openclassterror Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 I really wanted a bicycle, so I asked God for one. Then I realized he doesn't work that way. So, I stole one and asked for forgiveness....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 Hmm . . . that sounds a bit like attempting to game God. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreenDragon64 Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 100 second penalty for gaming? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
openclassterror Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 If that 100 seconds is in hell, NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreenDragon64 Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Tom, you'd be forced to be on the island in Lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
okiestovepipe Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone just stood around singing "Happy Birthday." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
openclassterror Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 (edited) Answer to college final exam question- what is the most ingenious invention of our time?- One student simply wrote " thermos". When the Professor asked him to explain, he said, "well, when you put in something hot, it keeps it hot. When you put in something cold, it keeps it cold." "Yes", replied the professor, "Go on-". With an absolutely awe-struck face, the young man said, " How does it KNOW?" Edited March 31, 2014 by openclassterror Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreenDragon64 Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 Answer to college final exam question- what is the most ingenious invention of our time?- One student simply wrote " thermos". When the Professor asked him to explain, he said, "well, when you put in something hot, it keeps it hot. When you put in something cold, it keeps it cold." "Yes", replied the professor, "Go on-". With an absolutely awe-struck face, the young man said, " How does it KNOW?" Ha, I had a philosophy class that the final essay was why do you believe the chair is there (had a regular cheapo plastic chair in the front of the room). I simply wrote, "what chair," and handed it in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SandW745 Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 The lady with one leg shorter than the other? Named Ilene? Works at IHOP? Her last name is Dover. Her husband's first name is Ben. Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducked. Two Chicagoans are talking about technology. One says "I got one of them new-fangled DVRs yesterday, but the thing's broken." His buddy says "Broken how?" First guy says "When I set it to record "Biggest Loser", all I get is the Cubs games." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SandW745 Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 Illinois farmer Joe dies, and since his life was not-so-good, he heads "downstairs". After he's there for a few days, Satan comes by to visit, and asks Joe "Is it hot enough here for you?" Joe says "Hot? This ain't nothin! Did you ever cut hay in Illinois in July?" Satan can't let that go, so he turns up the thermostat and waits 3 days. Satan comes to see Joe again, and asks "So, hot enough for you now?" Joe says, "Hot? This ain't nothin. Did you ever bail hay in Illinois in August?" Well Satan's really getting steamed, so he turns the thermostat all the way up, and waits a week. Next visit Satan asks, "So, how's it now?" Joe says "This ain't nothin. Did you ever stack hay in Illinois in August?" Well, Satan's stumped, until he decides to flip the thermostat all the way to the other extreme, and waits two weeks. Satan stops to see Joe, who's stamping his feet, clapping his hands and arms together, and just trying to keep his circulation going. Satan asks "So, wise guy! How's the weather now!?" Joe says "Wow! What happened? Did the Cubs win the pennant?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
okiestovepipe Posted April 3, 2014 Author Share Posted April 3, 2014 A young and old lawyer are sitting at a bar. When a very attractive you woman walks by, they younger attorney says "Hey, I would like to screw her." The older attorney says "Out of what?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Systemstooge Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 A three legged dog walked into a bar carrying a six-gun. He walked up to the bartender and said, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw". SS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreenDragon64 Posted April 4, 2014 Share Posted April 4, 2014 Hey girl, you're like a fire alarm. Loud and annoying as hell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gm iprod Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Guy walks into a doctors and drops his pants. Dr says "Hell you have a lettuce leaf stick out your backside". Guy says "That's just the tip of the iceberg!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gm iprod Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 I hate Viagra, most girls can wriggle free before it takes effect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrumpyOne Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Guy goes to the Doc...Doc, you gotta help me stop smoking cigars! I've tried everything! Doc says, OK, every night before you go to bed, stuff one of your cigars up your backside, and in the morning, pull it out, put it back in the box with the others, close the lid and shake them up. Guarantee you'll stop smoking cigars... Guy says, I'll try it....Comes back in a week, Doc! Thanks so much! I stopped smoking cigars in 3 days! But now I have another problem....Whats that? Doc asks....Well now, I cant go to sleep unless I shove a cigar in my butt... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreenDragon64 Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 A moth goes to the dentist office. The dentist asks what brought him in today. The moth said, "because the light was on." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gm iprod Posted April 8, 2014 Share Posted April 8, 2014 Some idiot when asked by Shooting USA "what brought you to the Bianchi Cup?" Answers dead pan and instantly "Airplane" Cameraman could barely hold the camera still and the only time I seen Scoutten gobsmacked and lost for words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
okiestovepipe Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 I was fired from my job at the Helium factory, they said they did not like my tone of voice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pat Miles Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Guy goes to the Doc...Doc, you gotta help me stop smoking cigars! I've tried everything! Doc says, OK, every night before you go to bed, stuff one of your cigars up your backside, and in the morning, pull it out, put it back in the box with the others, close the lid and shake them up. Guarantee you'll stop smoking cigars... Guy says, I'll try it....Comes back in a week, Doc! Thanks so much! I stopped smoking cigars in 3 days! But now I have another problem....Whats that? Doc asks....Well now, I cant go to sleep unless I shove a cigar in my butt... Cheap thrills! Pat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreenDragon64 Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 In class one day, a 4th grader was asked to make a sentence with one of this week's spelling words on his test. He looks at the list and then figures out one for the word fascinate. His sentence? My big sister's shirt has 10 buttons, but she can only fascinate of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
okiestovepipe Posted April 15, 2014 Author Share Posted April 15, 2014 A Physicist, a Chemist and a Statistician want to go deer hunting, but they only have one rifle. While hunting they see a 12 point buck that is in range. The Physicist takes a shot at the deer and is 5 feet to the left. The Chemist grabs the rifle for his turn and takes his shot. Only to have the round impact 5 feet to the right. The Statistician shouts "We got him!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BitchinCamaro Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 A Physicist, a Chemist and a Statistician want to go deer hunting, but they only have one rifle. While hunting they see a 12 point buck that is in range. The Physicist takes a shot at the deer and is 5 feet to the left The Chemist grabs the rifle for his turn and takes his shot. Only to have the round impact 5 feet to the right. The Statistician shouts "We got him!" From a science background, that's a classic I haven't heard in years. Loled! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Youngeyes Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Guy goes to the Doc...Doc, you gotta help me stop smoking cigars! I've tried everything! Doc says, OK, every night before you go to bed, stuff one of your cigars up your backside, and in the morning, pull it out, put it back in the box with the others, close the lid and shake them up. Guarantee you'll stop smoking cigars... Guy says, I'll try it....Comes back in a week, Doc! Thanks so much! I stopped smoking cigars in 3 days! But now I have another problem....Whats that? Doc asks....Well now, I cant go to sleep unless I shove a cigar in my butt... And here I thought that the girl who said I had a smokin' ass was giving me a compliment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrumpyOne Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 A Florida Gator fan, Ohio Buckeye fan, UConn Huskie fan, and UK Wildcat fan sit down to dinner at a Logan's Roadhouse... Sounds like the start of a good joke, doesn't it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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