GlockSpeed31 Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Ok, I copied this from an email a friend sent me. I thought most of them were pretty damn funny. Enjoy! > All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to > make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements > a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples > that have been heard or reported: > > 1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned > seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were > apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight > attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking > out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" > > 2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight > attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, > we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning > down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to > enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." > 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to > take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave > anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to > have. > > 4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but > there are only 4 ways out of this airplane" > > 5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We > hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we > enjoyed taking you for a ride." > > 6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at > Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: > "Whoa, big fella . WHOA!" > > 7. After a particularly rough landing during > thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a > Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when > opening the overhead compartments because, after a > landing like that, sure as hell everything has > shifted." > > 8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard > Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat > belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull > tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, > if you don't know how to operate one, you probably > shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." > > 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, > masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, > grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you > have a small child traveling with you, secure your > mask before assisting with theirs. If you are > traveling with more than one small child, pick your > favorite." > > 10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with > some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed > before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody > loves you, or your money, more than Southwest > Airlines." > > 11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; > and, in the event of an emergency water landing, > please paddle to shore and take them with our > compliments." > > 12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of > your belongings. Anything left behind will be > distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave > children or spouses." > > 13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: > "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best > flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none > of them are on this flight!" > > 14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard > landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on > the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I > know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it > wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's > fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was > the asphalt." > > 15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into > Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy > day: During the final approach, the Captain was really > having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, > the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, > welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with > your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis > what's left of our airplane to the gate!" > > 16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than > perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated > as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." > > 17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular > flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really > hard. The airline had a policy which required the > first officer to stand at the door while the > Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for > flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad > landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in > the eye, thinking that so someone would have a smart > comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a > little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, > do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, > Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old > lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" > > 18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the > attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please > remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew > have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against > the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the > warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and > you can pick your way through the wreckage to the > terminal." 19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you g et the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways." 20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em." 21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zhunter Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Very Funny!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Micah Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 > 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,> masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, > grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you > have a small child traveling with you, secure your > mask before assisting with theirs. If you are > traveling with more than one small child, pick your > favorite." THAT is damn funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austinkroe Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 On a southwest flight a few years ago. During the pre-flight breifing when the lights were dimmed. The flight attendant said: If you look above you, the yellow button will turn on you personal light. The orange button calls one of us to you; it does not turn us on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 If those are real quotes, they're hilarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin c Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 #17 is my fave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shred Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I've heard versions of #8, #9 and #12 on various Southwest flights (no other airline has fun with the announcements). Another fun one is right after the plane taxies to the gate and the seatbelt ding goes off, they say 'All Rise..' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Kane Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Thank you for the hearty laugh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brazos SC Shooter Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I heard on a Southwest flight to Dallas years ago shortly after we landed; "Welcome to Dallas. If you enjoyed your flight my name is Bill and thank you for flying Southwest Airlines. If you didn't enjoy your flight, my name is David and thanks for flying Delta." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dajarrel Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I love airline humor. #19 .. blasting through the air in a pressurized metal tube... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 SW Airlines... Mid 70s...Heard by me while flying from Dallas to Houston. Please fasten your seat belts and prepare for blastoff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 "#19 .. blasting through the air in a pressurized metal tube..." I've often thought of that (while on the plane) (usually at pretty high altitude), but usually not for very long. Kinda gives you a freaky, indescribable feeling in the lower part of your body....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carinab Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Overheard on a very early morning flight out of Las Vegas: "This is your captain. We will be delayed for a couple of minutes while we wait for traffic to clear. We're a bit heavy and will need to take off into a head wind." There was a click but the mike was still open and the chatter between the captain and co-pilot could be overheard in the cabin. The captain had the misfortune to say the following, "I hate these early morning flights. You know what I could use? A [certain sexual act] and a cup of coffee." One of the stewardesses then ran towards the front of the cabin at break-neck speed. One of the passengers called out, "Hey, don't forget the coffee!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Precision40 Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Once I flew from San Diego to OKC and it wasn't 15 seconds after the plane lifted off that people started walking around the cabin. The flight attendant didn't say a word until we landed and then she said something to the affect of "Thanks for flying Southwest Airlines, for those of you who got up before the captain turned off the seat belt sign, you name and seat number were recorded and you will never be served free peanuts on a Southwest flight again, for those of you who actually paid attention to the pre-flight briefing, you each get a free voucher for double-nuts on your next flight" The entire plane erupted in laughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blkbrd Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3quartertime Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 "#19 .. blasting through the air in a pressurized metal tube..." I've often thought of that (while on the plane) (usually at pretty high altitude), but usually not for very long. Kinda gives you a freaky, indescribable feeling in the lower part of your body....... We were just talking about that at work recently. Something like, ' you know the passengers would **** if they knew how thin the skin really is'. No you don't wanna know! Overheard on a very early morning flight out of Las Vegas:"This is your captain. We will be delayed for a couple of minutes while we wait for traffic to clear. We're a bit heavy and will need to take off into a head wind." There was a click but the mike was still open and the chatter between the captain and co-pilot could be overheard in the cabin. The captain had the misfortune to say the following, "I hate these early morning flights. You know what I could use? A [certain sexual act] and a cup of coffee." One of the stewardesses then ran towards the front of the cabin at break-neck speed. One of the passengers called out, "Hey, don't forget the coffee!" Thats a good one that I hadn't heard before. Gonna share it with the crew! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blkbrd Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 (edited) .032"-.075". you know the passengers would **** if they knew how thin the skin really is'. No you don't wanna know! Can you say beer can. Water landing-thats a good one? Edited January 18, 2007 by blkbrd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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