grassy knoll Posted December 1, 2002 Share Posted December 1, 2002 The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO) 1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area. 2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake. 3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes. 4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure. 5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it. 6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars. 7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return. 8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops. 9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes. 10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection. 11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations. 12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost. 13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere. 14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life. 15. Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.) 16. C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date. 17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft. 18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs. 19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's. 20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire. 21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target. 22. MinuteMan Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons. 23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. 24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy. 25. Signal: Tries to communicate with snake...fail repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the 2 smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake is forgotten. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted December 1, 2002 Share Posted December 1, 2002 God, that's hilarious!! (I know, I know, this is a frivolous post... but God, that's hilarious!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duane Thomas Posted December 3, 2002 Share Posted December 3, 2002 Well of course it's frivolous. This IS the Humor section. What, should you have to be serious? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted December 3, 2002 Share Posted December 3, 2002 Nope, not for a moment! Not here! Not a chance! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3quartertime Posted December 3, 2002 Share Posted December 3, 2002 Uuuh,,,did the doctor say one pain pill or two,,,well they're small so... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liota Posted December 14, 2002 Share Posted December 14, 2002 It's All True!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IPSC CHIK1 Posted December 14, 2002 Share Posted December 14, 2002 god i LOVE it!!!!!!!!! SharonAnne L2387 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vince Pinto Posted December 30, 2002 Share Posted December 30, 2002 I received this gem recently from a friend: The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO) 1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area. 2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake. 3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes. 4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure. 5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it. 6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars. 7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return. 8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops. 9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes. 10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection. 11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations. 12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost. 13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere. 14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life. 15. Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.) 16. C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date. 17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft. 18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs. 19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's. 20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire. 21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target. 22. MinuteMan Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons. 23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. 24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy. 25. Signal: Tries to communicate with snake...fail repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the 2 smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake is forgotten. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shred Posted December 30, 2002 Share Posted December 30, 2002 Vince... didn't you learn the search function last time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vince Pinto Posted December 30, 2002 Share Posted December 30, 2002 Dammit. Mea culpa guys. Sorry for repeating a joke which has already been posted. I shall stand in the corner and whip myself mercilessly for 15 minutes as penance for being a baaaaaaaaad boy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted December 30, 2002 Share Posted December 30, 2002 The second posting only reminds me how funny it was the first time...! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Detlef Posted January 2, 2003 Share Posted January 2, 2003 be happy that you didn't post the New Jersey hunter joke...for the 5th time! --Detlef Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Modoc Posted March 26, 2010 Share Posted March 26, 2010 Found in Search and resurecting. I really enjoyed it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ranger6 Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 Navy: Deploys Carrier Group to encounter snake; Makes coffee; Lands complete Marine Expeditionary Force to find snake; Drinks coffee and decides shore duty is better than sea duty; Returns to port - Leaves Marines to fend for themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom S. Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 (edited) U.S. Government: Send official envoy to speak to snake. After lengthy discussions, Senate and House approve $50 million foreign aid package for the snake. 10 years later, the government declares the snake a terrorist and authorizes the CIA to spend $100 million in search and destroy covert ops. Edited March 27, 2010 by Tom S. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corey Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 love it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. C Posted April 5, 2010 Share Posted April 5, 2010 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corey Posted April 5, 2010 Share Posted April 5, 2010 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Classic_jon Posted April 5, 2010 Share Posted April 5, 2010 Is that a diamond back or ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. C Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 Eastern Diamondback. It was over 7 feet long!! Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Modoc Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 Did it require a full interagency response? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrumpyOne Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 That's a small one from down in my neck of the woods! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Team Amish 1 Posted April 7, 2010 Share Posted April 7, 2010 That's a small one from down in my neck of the woods! I once ALMOST stepped on a 5ft rat snake and screamed like a little girl (even funnier if you know me..). I'd probably faint at the sight of that there thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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