Solicitors

[EricW]

[On my way to the gym this afternoon, a bright young man showed up on my front walk. The Orkin man.]

Would you be interested in our pest control services?

No, thank you.

Take care of it yourself?

Yes.

What kind of bugs are you seeing?

Not many, besides the 18” long tarantulas that inhabit my crawl space.

Wow! What do you use to kill those?

I don’t use anything. I arranged a deal with government where they hover black helicopters over my house in the dead of night and flood my property with Radon and PCB’s.

And that kills the tarantulas?

No, but it mutated them into very attractive, but slightly aggresive Labrador Retrievers. Heel Zuzu! Heel!

Would you like to buy some candy?

No, thank you.

You don’t eat candy?

I do.

Why not buy some candy from me?

Because I’ve had Willy Wonka imprisoned in my basement for the last six years and I ought to be selling you candy. I even have candy that will teach you how to read the “No Soliciting” sign at the entrance of the gated community that you have no business being in.

[Eventually I’m able to go upstairs and commune with the shower. No sooner do I get dried off and dressed when the phone rings. Clearly this is a conspiracy.]

Hello sir, this is (a female operator) from the Gas Company. You recently called our customer service office and we’d like you to evaluate your experience.

(Sigh…) O.K.

How do you rate our customer service during your phone call?

She was very nice.

What do you mean by “nice.”

She was nice.

Can you specifically describe the qualities that constitute “nice.”

She was courteous, knowledgeable, and prompt.

Thank you.

How do you rate the quality of the product provided by your electrical utility?

Huh?

How do you rate the quality of the product provided by your electrical utility?

You’re kidding, right?

No. Can you tell me how you like their product?

It’s electricity. It’s a commodity.

But, how do you like it, sir?

Why I just love it. In fact, I feel their electrons are far better than those provided by my last electrical utility. We measured them with special testing apparatus and found that they are actually more electronegative than regular electrons.

Huh?

Just write “spunky electrons.”

O.K. Now, how do you rate the quality of the product provided by your gas company?

You’re shitting me.

No sir, I wouldn’t shit you.

Who are the brain dead morons that come up with these questions?

These questions are based on questions our customers ask most often.

Well, I absolutely LOVE the gas molecules that your company provides. They are far superior to the gas molecules provided by my last public utility. I’m especially impressed by how your company has been able to attach extra hydrocarbons to every molecule. I have actually decided to forsake all other combustible gas molecules in favor of yours.

That’s very flattering sir.

You’re quite welcome.

Has a gas company representative ever come to your home?

Yes.

How would you rate the quality of your representative?

He was nice.

Can you specifically describe the qualities that constitute “nice.” My supervisor wants to know what nice means.

Have your supervisor call me.

Sir?

Have your supervisor call me. I’ll be happy to explain what “nice” is, after which we’ll have a little chat about what the meaning of “is” is.

[Giggle] Alright sir. Now, if you could talk to directly to our President, what would be the one thing you tell him on how to improve our service.

I think he should go to ANWR, tap a hole, and run a gas pipeline directly from there to my house. And I want my gas to be free because I had such a splendid idea.

That’s wonderful! Usually everyone just tells me they want lower prices, but I have to ask them how. What’s ANWR, by the way?

Alaska National Wildlife Refuge. Happy to be of service.

Now, how do you think the gas company could better market our products and services?

This is a joke right?

No sir. No joke.

Some marketing schmuck making two hundred grand a year needs my input on how to do his job?

That right.

O.K. Television ads. Lots of ‘em.

We should advertise on television?

Yes, but there are some other requirements. First, you’ll need dancing molecules.

Dancing…..molecules….sir?

Yes, and lots of them. See if Paul Allen will loan you the Blazer girls and glue balloons to them. But, just make sure you don’t get dancing molecules around any dancing electrons. That makes for some dangerous business.

Yes sir.

And…one more thing. The advertisements must not contain any substantive information.

Sub-san-tive?

No. Sub-stan-tive. S-u-b-s-t-a-n-t-i-v-e

Er, alright sir, so no sub-san-tive information. I’m not sure what that means, sir.

Have your marketing exec give me a call. It’s a well-respected principle in the advertising industry. I’ll be happy to explain it to him.

O.K. Sir. Thank you so much. You’ve been so very helpful.

Any time, dear.

[Skywalker]

Erik,

looks like you already got your degree in engineering...

[jhgtyre]

Cruel. Intelligent. You may be my new hero!

-ld

[Nik Habicht]

Eric,

If you need a parttime job while going to school, how about screening the calls at my house? I usually just set the phone down and walk away.....

