lynn jones Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 15 Ways to Avoid a Good Southern Ass Whoopin... 1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass. 2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass. 3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking. 4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass. 5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass. 6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass. 7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass. 8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. 9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked. 10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked. 11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass. 12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor. 13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours. 14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass. 15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EricW Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 On a business trip, my Southern host discovered that I had never eaten at a Chick-fil-A - a restaurant I heretofore had not known existed. Guess where we went for lunch... When we went to the counter she commented to the manager, who was taking our order, that I had never eaten at a Chick-fil-A before. Immediately everyone in the restaurant stopped everything, turned about, and stared at me like I'd just hopped out of my spaceship and demanded they take me to their leader. Wait'll you see what we Yankees got in store for you when we take you out for chowder at Ivars. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diehli Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Hmmm... must be a SoCal thing. I've eaten there several times, despite management's religious proclivities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ORCA Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 FYI to all yal yankees the new politically correct term for "Hillbillies" is Appalacian Americans. Also while on the subject we redefined the english language, we made it right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 "...Appalachian Americans..." LOL!!! Gah, what NEXT...??!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redmercury2 Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 you still pissed about the civil war? get over it .,yall,lost! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ORCA Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 We know the truth about the war between the yellow and the gray... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cpty1 Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 you talking about the war between the Americans and the yankees? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chp5 Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Chris - yep, that's the one. Lynn - great post! BTW - Reading a great book called The Real Lincoln. Very enlightening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn jones Posted January 7, 2004 Author Share Posted January 7, 2004 or the "war of northern aggression" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vince Pinto Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Hey Lynn, I thought it was just you but, dammit, it sounds like the whole South are my kinda people. Been to Georgia a few times and loved it, but I really must get into the deep-deep South one of these days ........ you have been warned. And I'll take my chances at getting an ass kicking by teaching you a thing or two about making a great BBQ Aussie style (you have flies, doncha?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn jones Posted January 7, 2004 Author Share Posted January 7, 2004 vince, southern Hong Kong or southern Australian do not count! btw, we're talking BBQ pork not dingos, or crocks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redmercury2 Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 just kidding believe it or not ,i was named after ROBERT E. LEE hisself, please fo rgive me! by the way does southern arizona count? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ORCA Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Are you south of the Mason / Dixon line? Its hard to beat North Carolina Hickory Smoked BBQ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redmercury2 Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 i"m SOUTH OF ATLANTA,RICHMOND AND CHARLESTON. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cpty1 Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Vince, you better edit that post buddy. Saying there's anywhere deeper in the south than Georgia will "git you one of dem whoopins". BTW, do you Aussies do BBQ Georgia or Carolina style? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Singlestack Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Saying there's anywhere deeper in the south than Georgia will "git you one of dem whoopins". Anybody that is from anywhere north of I10 is a Yankee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cpty1 Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 now Singlestack's got a whoopin' comin'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Detlef Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Netscape (from Illinois) is Southern? What's not then???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Merricks Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 That's some good stuff Lynn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AikiDale Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Kentucky Colonel AikiDale would like to remind you all, no offense, it was the 'recent unpleasantness' and there was nothing civil about it. Hillbilly is acceptable in polite company. If you are not polite then you better smile and say 'Mountain William' or you are in for an ass whoopin'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob H Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Y'all do know that true North Carolina hickory smoked barbeque pork is served with a vinegar based sauce, and not that nasty tomato based stuff, and, when served on a bun, cole slaw is added. That's eastern NC barbeque, not that trashy stuff they serve out west of Raleigh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Kings in Washington, NC. MMmmmmmmmMMmmmmmm.... BUT go to TX for great Beef BBQ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vince Pinto Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Hey guys, I gotta admit I do love dem "Georgia Peaches", but you don't get much more South than being below The Tropic of Capricorn, and t'ain't nuthin' wrong with BBQ crocodile, kangaroo, dingo or wombat. And, hell, we think Jed Clampett and his kin are Big City Folk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scooterj Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 I-10 is definately the line. The only thing that should be put on grits is hogs-head-cheese Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts