Worst Case Scenario

[dirtypool40]

It finally occurred to me that I will soon have to face my worst fear in the worst set of circumstances.

So I went to the yellow pages and then called a bunch of dance studios. Most were closed but I left this message:

Hi there, this is Eric Stanley and you can reach me back at 555.5555......

Here's the deal;

I hate Dancing. I FEAR having to dance, more than heights, 8' spiders, or even a bullet. Ok a little bullet, and, uh maybe in the leg. But you get the idea!!

Now here I am engaged to a Latina, with 21 YEARS of dance training, not to mention the genetic Rhythm she was born with.

She sent me emails about the dream she had about our first dance, and how perfect it was.

Oh, did I mention this is a high society wedding in Santa Cruz, Bolivia, with 350 guests? That I have to dance with her mother and sisters as well, and that they all have training?

I am white. I have two left feet. I have a month. I fear your kind and what you stand for.

I dare you to call me back.

Three of them did and all were laughing when I answered the phone. I asked if they were going to save that message as a "worst case scenario".

[zhunter]

Dude, you are in some SERIOUS Sh!t!!!!!

You are doomed to failure by comparison!!!!!

[Merlin Orr]

Do not lift your feet in the air. Keep the soles of your shoes always touching the floor and slide them around. May not impress anyone but no injuries to toes will result. OR ELSE - get plastered and then who gives a sh*t..

[Vlad]

Does she know that you can't dance, or is this a secret to her so far? I'm only asking 'cause I'm trying to figure out which kind of funny you are setting yourself up for.

[BritinUSA]

Go to the video store and rent "strictly ballroom" ... take a picture of your fiance to show the clerk so they don't think you're gay.

Watch the video. Get manically depressed. Start drinking. Don't stop drinking until the wedding reception. You won't care how badly you dance.

Just think of Elaine from Seinfeld... that's what you'll look like, only worse. The alcohol will lessen the embarrasment.

I've seen a picture of your fiance. Any man that lucky deserves to be punished, this is your punishment.

[zhunter]

Does she know that you can't dance, or is this a secret to her so far? I'm only asking 'cause I'm trying to figure out which kind of funny you are setting yourself up for.

He's freaking white, of course she knows he can't dance! Or most likely jump for that matter!!!

DP, Merlin hit it right, just get smashed, you will think they are laughing with ya, ya won't feel the pain of embarrassment!!!!

OH, and one more thing, the white man's overbite DOES NOT improve dancing!!!!

[AlamoShooter]

Just focus hard on the tips of your shoes, and count out loud.

[Bigbadaboom]

( In the voice of Rob Schneider ) You can doooo it!!!!!

Really, your only hope is to hire John Travolta or Patrick Swayze. Swayze would be the cheapest.

Good luck.

[Sam]

I am white. I have two left feet. I have a month. I fear your kind and what you stand for.

ROTFLMAO!!!!

Dirty, you could have, in your best Austrian accent, just called them gurly-men!

At times like these, I'm always glad that I'm not a totally white guy. Yeah, I may look white, but actually I'm part Zulu......

....guess which part?

[Steve Moneypenny]

haha. i had to learn how to dance at 15 to fight better.. (if you can't dance you can't fight) then some cheerleaders in college helped me get even better rythm.

seriously dude, telll her u can't dance worth a shit.... then whatever you do will beat her expectations.

[Merlin Orr]

..... Patrick Swayze. Swayze would be the cheapest....

Good luck.

I am sure Hampster Boy would be happy to give you some private lessons.

Gerbil Guy

Edited November 11, 2005 by Merlin Orr

[XRe]

Think of it as cross training for IPSC.... No, seriously

My wife keeps wanting to take Ballroom Dancing classes - luckily, she has a horse habit, so we "can't afford" it right now, but someday I'm going to have the bite the bullet and do it. It won't be *that* bad, I guess, but....

(edit.... that's the four legged horse... not the "other" one.... )

Think of it this way - even w/ a month's worth of lessons, you're not going to be Rico Suave or anything... but you'll get respect for giving it your best! (at least, you better... don't they know you're a gringo??? )

Edited November 11, 2005 by XRe

[Kimberkid]

Ok dude, your F'd. There are only 4 things you need.

1. a gay guy

2. an old lady

3. hot bar skank

4. keg of Jim Beam

The only people that can dance are bar skanks to dance fast, old ladies to ballroom/classical dance, and gay guys to dance to everything else. Get all 3 of them together at once, crack open the keg of JB and dance will all 3 of them until you feel like you might be doing something right.

[Hank Ellis]

I feel your pain.

When my wife to be dropped the bomb that I would have to dance at our wedding I went into a panic. Cajuns will dance for no reason and need no music to keep the rhythm. I'm white. I'm rhymically challenged. I've got a bad case of WMOS (White Man Overbite Syndrome). I'm screwed.

Many hours of coaching in the living room by my soon to be other half got me through. It wasn't pretty but I survived. Just remember that 6 months from now nobody at the party will remember that your dancing resembled a hippo mating ritual. Just do it well enough to keep your bride happy.

[Barlin]

Dirtypool,

Lets review the facts.

1. High society South American celebration.

2. You Can't dance.

3.You are expected to dance with your fiance' s mother and sisters.

4. YOU CAN'T DANCE!!!!!

5. Traditional South American celebrations included human sacrifice.

Salsa may not be your dance but your condiment.

RUNAWAY! RUNAWAY!!

[tightloop]

Do the best you can and hope they all get drunk...Too late to really learn...Just pray you don;t cripple anyone...

[geezer-lock]

Come on fellows, what DP is doing is the equivalent being the first shooter on the first stage on the first day of the world shoot in a foreign country. He needs to be sober, prepared and have a PLAN.

How hard could a little footwork be?

I recommend that you fake it and here are some good tips:

http://www.askmen.com/fashion/how_to/42_how_to.html

David C

[dirtypool40]

I think I am bring thrown in the river by my own kind, just for the entertainment value!!!

[Merlin Orr]

I think I am bring thrown in the river by my own kind, just for the entertainment value!!!

What would truly be entertaining is to watch the fiasco as it actually unfolds....

Did you really expect any real help or sympathy?

[kimel]

Now Eric, what would make you think that?

[lndshrk]

My wife made me take ballroom dancing lessons for six months before our wedding. Didn't help at all. YOU ARE DOOMED!

[Vlad]

I think I am bring thrown in the river by my own kind, just for the entertainment value!!!

No no .. Not at all. ... Say ... I assume you will have someone take photos and videos of the wedding and such? I wonder if I could have their name.

[Hey QuicksDraw!]

I'll take a copy of the video.

[Bigbadaboom]

I'll take a copy of the video.

+1

[John Heiter]

Don't worry about it. There's an easy and scientific solution to the problem that I saw on an educational program one afternoon. What you'll need is a small glass test tube, a rubber or cork stopper, and a couple hundred of those Brazilian fire ants. Step one, have an accomplice (for the purposes of our lecture we'll refer to the accomplice as "Spanky") put all the ants in the test tube and then loosely cap the tube with the stopper. Next, have Spanky insert the test tube in the back pocket of your pants when you're not looking....