[John Heiter]

Reminds me of a call a friend of mine took one day. A bunch of us were over at his house for lunch when he got a phone call. He listened to the caller for a minute and then started tearing into the guy on the other end about how he was a happily married heterosexual man and why did he think he would even be interested in something like that? Went on for about fifteen minutes with no let up telling the caller that he thought he was a pervert for even suggesting such a thing and that he and his entire business were going to wind up in hell. We all stood around in shock trying to figure out who James could possibly be going off on like this. When he finally got off the phone he explained to us that it was a solicitor trying to convince people to come to Florida to check out their exclusive "Gated Community".

Next time you get one, try going with the "confused and crotchety old man with really bad hearing" gag, turn gas into grass or gated into gay, and see how long you can string the caller along before they hang up on you in frustration.

[rhino]

EricW . . . you should send that (perhaps with expletives deleted!) to your local paper for publication as a guest editorial.

[shred]

That's even better than the sign on the door of my old apartment. It said something like:

Non-Sales Pitches: $5/minute

Sales Pitches: $10/minute

Religious Conversion Attempts: $25/ea

Please pay in advance.

[Duane Thomas]

Years ago I was over at a friend's house. It was winter and we were about to go outside. As he pulled his jacket off the peg on the clothes rack bolted next to the door, I saw, hanging off the peg, previously concealed by his jacket, a large, fire extinguisher sized can of pepper spray - you know, the one that actually has a handle on top.

"Randy, why do you have a huge can of pepper spray right next to the door?"

"Jehovah's Witnesses."

[SiG Lady]

Obviously Eric-the-man's calling is superb stand-up comedy. Great post!

When people call me with dumb intent and they ask me how I'm doing, I just say,"... terrible. I just got out of the hospital and I'm really tired. What do you want??!!" I tell you, they DON'T know how to react to that... and they usually apologize and hang up immediately. Try it. It's wimpy but it works.

[Nolan]

Eric's post reminds me of one telemarketing phone call I received. Stop me if I've told this one before.

Way back when MCI had the "Friends & Family" plan one of their telemarketers called me. I hadn't planned any of this ahead of time it just sort of happened.

MCI: "Hello, I'm calling for MCI Friends and Family plan. Who is your long distance service provider?"

Me: "California Rifle and Pistol Association"

MCI: "Excuse me? Who is that?"

Me: "The California Rifle and Pistol Association has a long distance phone plan for their members through Wilcox Communications (remember Larry Wilcox from Chips?)"

MCI: "Oh I see. When was the last time you spoke to your mother?"

Me: "Excuse me?"

MCI: "If you had spoken to your mother recently you would know she has joined MCI Friends & Family and if you joined as well you both would receive extra phone savings?"

Me: "I spoke to my mother yesterday and no, she didn't tell me that she had signed up for MCI."

MCI: "She didn't tell you about Friends and Family?"

Me: "No, she didn't. We have more important things to talk about than what phone company to use."

MCI: "Oh? Like what?"

Me: "Well, my murder trial starts next week."

MCI: Looonnnnnggggg pause, "Oh…….., well thank you for your time." Click

Sheesh, just because I'm a member of the California Rifle and Pistol Association all of a sudden I'm the defendant. I could have been the lawyer, the judge, the bailiff, the court reporter, but nooo I'm the defendant in his mind. Good thing they didn’t have video phones then!!!

Oh well, MCI didn't call back for months, and months.

I think I'll retire the compressed gas airhorn I've been using on telemarketers and have some fun.

Eh, what's that, you've got shingles? I don't want your dang shingles. I had 'em once back in '43.

[SiG Lady]

...or you could mess with the operator a little and tell him/her your mother died 6 months ago, then get into a rant with him/her (just for the exercise) and accuse them of lying, etc., etc...

[Jeeper]

My biggest pet peeve for this people is the ones that come into my garage when I am working on my Jeep. This happened just last week. I am under my Jeep working on my transfer case and this TV cable guy just stroles into my garage and starts asking me about my cable. I asked him if he knew he was tresspassing and he promptly appologized. Then he continued asking me about my current cable service to which replied I didnt have cable. he then asked me why I chose satelitte over cable. I answered that I didnt have satelite either. With the most bewildered look on his face he asked if I just used an antenna and I answered "YES". I then told him that I try not to watch TV at all. He was competely shocked. He asked if I liked sports and News. I said that news on the internet is hours ahead of the TV and if I want to watch sports I go to a Bar. He was completely dumbfounded. I could tell he didnt have a single pitch for a situation like mine. It was comical.

[EricW]

An Evangelical Religious Zealot appears on your doorstep:

"Have you accepted the Almighty Jesus Christ as your Savior?"

"Not since I accepted Satan as my master..."

That one even gets guffaws out of my devoutly Catholic relatives.

