 14, and 20 at the time. I didn't take the youngest to see her in the hospital as much as I did the older ones. I tried to make his last memories of her when she was as good as she could be at the time. Ever since, when talking about her to them, I try to do it about a good memory, not about being sad that she is gone.

[jimd]

Our boys are 7 years old, and we had to decide what to tell them about thier great grandfather. Bompa has been a part of thier life, and he'll be thier first relative to pass away.

Our boys are pretty bright, and we've always felt it was better to deal with them simply and honestly than shield them from the world. As best we could, and in terms they could understand, we've been pretty up front about life.

Still, it was hard to explain to them that Bompa is sick, and he's not going to get any better. He's now on the paliative care unit at the local hospital, and the kids, grand kids, and great grand kids are all trickling in to see him.

I know it's scary, but I didn't feel that hiding the truth would make it any easier for them to absorb later.

Dissenting opinions anyone????

My mother in law just died after a 5 month battle with lung cancer - my kids are 6, 8, and 10. We told them their grandmother was sick, and had them spend as much time as possible with her.

They seem to have adjusted better than my wife, so far. They were very sad, but I think letting them be a part of the process as it was going on helped.

[3quartertime]

I was six when my grandpa died. I remember parts of the funeral. Kinda sketchy, but I think I was involved with all of it. I remember him alive real well thou. I think kids can pick and choose the parts they want to remember...

[Rather-B-Huntin]

Kids are often better able to cope than we give them credit for. They are going to experience unpleasant circumstances througout their life. I think the younger they are exposed the better they can deal with it as it continues to occur.

[SA Friday]

My youngest kid, a son, is 6 right now. He is very aware of death, the fact there is no coming back from it, and has shown curiosity about it.

At 7, I think you are best to be honest about it and explain it thoroughly.

[warpspeed]

We lost my father in law last summer. He was a very integral part of our family as my in-laws lived close by.

My youngest, 8 at the time, handled it better than anyone. She understood that she would never see her Poppie again but it did not seem to worry her.

Keep it simple.

[Canuck223]

Well Bompa went a bit faster than expected. He died yesterday without fuss or fanfare with his three surviving children in the room. My kids have taken it fairly well. Ben was the most visibly upset, and sadly he's the only one who wasn't able to visit him in the hospital. It's probably for the best, as Bompa passed away right when Ben would have been arriving if fate hadn't gotten in the way.

All in all, I think we made the right call. We've still got the funeral to get through, but I think they will make it without too much stress.

It is humbling though. Bompa was the last of his generation in our extended family. It sinks home the reality that the next funeral will most likely be one of our parents or aunts/uncles.