tightloop Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead raccoons...the attendant approaches him and says, "....sorry, only one carrion per person." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightloop Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 Two fish are swimming along when one of them swims into a concrete wall...He turns to the other and says, "Dam." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 This was a blond fish, right...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Oh nooooo... we have a new Merlin......! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zhunter Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 That's NOT good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zhunter Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 I would say that you're on a roll, but you're NOT! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dajarrel Posted May 12, 2005 Share Posted May 12, 2005 Subject: SOME PRETTY GOOD PUNS A good pun is its own reword..... A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu: the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating; always use condiments. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budget. Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself. Pretty bad, huh.... dj Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted May 12, 2005 Share Posted May 12, 2005 DAMN! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted May 12, 2005 Share Posted May 12, 2005 "Shotgun wedding." LOL!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightloop Posted May 12, 2005 Author Share Posted May 12, 2005 funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.' 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me. 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.' 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. 19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 21. A backward poet writes inverse. 22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UltraTen Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 The local Town Hall was robbed. Thieves broke in and stole all the toilets. Even after a week of investigating, police have nothing to go on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miranda Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 (edited) shoe factory burned down last night. a thousand soles were lost ! miranda edited to fix factory... Edited July 5, 2009 by Miranda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarge Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 City worker patched a hole one day The next day the hole was back When asked about it he said "It's not my fault it's asphalt". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChuckS Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 If your gecko is broken, you have reptile dysfunction... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
herky Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 Poor Indian chief in Oklahoma strikes oil on his land, buys his boys fast cars and cool boats because he wants "red sons in the sail set". Yeah I know, not great, but it came from Bennett Cerf who was a master punster. He died in 1971, so you youngins might not know who he was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Rusert Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 Two cannibals are eating a clown. One asks the other: "Does this taste funny?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarge Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 Two cannibals are eating a clown. One asks the other: "Does this taste funny?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Antichrome Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 2 termites go into a bar, one says to the other "So is the bartender here?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pittbug Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Here's a special pun just for today: Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JimmyZip Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Two cannibals are eating a clown. One asks the other: "Does this taste funny?" Why this joke never fails to get me laughing I'll never know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Punkin Chunker Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Two jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and warns them, "Hey, don't try to start something here!" They weren't worried -- they knew they had it wired. It was really their kind of place -- it was a clip joint. The whole thing was pretty shocking, I can tell you. Everyone at the bar got a charge out of it. The police finally came and arrested them for, (wait for it . . .) Simple battery. Ta dum dum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miranda Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Two jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and warns them, "Hey, don't try to start something here!"They weren't worried -- they knew they had it wired. It was really their kind of place -- it was a clip joint. The whole thing was pretty shocking, I can tell you. Everyone at the bar got a charge out of it. The police finally came and arrested them for, (wait for it . . .) Simple battery. Ta dum dum. ooof there is nothing like an electric pun to light up your day.... miranda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
downlow411 Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Punishing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pittbug Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Two highways walk into a bar. A few moments later they watch a thin grey line walk in and sit right next to them. One highway turns to the other and says: "hey, you'd better watch him, he's a cyclepath" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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