10 rules for the contact with my daughter:

[Bwana Six-Gun]

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #_______ _________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain:

Number of years they have been married: ____

If less than your age, explain:

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No

Pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE'</ B> mean to you?

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother? _____________

Pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

C: A woman's place is in the:

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

___ ____________________________ ________________________________

Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

In the meantime, to prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If

you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is

warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay.

Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come

inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Just a couple of questions there Nemo, Could you have passed this questionaire and is this the questionaire you use for your Daughter?

I did not use this for my oldest daughter before she got married, but I did talk about cleaning my shotguns when her dates came to pick her up. Her reply was "Forget it! I'll make up my own mind." Guess she knew what she was doing, married seven years and a great little grand-son to show for it.

[GentlemanJim]

I just showed the young men the big rusty nail that i would hang their nuts on if they crossed me

It worked well on them.....but the step daughter found ways around it

Jim

[warpspeed]

I've often said that when it comes time for my daughter to date, the young man will be introduced to me while I am cleaning my shotgun at the dining room table. My wife thinks I kidding.

[Nemo]

Just a couple of questions there Nemo, Could you have passed this questionaire and is this the questionaire you use for your Daughter?

Bwana, I would've been shot on-sight just for showing up with my mom's Cutlass Cruiser station wagon. If that car could talk...

Papa God didn't bless us with a daughter, but doin' my best so my two young gents pass their encounters with dads like us.

[Wideload]

Few more things you may want to consider ... Photograph, fingerprint and collect DNA specimen from the suspect (errr boyfriend) during the interview process. Have him pee in a cup for drug screen as well as provide a hair specimen in case there are any questions about the screen. (If he does not have hair on top of his head... it can be obtained from other parts) Finally photograph the vehicle, record the license plate and VIN.

[nm3gnr]

I have raised two daughters. The first thing I ask the potential boyfriend is, If he has strong hands ?

Good, come out side, dig a hole about this long, this wide, this deep. ( meausuring boyfriend) Explain to them that if they mess up and I have to intervein, I do not want to get all tired digging a hole.

Next, ask them to write down all family member names, numbers, discription of vehicle, and any other vehicles that may be there. Address and detailed description of house. Explain that in a fit of rage, I do not want any other people suffering for their wrong doing.

Ask them if they like to go camping, and what they would do in certain instances if certain things happen while we are camping.

Last of all, I let them know that I like to go shooting. And if they want to come along, and that the first thing they need to do is post up targets at about 300 yds.

[zhunter]

Im not too sure about this Nemo

Seems a little Too lax to me

LMAO...Jim

+1

I've often said that when it comes time for my daughter to date, the young man will be introduced to me while I am cleaning my shotgun at the dining room table. My wife thinks I kidding.

My Grandfather, as told by my mother, NEVER allowed her to go out on a date without the young man taking her on said date witnessing him cleaning his shotgun.

Seems like something that should be carried on in the family to me!!!

I like the .45 and a shovel too!!!

[ima45dv8]

A couple of guys once showed up to get my niece for a "buddy date". I guess that's where they're just supposed to be friends and not romantically involved (yeah - Right!). My brother (6' 8", and still atheletic) was working his German Shepherd when they arrived. When he rounded the corner of the house the dog started barking and the boys froze in mid-step. Seizing the moment, he told them to stand at attention or the dog might do something unfriendly. He then walked the dog around them a couple of times, letting him bury his nose in the butts and crotches, while saying things like, "Yeah, that's it, Briscoe. Get a gooooood smell. We may be tracking these two later tonight!"

According to my sister-in-law the boys were about to piss themselves from sheer terror. God, I wish I'd been there...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One father I know used to do something sorta funny. When his daughter would be about to walk out the door with her date, he'd hand her an aspirin. The guy would always ask, "What's that?" He tell them it was a birth-control pill. Then he would explain that his daughter had explicit instructions to clamp it between her knees as soon she left the house and not let it slip until she returned home. That way she couldn't get pregnant.

[bigsaxdog]

so i guess this means 52 yr. old saxophone players are out of the question......

Especially 52 yr. old saxophone players...

even if i promise we'll only listen to Paquito and "El Rey del Timbale"......

[Bwana Six-Gun]

Just a couple of questions there Nemo, Could you have passed this questionaire and is this the questionaire you use for your Daughter?

Bwana, I would've been shot on-sight just for showing up with my mom's Cutlass Cruiser station wagon. If that car could talk...

Papa God didn't bless us with a daughter, but doin' my best so my two young gents pass their encounters with dads like us.

Yeah. I know what you mean. Had my late father-in-law ever suspected what a scurvy charactar I was (am) he would have shot me on sight.

Knowing you, if my daughters were younger or your boys were older, I would be glad to let them take either of my daughters out (providing the girls were still single.).

