Funny Movie Quotes

[nheiny13]

From Shanghai Noon:

"No, you said 'Wet shirt don't break,' not 'piss shirt bend bar!'"

[davidball]

Animal House

BLUTO: Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell, no!

BOON: Germans?

OTTER: Forget it, he's rolling.

Edited October 10, 2006 by davidball

[flyingchange]

"Marriages don't break up on account on infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong."

"Oh yeah? Well that symptom is f*%king my wife!"

[et45]

There are quite a few in The Departed,but you can't repeat them here.Jack should get an Oscar nod for this movie.

[Coach]

Kids swallow quarters all the time. If she craps out two dimes and a nickel that's news.

[IronEqualizer]

Liar Liar:

"I've had better"

[Waltermitty]

What hump?

Young Dr. Frankenstein

[aerosigns]

I don't want to get killed for lack of shootin' back. - Open Range

[Waltermitty]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Well, dear, are you ready?

Inga: Yes, Doctor.

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Elevate me.

Inga: Now? Right here?

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Yes, yes, raise the platform.

Inga: Oh. Ze platform. Oh, zat, yah, yah... yes.

Young Dr. Frankenstein

[aerosigns]

Put ............. the ............. candle ............. back....

Edited November 28, 2006 by aerosigns

[flyingchange]

"Why are you so interested in me going to my high school reunion?"

"I just find it amusing that you came from somewhere."

[Shawn Knight]

"Why are you so interested in me going to my high school reunion?"

"I just find it amusing that you came from somewhere."

They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they've all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?"

[iainmcphersn]

I don't want to get killed for lack of shootin' back. - Open Range

Seems like the one armed deputy in Unforgiven said something to that effect just before they braced English Bob.

[flyingchange]

"Why are you so interested in me going to my high school reunion?"

"I just find it amusing that you came from somewhere."

They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they've all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?"

"I should have worn a skirt."

"I should have brought my gun."

"What was that?"

"Should be fun!"

[Shawn Knight]

"Why are you so interested in me going to my high school reunion?"

"I just find it amusing that you came from somewhere."

They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they've all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?"

"I should have worn a skirt."

"I should have brought my gun."

"What was that?"

"Should be fun!"

"So, is there a Mrs. Mysterio?"

"No, but I do have a very nice cat."

"Not the same."

"Well, you don't know my cat, it's very demanding."

"It? You don't know if it's a boy or girl?"

"I respect its privacy."

That is one of my favourites from this movie!

[GeorgeInNePa]

"Why are you so interested in me going to my high school reunion?"

"I just find it amusing that you came from somewhere."

They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they've all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?"

"I should have worn a skirt."

"I should have brought my gun."

"What was that?"

"Should be fun!"

"So, is there a Mrs. Mysterio?"

"No, but I do have a very nice cat."

"Not the same."

"Well, you don't know my cat, it's very demanding."

"It? You don't know if it's a boy or girl?"

"I respect its privacy."

That is one of my favourites from this movie!

Love that movie!

[Keith]

"Why are you so interested in me going to my high school reunion?"

"I just find it amusing that you came from somewhere."

They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they've all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?"

"I should have worn a skirt."

"I should have brought my gun."

"What was that?"

"Should be fun!"

"So, is there a Mrs. Mysterio?"

"No, but I do have a very nice cat."

"Not the same."

"Well, you don't know my cat, it's very demanding."

"It? You don't know if it's a boy or girl?"

"I respect its privacy."

That is one of my favourites from this movie!

Love that movie!

I agree. Very underated movie.

Dr. Oatman: "Don't kill anybody for a few days. See what it feels like."

Martin: "Alright, I'll give it a shot."

Dr. Oatman: "No. Don't give it a shot. Don't shoot anything!"

[aerosigns]

Lest we forget Tombstone:

Are you gonna shuck that smoke wagon or just stand there and bleed.

I have two guns, one for each of you.

[Waltermitty]

[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch]

King Arthur: How does it... um... how does it work?

Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.

King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments.

Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.

Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...

Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...

Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

Brother Maynard: Amen.

All: Amen.

King Arthur: Right. One... two... five.

Galahad: Three, sir.

King Arthur: Three.

[AzShooter]

Robin Hood, Men In Tights...

Richard: And why should they listen to you?

Robin : Unlike other Robin Hoods, I speak with an English Accent.

[Micah]

Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?

-Sorry if it's been posted before...I've got Dogs on the brain

[Chris Keen]

I'm having an old friend for dinner!

[h4444]

Bad Santa,,,,,whole movie,,,,

The scene in the boxing ring,,,,,OMG.

Bernie Mac and John Ritter were awesome in that show....

Too bad, NONE of the really funny lines can be posted......man, that movie is funny.

[38supPat]

Claude Elsinore: And I'd like to point out that these tapes have not been faked, or altered in any way. In fact they have time coding, which is very hard to fake.

The Judge: Would you please explain for the court "time coding."

Claude Elsinore: Well, uh, just because I don't know what it is, it doesn't mean I'm lying.

Doug McKenzie: Figures you wouldn't know how to work it if it's got a computer.

Bob McKenzie: Oh yeah, Mister Wizard, you know, eh...

Doug McKenzie: Let me try, I'm a genius.

Bob McKenzie: I was the last one left after the nuclear holocaust, eh. The whole world had been destroyed, like U.S. blew up Russia and Russia blew up U.S. Fortunately, I had been offworld at the time. There wasn't much to do. All the bowling alleys had been wrecked. So's I spent most of my time looking for beer.

Bob MacKenzie: My brother and I used to say that drownin' in beer was like heaven, eh? Now he's not here, and I've got two soakers... this isn't heaven, this sucks.

Doug McKenzie: I am your father, Luke. Give in to the dark side of the force, you knob.

Bob McKenzie: He saw Jedi 17 times, eh.

Doug McKenzie: The power of the force has stopped you, you hosers.

Bob McKenzie: He once got our dead battery goin' by mixin' bird feces and spit, cause there's like acids in it, eh?

Doug McKenzie: We hope you enjoyed the beer, oh, like I mean the movie, eh.

Bob McKenzie: Eh, hosehead, once you get there you can have all the free beer and sausages you want.

Bob McKenzie: If I didn't have puke breath, I'd kiss you.

Bob McKenzie: This movie was shot in 3B - three beers - and it looks good, eh?

Bob McKenzie: I gotta take a leak so bad I can taste it.

Policeman: I wouldn't go in there. There's a big skunk in there.

The Inspector: [Flashes his badge] We know about that. It's a Toronto skunk. My jurisdiction.

Pam Elsinore: You know how to handle one of those big rigs?

Bob McKenzie: Jeez, it's a ten-speed.

Doug McKenzie: Yeah, sure, o' corse, like, uh, we drive 'em, all the time, eh.

Pam Elsinore: Well take off, eh.

Doug McKenzie: Yeah. OK, well, uh, we found, uh, this mouse in a bottle of YOUR BEER, eh. Like, we was at a party and, uh, a friend of ours - a COP - had some, and HE PUKED. And he said, uh, come here and get free beer or, uh, he'll press charges.

Brewmeister Smith: I could crush your skull - like a nut - but I'm not going to - because I need you.

[realizing that the brakes don't work on their speeding van]

Doug McKenzie: [folding his arms] No point in steering now.

Bob McKenzie: You steer this thing!

Bob McKenzie: I was like a one-man army, like Charlton Heston in "Omega Man." You ever see it? Beauty.

Bob McKenzie: Fleshy-headed mutant. Are you friendly?

Doug McKenzie: No way, eh? Ra-... radiation has made... me an enemy of civilization.

Bob McKenzie: [into a comm unit] Alpha Base. This is Bob McKenzie. I have a fleshy-headed mutant in the Forbidden Zone.

[bob shoots Doug with a toy foam launcher]

Doug McKenzie: Ahhh! Take off, you hoser.

[bob and doug are on stand, in the courtroom]

Bob McKenzie: I do.

Doug McKenzie: I do.

Bob McKenzie: I guess we're married Clark.

Doug McKenzie: Oh.

Bob McKenzie: Where's the honeymoon?

The Judge: Order, Order.

Bob McKenzie: Gimmie a toasted back bacon, hold the toast

Doug McKenzie: Don't make me laugh, eh.

The Judge: I remind you not to speak, until you are spoken to.

Bob McKenzie: He's startin' to sound like the old man, soon he'll be sending me out for beers.

[Doug Snorts out the bullets in his nose]

[During the preview of the Bob and Doug Mackenzie film, a viewer realizes that the film is about nothing]

Angry Viewer: They did this on the album too!

Parking attendant: Hey, you! Six-fifty!

[Rosey pulls his jacket down around his arms, hockey style, and shows the guy his fists]

Jean LaRose: All I got's two fives!

[speaking to the inspector]

Parking attendant: He broke the gate! Then he took my jacket!... And he hit me!

Pam Elsinore: [referring to Bob] I can't believe it! He drank it all!

Doug McKenzie: [after taking multiple checks from the opposing hockey team] Ow, my left nut!

Doug McKenzie: See, if you'd stick to your 12-point maintinence program, eh, then we wouldn't have to jump-start you like this. Oh, no, you had to do it your way... you think you know everything, eh.

