Merlin Orr Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 Rectum Stretcher While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a_-hole?" he asked. To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge........" Traffic Ticket: $95.00 Court Costs: $45.00 The Look on that Cop's Face: PRICELESS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightloop Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 Also priceless Guy gets stopped for speeding and the cop tells him, he will let him off if he can tell the cop a story he hasn't heard B4... Guy says his wife ran off with a highway patrolman just like you...looked in the rear view mirrow and thought it was him...bringing her back... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeeper Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 Two good ones Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nolan Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 A farmboy gets pulled over for speeding. While the state trooper is writting up the ticket a cloud of insects swarm around the trooper. As the trooper uselessly swats at the insects the farmboy says, "Boy, them there Circle Flies sure are a pain." "Circle Flies?" the state trooper asks "I've never heard of 'Circle Flies'." "Yup, them's the flies that circle around a horse's ass." the farmboy replies. "Are you calling me a horse's ass?" the trooper snaps. "No sur!, but you sure can't fool them damn flies!" Nolan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted July 13, 2004 Author Share Posted July 13, 2004 Best one yet, Nolan... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightloop Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warpspeed Posted July 13, 2004 Share Posted July 13, 2004 3 very good ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Detlef Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 "My wife will become pregnant tonight, and I want to be there" was the best one I heard so far... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matthew_Mink Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 My fave is: Guy gets pulled over. Guy tells cop that he is on the way to see a marriage counselor and is already late. Cop lets guy go. Whoever told me that swore up and down it really happened, I thought it was pretty good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IPSCDRL Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Umm, I was kinda hoping YOU knew........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.40AET Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?Me: Umm, I was kinda hoping YOU knew........ Allways wanted to say it and allways seem to keep my mouth shut. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted July 14, 2004 Share Posted July 14, 2004 "Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?Me: Umm, I was kinda hoping YOU knew........ " Perfect! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bountyhunter Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Actually, the correct answer is: "Wait a minute.... I'm not falling for that one again. You're supposed to tell ME what I did wrong!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bubber Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 A young lady was pulled over a Highway Patrol Officer. As he was walking up to her door, ticket open and in hand, She nonchalantley said I will take one ticket to the Highway Patrol Ball. The young Patrolman promptly replied, " Lady the Highway Patrol don't have balls." He then stopped closed his ticket book and said " Mam you have a nice day" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scooter Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 True story, from a friend of a friend. The guy was speeding down I-5 outside of Bakersfield doing about 100 mph in a big dually truck. Chippy pulls him over, walks up to the window and ask, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Guy replies, "Yes I do officer." Officer replies, "Slow down then" and walks back to his car. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KentG Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Funny timing, I got nailed less than a week ago. On the way home from work, 2 lane state road, doing 85ish and the state boy did an instant on heading my way about midnite. DAMN!!!! He said he clocked me at 76(I was on the brakes at the first beep on my passport) and wrote me up for 69 in a 55. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tman33_99 Posted July 16, 2004 Share Posted July 16, 2004 Many years ago, when I was in college, and not always making the smartest decisions. I was driving 85 in a 55 on a 2 lane highway back to school from my dads place. I topped one hill, and coming the other way topping the next hill was a county sheriff. He pulled over to the shoulder to do a U-turn but had to wait for traffic to clear. I got about 100 yards past him, and pulled over to my shoulder, grabbed my licence, and insurance card, got out and was sitting on my rear bumper before traffic cleared enough for him to do his U-turn. He didn't even get out....He just pulled up beside me rolled down his window, and said I know what you did, you know what you did......NOW SLOW DOWN. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted July 26, 2004 Author Share Posted July 26, 2004 "Was pulled over last night by a copper who'd followed me for a couple of miles and breathalysed. Bearing in mind I could barely stand it was no surprise to find I was massively over the limit. This was particularly disgraceful as I had the missus and kiddy with me in the car. I was arrested and read my rights. It was all a very salutary experience, especially when the copper got shirty because I found the whole business side-splittingly funny. His mate, whilst the arrest took place went and had a good look round the car, came back and started whispering to the other copper. They are whispering frantically at each other and neither of them look very pleased. Copper turns to me and starts accusing me of wasting police time, he calls me a twat. I point out he's just sworn at a member of the public, in front of an 18 month old child and that I'll report him for conduct unbecoming. Plod get back in their car and drive off, with the copper who'd had a look round my car laughing his head off. And the moral of the story is.... Always check whether a car is left or right hand drive before breathalysing the guy in the right hand seat" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barrettone Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 I was going God knows how fast down the freeway when the cop pulls me over. "Do you know how fast you were going" he asks me, to which I replied: "No sir, the speedometer only goes to 110." Cop looks over into the passenger seat only to see my dog with a bandana, sunglasses, and bucled in neatly to which he exclaims "Get the hell outta here!!!". Jeff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nemo Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs. $45.00 The Look on Cop's Face...... PRICELESS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diehli Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 (Said in a sing-song voice) You're in truh-bull!!! http://www.brianenos.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=15091 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ty Gentry Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 My father was driving down the 2 lane highway between Corpus Christi and Port Aransas and was pulled over for speeding. Off: Sir why were you speeding Dad: I need to get to the hospital quick. Off: What seems to be the problem Dad: I need an emergency surgury. Off: What do you need. Dad: I need to get my head taken out of my ass for driving so fast on your road. Off: (laughing) You go ahead and have a nice day. Why that never worked for me I'll never know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 Cop (after stopping kid doing 104 mph): Well, well, well. I've been sitting here waiting on sombody like you all day. Kid: "I'm very, very, sorry Officer! I got here a quickly as I could." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gm iprod Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 I got a ticket not to long ago and it took the plod a full 10 minutes to explain to me about the dangers of speeding. He handed the ticket over and I asked how much, he said that will be $200. I said "I know how much for the ticket but how much for the lecture?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diehli Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 I got a ticket not to long ago and it took the plod a full 10 minutes to explain to me about the dangers of speeding.He handed the ticket over and I asked how much, he said that will be $200. I said "I know how much for the ticket but how much for the lecture?" I can't wait to get old(er) so that I can get away with things like that. I'm sure I'd go to jail if I used that now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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