Guy Rules

[DougBarnes101]

I apologize if this has been done before but it was the first time I had seen it and thought I would share with every one here.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rulles from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" on purpose!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it is up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, we meant the other.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done but not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we are thinking unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.

Pas this to as many women as you can to give them an education.

[SiG Lady]

LMAO!!

Being Female: Way too co$tly

Being Male: Way too co$tly

DougBarnes' List: Pricelesssss......

[Liota]

SigLady,

At least he knows the rules, even if he doesn't necessarily agree with them.

Liota

[SiG Lady]

Liota--

My landlady gave me the "female rules list" in 1989 and I was appalled. I would NEVER have asked any guy to stick to THAT list.... well, maybe not ALL of it.... well, maybe SOME of it..... well, maybe MOST of it.....

[Nik Habicht]

There should be no rules ---- freestyle rules!

[Skywalker]

This is similar to an old "rulebook" I tried to pass to a female fellow shooter, who eventually replied:

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it is up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Learn how to use the toilet, you're adult. Even if the seat is up, the target is still the same low hole. And, remeber, if you think doing the little one from seated is not very masculine, starting from tomorrow you'll do the big one from standing too...

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Sunday = Relax. Microwave defrosted spinach are a perfect mating for mozzarella.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Ironing your shirts is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way!

Crying is blackmail.

Crying a whole day for an adverse/unfair referee decision against your favorite football team is less than childish!

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

If you need something, JUST TAKE IT! Nature had you born with two hands like everybody else!

Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Yes and No are simple monosyllables, use them instead of grunting!

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

"What answer do you wanna hear?" is a question, not an ANSWER!

A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

If you need to have sex that often, you'd better look for an exorcist than a medician: that's evil possession, not a disease!

If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you don't look like Keanu Reeves, don't dream about waking up next to Demi Moore.

If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

You ARE fat. Try starting to think about it!

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done but not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

We can ask you to do something, or tell you how we'd like it done, but you'll invariably end up doing it the wrong way!

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Please, the few words you say in the whole day are better understood if you say them with an empty mouth!

Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

Christopher Columbus drove three ships to a new continent: why the h@#§l you haven't still learned to drive your car to the next neighborhood?

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

If it itches, scratch it as you like, but is it ever possible there is always something that needs to be put in the right place?

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying but it is just not worth the hassle.

You don't need to be a mind reader to realize that on a 3-places couch you are laid on 2 1/2, and we are getting arthrosis...

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

If you have to ask any question, please ask them whenever you like... not only when the VISA bill shows up!

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

When we have to go somewhere, please try to organize yourself earlier than 15 seconds before leaving.

Don't ask us what we are thinking unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

If we don't ask "How are you?", did you ever bother to think we are not interested?

You have enough clothes.

You have few dresses, all looking the same.

You have too many shoes.

You have 7 shoes, and you never realized that!

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

You're not in-shape, you're un-shaped, that's a whole different story!

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

We don't mind if you sleep on the couch: we'll sleep perfectly without snoring noise!

There were a few other points in her reply:

- The perfect present doesn't exist, but if you bring in the same perfume every year, try at least not to spell it: we invariably think it is going to be chinese take-away food...

- Sometimes we are not working for you. You'd better accept this situation!

- Hair fall is sometimes irreversible. You're really ridiculous with that forelock starting from your shoulder!

- We don't like to sign calendar dates under the last playmate's tits. Starting from tomorrow, you'll be reading dates under Brad Pitt's abdominals...

- Your shoes are feeling terribly lonesome; do a good deed: gather them in pairs, they could at least be sold...

- Please keep track of your pants and socks consumption rate.

- If we say anything, that's what we said: why don't you ever understand!

- Don't think we don't look around: we're only smarter!

- Sex won't be anymore like the first two months: that's all water under the bridge.

- Never, never ask us what are we thinking when we head for the toilet after you shaved yourself, and the sink looks like a plantation for unnecessary hair.

- XXX-Rated films are for everybody else, not for you.

- Prada and Gucci handbags, unlike 4 liters of your favorite beer, don't have you belching like nice pink small fattening pigs.

[Garfield]

[SiG Lady]

Still LMAO...!!!

[steve223]

I Thought this one was pretty good

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write

this all down finally,

the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's

>pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note... theseare all numbered "1" ONPURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you

leaving it down.

> > > > > >

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

> > > > > >

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

And no, we are never going to think of it

that way.

> > > > > >

1. Crying is blackmail.

> > > > > >

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

> > > > > >

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every

question.

> > > > > >

1. Come to us with a problem only if you

want help solving it

That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

> > > > > >

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a

problem. See a doctor.

> > > > > >

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is

inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void

after 7 days.

> > > > > >

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's

Secret girls,

don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

> > > > > >

1. If you think you're fat, you probably

are.

Don't ask us.

> > > > > >

1. If something we said can be interpreted

two ways

and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,

we meant the other one.

> > > > > >

1. You can either ask us to do something

or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just

do it yourself.

> > > > > >

1. Whenever possible,

please say whatever you have to say during

commercials.

> > > > > >

1. Christopher Columbus did not need

directions and neither do we.

> > > > > >

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like

Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

We have no idea what mauve is.

> > > > > >

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

> > > > > >

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say

"nothing,"

we will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not

worth the hassle.

> > > > > >

1. If you ask a question you don't want an

answer to,

expect an answer you don't want to hear.

> > > > > >

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely

anything you wear

is fine...Really.

> > > > > >

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about

unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball,

the shotgun

formation,

or guns.

> > > > > >

1. You have enough clothes.

> > > > > >

1. You have too many shoes.

> > > > > >

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

> > > > > >

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch

tonight;

but did you know men really don't mind that?

It's like camping.

> > > > > >

[bountyhunter]

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports.

It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.

See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days..

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways

makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.

Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,

for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no

idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like

nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the

hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you

don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is

fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to

discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men

really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[AikiDale]

October 2003.

Guy's Rules

[mspingy]

AMEN BROTHER!!!!!

[outerlimits]

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl.If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping

[SiG Lady]

I've read this one a time or two before, but I'm repeatedly both amused and amazed at the logic of it......

[Middle Man]

This list reminds me of what a buddy of mine came up with to answer any question posed on any subject by his wife:

Yes, No, or 2

Just ponder the simplicity for a while....

[Merlin Orr]

Funny!

[Hey QuicksDraw!]

I am in total agreement with number one.

[lynn jones]

International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

( The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

© After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

( C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

© Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd

[JFD]

Oh crap!

I've broken rule #1 repeatedly on the golf course in a downpour!

Of course I hope the ICML will take into account we were fully clothed, drinking lots of beer, cussing quite a bit, and smoking cigars.

[warpspeed]

Good Lord! That is awesome !

[SiG Lady]

Hmm... No man THIS lady ever dealt with pressured me with #25...!! Quite the contrary. Heh.

[AikiDale]

Sounds like some Nancy boy making up rules to impersonate a man to me. If a real man needs a rule he makes his own.

[Larry White]

Now that those giant beer cans have started falling out of the sky Benny and I have stopped standing close to Merlin.------Larry

[George]

If a real man needs a rule he makes his own

Theres one that I agree with!

[dbletap_ed]

Enforce #8 and you might just have a wet car seat!