[lynn jones]

Claude Elsinore: And I'd like to point out that these tapes have not been faked, or altered in any way. In fact they have time coding, which is very hard to fake.

The Judge: Would you please explain for the court "time coding."

Claude Elsinore: Well, uh, just because I don't know what it is, it doesn't mean I'm lying.

Doug McKenzie: Figures you wouldn't know how to work it if it's got a computer.

Bob McKenzie: Oh yeah, Mister Wizard, you know, eh...

Doug McKenzie: Let me try, I'm a genius.

Bob McKenzie: I was the last one left after the nuclear holocaust, eh. The whole world had been destroyed, like U.S. blew up Russia and Russia blew up U.S. Fortunately, I had been offworld at the time. There wasn't much to do. All the bowling alleys had been wrecked. So's I spent most of my time looking for beer.

Bob MacKenzie: My brother and I used to say that drownin' in beer was like heaven, eh? Now he's not here, and I've got two soakers... this isn't heaven, this sucks.

Doug McKenzie: I am your father, Luke. Give in to the dark side of the force, you knob.

Bob McKenzie: He saw Jedi 17 times, eh.

Doug McKenzie: The power of the force has stopped you, you hosers.

Bob McKenzie: He once got our dead battery goin' by mixin' bird feces and spit, cause there's like acids in it, eh?

Doug McKenzie: We hope you enjoyed the beer, oh, like I mean the movie, eh.

Bob McKenzie: Eh, hosehead, once you get there you can have all the free beer and sausages you want.

Bob McKenzie: If I didn't have puke breath, I'd kiss you.

Bob McKenzie: This movie was shot in 3B - three beers - and it looks good, eh?

Bob McKenzie: I gotta take a leak so bad I can taste it.

Policeman: I wouldn't go in there. There's a big skunk in there.

The Inspector: [Flashes his badge] We know about that. It's a Toronto skunk. My jurisdiction.

Pam Elsinore: You know how to handle one of those big rigs?

Bob McKenzie: Jeez, it's a ten-speed.

Doug McKenzie: Yeah, sure, o' corse, like, uh, we drive 'em, all the time, eh.

Pam Elsinore: Well take off, eh.

Doug McKenzie: Yeah. OK, well, uh, we found, uh, this mouse in a bottle of YOUR BEER, eh. Like, we was at a party and, uh, a friend of ours - a COP - had some, and HE PUKED. And he said, uh, come here and get free beer or, uh, he'll press charges.

Brewmeister Smith: I could crush your skull - like a nut - but I'm not going to - because I need you.

[realizing that the brakes don't work on their speeding van]

Doug McKenzie: [folding his arms] No point in steering now.

Bob McKenzie: You steer this thing!

Bob McKenzie: I was like a one-man army, like Charlton Heston in "Omega Man." You ever see it? Beauty.

Bob McKenzie: Fleshy-headed mutant. Are you friendly?

Doug McKenzie: No way, eh? Ra-... radiation has made... me an enemy of civilization.

Bob McKenzie: [into a comm unit] Alpha Base. This is Bob McKenzie. I have a fleshy-headed mutant in the Forbidden Zone.

[bob shoots Doug with a toy foam launcher]

Doug McKenzie: Ahhh! Take off, you hoser.

[bob and doug are on stand, in the courtroom]

Bob McKenzie: I do.

Doug McKenzie: I do.

Bob McKenzie: I guess we're married Clark.

Doug McKenzie: Oh.

Bob McKenzie: Where's the honeymoon?

The Judge: Order, Order.

Bob McKenzie: Gimmie a toasted back bacon, hold the toast

Doug McKenzie: Don't make me laugh, eh.

The Judge: I remind you not to speak, until you are spoken to.

Bob McKenzie: He's startin' to sound like the old man, soon he'll be sending me out for beers.

[Doug Snorts out the bullets in his nose]

[During the preview of the Bob and Doug Mackenzie film, a viewer realizes that the film is about nothing]

Angry Viewer: They did this on the album too!

Parking attendant: Hey, you! Six-fifty!

[Rosey pulls his jacket down around his arms, hockey style, and shows the guy his fists]

Jean LaRose: All I got's two fives!

[speaking to the inspector]

Parking attendant: He broke the gate! Then he took my jacket!... And he hit me!

Pam Elsinore: [referring to Bob] I can't believe it! He drank it all!

Doug McKenzie: [after taking multiple checks from the opposing hockey team] Ow, my left nut!

Doug McKenzie: See, if you'd stick to your 12-point maintinence program, eh, then we wouldn't have to jump-start you like this. Oh, no, you had to do it your way... you think you know everything, eh.

hoser!