[Skjold]

1. If you go in my entrance and honk, you should deliver something - because in this case I will deliver nobody to you.

2. In my present you do not touch my daughter. You may look at them - above the shoulders.

I will remove eyes or hands which do not leave from my daughter.

3. I know, it is to be carried on boys of your age just very much announced the trousers in such a way, as if they slid down any minute.

Do not take it please personally, however, you and your friends, you are all full idiots.

Still I would like to be open and present the following proposal: You may step with flashing underwear and oversized trousers before my front door, without I get excited. But to make sure that you do not lose your trousers during your date by chance, I'm going to fix it on your body by some 4" nails.

4. One has already cleared up you absolutely that nowadays sexual contact can mean a deadly risk without contraceptive. What concerns sex with my daughter I am the contraceptive. And the deadly risk also.

5. It is expected in general that we talk about sport, politics and the day events to become acquainted closer. I ask to stroke this. I wish from you merely experienced, when I can take my daughter again in my care - more exactly said I expect this one word: "early".

6. You are certainly a smart guy and could also arrange to meet other girls. I agree with it, as long as my daugter does too. Otherwise you will kindly go out as long with her, until she is fed up with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

7. Do not sigh and do not thrash around because you stand one hour or longer in the hall and wait for her. Who wants to be on time in cinema, should not arrange to meet at all. My daughter gets just ready and this can last longer than a lane removal of the road 69. Make yourselves rather useful, for example, you could change to me the oil.

8. The following places are not suited as meeting places with my daughter: Places with beds, sofas or pieces of furniture they are softer than a wooden footstool. Unlit places. Places, in those is danced, is held hands or to their happy mood it rules. The heated places which could suggest carrying of shorts, hangers or something other than overalls, sweater and a fed, to obenhin close parka.

Films with very romantic or sexual scenes are to be avoided strictly, chain saw films are OK. Hockey plays are OK. Hanging around at home with the parents is very OK.

9. Do not lie to me. I may look like an overweight numskull who has his prime of life behind himself. But if it concerns my daughter, I am the omniscient, relentless revenge angel. If I ask where you go and with whom, you have exactly ONE opportunity, to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I own a gun, a shovel and a lot of place in the garden. Do no little plays with me.

10. Be afraid. Be afraid very much. Whenever I sit around and wait nervously for the return of my daughter, I come to brooding. Then the recollection of the time climbs up in me with the Foreign Legion and the voices order to me again to clean my rifle. After shutoff of your vehicle, raise your hands above your head. Besides, call clearly the slogan which confirm timely return of my unscathed daughter, immediately get and set off. To step over the entrance of the property is not necessary. The shadow in combat suite in the window of the sitting room is me.

Edit: No. 9 shows specially a good effect when you're coming just with the gun on the back and the spade in the hand from the field, and the (new) friend of your sister is standing in front of the door...

Edit:

For those who are wondering about this rough english version of the story: bad translation from german.

Thougt it would be something new to you.

Sometimes i've got the impression all really good storys and jokes are already been told and translated to any language...

Edited September 15, 2009 by Skjold

[halogrinder]

english is a little rough, but the point goes across well

[Skjold]

english is a little rough, but the point goes across well

I'm still working on it.

Would be nice if you could write some some improvements for me.

[AR Gunner]

10 Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Skjold]

10 Rules For Dating My Daughter

...

Thanks a lot!

Maybe this was not the first time this topic was posted here?

Edit: The letter of the daugther to her parents about her time at the army is nothing new to you too?

Edited September 15, 2009 by Skjold

[outerlimits]

always wanted to use that line "I have a .45 and a shovel, i doubt anyone would miss you". never got a chance. cleaning an 1100, an AR and an open gun when the boys showed up always worked fine.

[Mark K]

My daughter is only 7. My hair gets grayer every time I even think about her becoming a teenager.

As for these rules, They are a good start. I might have to expand the scope of the questionare. I'm thinking there needs to be a release form for the implatation of a tracking/heart rate monotoring device.

When my daughter reminds me that I have gray in my hair, but my Dad does not, I reminder that he did not have any daughters.

Mark K.

[cconn]

When I was younger I started dating a girl who's dad was a Texas State Highway Patrolman. First time I went to pick her up he was in the living room cleaning a pistol. He invited me to sit down and have a talk with him. In the middle of the conversation I asked him if I could borrow his silicone cloth. With a puzzled look he said "ok". After picking up the cloth I reached under my jacket and pulled out my Colt Defender .45, unloaded it and started wiping it down. We got along fine after that.

[gm iprod]

When my daughter reminds me that I have gray in my hair, but my Dad does not, I reminder that he did not have any daughters.

Mark K.

Know how you feel. My Dad is 71 and full of life. Both of my brothers and I are greyer than he is and we all look like we are 71. We ALL have girls, 6 between us, aged from 16yr to 1yr.

Oh hell just as well we all shoot, including my Dad.

I know someone from down this way who is in real trouble now his daughter is 16. Maui1911 are you out there?