dirtypool40 Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 <OH SH!T, the humor break popped again!!!> I think I covered everybody, but if by some small chance If I DID NOT offend you and your division PLEASE CONTACT ME and I will rework it. I have been asked for more information on my plan to improve practical shooting and it’s acceptance by Kalifornia, New Jersey, and the French. With my new "no shooter left behind" program, every shooter, regardless of talent or performance will receive the same awards and accolades as a world champion. With no minimum score, or even attendance criteria, everyone will be promoted to the next class and get their rightful turn as champion. All shooters are equally special, and I already have the affirmative action programs to enforce this!! Production shooters will henceforth be referred to as "gaming impaired". Any movements which seek to clarify rules or make them objective and fair to all brands will be filibustered or vetoed. Any attempts to rescind artificial restrictions which hamper development and competition with be dealt with as harshly, as they would be in IDPA. Anyone choosing to take advantage of the opportunity to shoot a glock will get the dual benefits of our sympathy and blessing as having accepted the tactical gospel. From this day forward all stages will be required to have wheelgun access, for those participants disadvantaged by their choice in shooting a revolver. We will not bow to the special interest pressures brought by the single stack lobby and it’s myriad of sponsors, but we will ensure that entry level revolver shooters have comfortable, but not overly challenging courses of fire, even if it rankles the classist divisions. Once revered as the founding fathers of our sport, Single stackers will be scorned as "angry white men", “revisionist historians” or "the good old boys club". To imply that the sport came from these archaic antiques is preposterous. Or that someone would actually carry one of them? Absurd!! Those who choose to shoot these game only, impractical, dangerous anachronisms shall ever more be reviled. Shame on them and their “practical” 1911’s. We don’t care how many 1911’s are sold every year, the teeming horde of new shooters we could recruit or the sponsorship we are passing on, it’s a shameful division that makes too much common sense for this day and age. Worse, "Single Stack" had a bastard child, and they called it Limited. I have a plan to punish these classist, chest thumping, macho men. Limited shooters are now limited in number by quota as being male chauvenists. Anyone who shoots a “Limited gun” well enough to place with open shooters will be tested for steroids. Further, in the overall scores, Limited shooters may only comprise 3 of the top 10 at local matches, and 2 of the top 16 at any sectional or regional. Reguardless of performance, L10, Revolver, and Production MUST also have 2 each in the top 10. Open MAY EARN the other two slots, but the angry racists in single stack, are not allowed in the top 10 regardless of performance. This is affirmative action, not discrimination. Open division is a joke, anyone can shoot those guns well, they are clearly not a fair measurement of any skill, only of a shooters checkbook and scorn for women and animal rights. They are expensive, and anyone trying to bring open division to the masses is seen as a traitor to the conservatives “haves”. Open class will now be taxed, as this "class" is clearly "classist" and is only accessible to the conservative, GOP elite. Owning an open rig in concert with a Dillon 1050 will subject you to an ammo guzzling tax, certain noise abatement restrictions, and a bigot tax of, let's say 30%. More if you drive an SUV to the range. Certain Open shooters may be eligible to receive special exemptions as “hearing impaired”. I purposely save L10 for last. <Dramatic Clinton-esque pause as emotion washes over me> Limited 10 is a shining example of affirmative action and will stand as a beacon of hope to those who strive to artificially constrict creativity and competition. We intend to pass more legislation to further divide L10 into ever smaller ponds where you, and exactly your combination of gear are tops without any pressure to perform or compete. What we really need is to develop a sense of entitlement. It does not matter where you come from, PPC, Law Enforcement or IDPA, SASS Cowboy or even Bullseye. We owe it to you to make USPSA / IPSC more to your liking. Open with a 10 round Berretta or Glock 36 in a suede ankle holster covered an overcoat. You were the best left handed, senior, female, badge carrying Salvation Army officer from overseas, shooting open minor with a revolver on stage 3, string 2. Don’t you deserve the same credit as the dumb ole match winner? Vote for Pedro. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChuckS Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Man, You forgot "Timer Optional" stages. We don't want our self esteem be brutalized by a metric as such as time! Later, Chuck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrell Spicer Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Can't we all just get along?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn jones Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 oh boy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
38superman Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Funny ,...... a little on the cynical side , but definately funny . "Thats Humor, I recognize that". - Good Morning Viet Nam. Tls Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EricW Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 You left out mandatory remedial educationand testing. I want free lessons from a "name" GM at my whim and at someone else's expense. The test should be the El Presidente. Get 2 out of 12 rounds on cardboard and you're crowned a weiner... er ... winner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R/T Performance Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 (edited) Can't we all just get along?! I will add a little WOW Edit I feel dirty just for posting to this thread Edited August 2, 2006 by R/T Performance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cking Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 All stages will be par time, based on the slowest shooters time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirtypool40 Posted August 2, 2006 Author Share Posted August 2, 2006 (edited) All stages will be par time, based on the slowest shooters time. and the fastest shooter's hits. And shooters will fill out their own score sheets as to hits and penalties. There will be no grades, only pass fail, and you score yourself. Edited August 2, 2006 by dirtypool40 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AikiDale Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Don't forget teams. We need teams. It teaches us to be team players. Each shooter should get a randomly selected color at registration to be on that color team. That way no one gets picked last. And I'd like to buy the world a coke.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nemo Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 (edited) Seems somebody got the afternoon off... As I read, I felt this overwhelming urge of quitting shooting for good and taking up macramé... Does it fit in any division? Edited August 2, 2006 by Nemo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
toowide Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Would I have to actually show up to a contest to win or would i be awarded a prize for my intention to participate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 What? No scrapbooking class at the end of the match??!! Gah. Funny stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackdragon Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 You forgot the tax for the one person at EVERY shooters meeting that says" Is this in the box or out of the box"!!!!! Ivan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smokshwn Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeFoley Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 I am in stitches... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirtypool40 Posted August 3, 2006 Author Share Posted August 3, 2006 Would I have to actually show up to a contest to win or would i be awarded a prize for my intention to participate? Under my plan you would be awarded a trophy to encourage you to someday come out to a match. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 I find it offensive that you would even mention )(*#& - the pretender in the same post as ***!!!((($$$ - the only REAL & true gun. Let them eat cake! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AikiDale Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 I might show up if there is going to be cake! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carinab Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 So Mr. Pool, did we miss our medication this morning? I'm still wiping the tears from my eyes! Did some one say cake? Isn't that insensitive to the shooters who are diabetic or overweight? They can't eat cake without negative repurcussions! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 It's gotta have frosting or I won't participate!!!!! (Better not be sugar-free, either! Though some PC jerk will want it sugar-free....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AikiDale Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 Chocolate! It must be Chocolate! Real cake, with real sugar, real eggs and real Chocolate Frosting! With real milk to drink. None of that fat-free, x% PC or Soy based food stuff milk substitute either. A rabbit's got to have standards.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DMS42 Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 Now wait just a darn minute there--I didn't see anything for those of use that use BB guns, slingshots, bow and arrows, spears or just plain rocks. And I want STEAK, big and juicy and mashed potatoes and lots of gravy. And whiskey for the men and beer for the horses! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dajarrel Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 Excellant descriptions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan Sierpina Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 I think that was proposed by the Massachusetts legislature. Or at the very least, Cambridge city council!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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