[shred]

A few years ago the tech company I work for was plagued with cold-calling stockbrokers (they've mostly stopped now, go figure). Anyway, whenever one called I'd say "You should have called a week earlier, I just got out of the market". They'd say "Why?" and I'd say "I'm buying an island". Occasionally they'd try and play along to see if I was serious. "Really? Where?". "In the Abacos, north of the Bahamas". "You can buy one? How much are they?" "Well, starter islands go for about a million two, but I wanted the house and airstrip.." "Um, ok, bye"

[Duane Thomas]

"Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour?"

"No, I can't, it's against my religion."

"Oh, what's your religion?"

"Aztec. Got any virgins you wanna sacrifice?"

[rhino]

You guys are silly!

[SiG Lady]

...(silly) but effective. Surviving the onslaught of tele-droids requires out-of-the-box thinking...

[EricW]

You know, I try not to abuse the telemarketers. They're just working a job. It's just like dealing with the airlines. The gate agent isn't trying to screw you over (usually). The problem is with some dumbshit middle manager or junior executive somewhere up the food chain who likely never has to fly on the airline, much less coach.

Bring me the suit-monkey. Then...stand back....

[SiG Lady]

...telemarketing oughta be outlawed..!!!... It's invasive!

(Some of 'em aren't even people "working a job"... they're inmates in some lockup doin' this thing under supervision.)

[Matthew_Mink]

Last one I got before I upgraded to Privacy Manager:

ring...

Me: Hello?

Idiot: Hello sir, can I speak to Matthew MinK?

Me: Speaking.

Idiot: Excuse me?

Me: Speaking.

Idiot: Oh, ok. I am soandso from whatevercompany and I would like to...

Me: Are you a telemarketer?

Idiot: No sir, I work for whatevercompany and I would like to tell you about this great promotional offer on our...

Me: So what you are telling me is that you are indeed a telemarketer.

Idiot: ummmm.....well......

Me: And now you expect me to spend my hard earned money on a piece of crap that I have to buy from some guy who can't even tell the truth?

Idiot: Have a good night sir.

Me: Wait a minute, I'm not done with you, you liar.

....dial tone......

______________

Worked on that one for months before I got it right. Like shooting fish in a barrel.

[SiG Lady]

Bravo!

(I'm now on the Oregon No-Call List. Only $3.50 a year. That's how I spell relief.)

[kimel]

There is a telemarketting shop not far from where I live (about 16 miles...I can get good GPS coords if someone has a GPS guided missle they wish to send off for a good purpose).

They now have a big burly dude acting as a guard who stands outside the front door. Apparently folks have been known to cause mischief there abouts.

The building they are in is old and on street level. Ventillation must be horrible because the front doors are propped open most of the time (even in winter sometimes) with a box fan blowing air in. Their front door is about 3 car lengths back from a stop light. It is very humorous to sit there at the light and listen to people yelling at the telemarketers inside while they wait for the light. Often when this agency calls (they call themselves "customer service representatives") one can hear the folks at the stop light yelling in through the door. It is just too funny.

My best telemarketer story:

Phone rings and dude on the other end starts telling me about the services that "my" phone company offers. He was with Qwest, I have Verizon. This isn't a choice, it is the only option available other than cellular. I explained this to him and he told me I was mistaken, I had Qwest, not Verizon. I explained that even as I was speaking to him I had a Verizon bill in my hand. He then tells me that no, that is a Qwest bill (like I can't freaking read). I correct him and ask to speak with his supervisor. He then lets loose with a torrent of profanity, most of which was not in a language I speak.

I *69'd him and called the phone company and the police and reported it as a harassing phone call. I have never had another call from either Qwest or Verizon.

I am sooooo waiting for this national do not call list!

[Nolan]

Don't hold your breath for the National Do Not Call List to be effective. It has a couple of loopholes big enough to drive a truckload of bovine fertilizer through. If you have a business relationship with a company they can call you with advertising. Define business relationship????? If you've ever had ANY kind of dealings with the company you're fair game.

Look for the little checkbox on any business website that says "Check here for mail, email, or phone updates, new product information, etc..." to change to "Check here to be removed from our mail, email, or phone updates, new product information, etc..." It will probably also become next to invisible or be buried where you won't see it to uncheck the damn thing.

[Ironman]

I just had a kid that was calling for the NRA and asked me if I wanted to help the fight to keep my 2nd amendment rights. I started asking him which new gun law he was fighting. After about 2 min. of dancing around my questions I told him that I obviously knew more about the existing and proposed gun laws then he did. Then I told him that he needed to do some studying if he wanted to solicit any money from me. He told me he owned a gun and just joined the NRA... I never figured out his point. I wish that the NRA would educate their folks before they set them loose on the public.

Jim

[EricW]

I wish that the NRA would educate their folks before they set them loose on the public.

I wish the NRA would stop using telemarketing, junk mail, and scare-tactics that are directed at the very young or feeble minded. It really cheapens the organization.

I'm in the NRA, but there's some parts of which I'm not proud.