I am confused

[Merlin Orr]

Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.

I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim line phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing. Never could figure that out... Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn’t figure what to do with them and gave up.

That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa’s crazy text messages. Give me a break. What ever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn’t that what they were invented for?

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger.

One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly –fishing. "Way to go, son."

Or in my text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat south of Ellensburg, Washington. We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this strange thing.

His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn’t called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that ‘dealing with an elder despair’ look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son’s client’s changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and Faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on the Yakima River with us.

He then called his clients and told them he was Faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office.. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad." I guess I am.

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouse, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife as every one in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."

Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

[zhunter]

Too funny

[dajarrel]

My son will love this. He considers me a neanderthal when dealing with computers.

I encourage it though. When something breaks or won't work, I call him and he comes to visit and fix it. It isn't the only time I see him, but it gets him by a bit more regular.

Great post, Merlin

dj

[Showclear]

That is funny!

Especially

(Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."

Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.)

Rich

[SiG Lady]

Holee Crap, that's Garrison Keilor stuff! You should publish that essay as a free-lance piece to several newspapers and see what happens! I'm NOT KIDDING! Do it! Do it!

_{Unless, of course, you already copped this from the Lake Woebegone archives and didn't tell anyone...}

[OpenShooterGirl]

:roflol: :roflol: :roflol:

[Pat Miles]

I am the caveman that you always hear about. After carrying a company cell and pager for 20+ years I gave them back when I retired four years ago and never replaced either. I have dial tone and DSL at the house so folks can either leave me a message or email me. My son and his wife just can't understand why I don't want to be connected. Friends and folks I shoot with are befuddled. Truth is I just don't want a two year contract that I have to pay for every month and I really enjoy being out of pocket for the rest of the world. No I don't want to be bothered at all hours of the day. I don't want to text, twitter, take pictures or receive minute by minute updates regarding the latest sighting of Michael Jackson. Life is quiet and relaxing, just the way I like it.

CYa,

Pat

[gino_aki]

Ah for a world where technology stopped at stuff adopted in 1911...oh wait, this IS that world!

Oh, and +500 on SiG Lady's comment.

Edited July 7, 2009 by gino_aki

[Graham Smith]

BRILLIANT!!!

Here's a story. The other day, a (somewhat younger) friend of mine was busy Googling something with his Crackberry and I commented that I just didn't need to be THAT connected to the world. He made some noises about me being too old to deal with it anyway. He then quickly shut up when he remembered that I'd been using computers since 1972, but too late. I launched into a lengthy discussion about the genesis of modern broadband technology with a sidebar on the fact that we are way behind most industrial and several agricultural countries in this area.

That's when he gave me his best "no mas" look and said, "OK, point taken. But I still don't understand why you aren't interested in taking advantage of all this?". "Simple", I said, "it's because I have better things to do with my time and $150 a month than give my thumbs carpel tunnel syndrome. And since you seem to have so much money to burn, you're buying the next round."

[d5357]

VERY FUNNY!!

:roflol: :roflol:

[M ammo]

I am confused, My Twitter don't Tweet

I work in the IT biz, and cannot keep up, don't feel bad.

Not to worry just keep watching TV!! They will be selling a pill for this problem sooner or later!

Jim M ammo

[Jim Norman]

Remember when?

You had a telephone that you dialed.

It was Black.

It sat on a small table in the living room.

If you were not home when it rang, you didn't know.

If it was important, the caller called back again.

You had at least one friend that actually had a phone that you reached by dialing the operator and asking for his number, (Randolph 3137)

A pager for kids consisted of Mom yelling out the back door, Junior, get your butt in here it's dinner time.

If you needed to make a call while away from home, you walked into a store or up to the corner and there was a 3x 3 x 7 glass enclosed structure, it had a roof, 3 walls and a folding door, in one corner was a PayPhone, you inserted a number of coins and dialed the number you needed. Under the phone was the local phone directory. If you needed a number not local, you dialed 411 and got "Directory Assistance" you gave the name and address and they actually found the number. Heck they'd often connect you at no additinal charge and if you were not quick at writing it down, or had another question, the operator was still on the line, you didn't get shuffled off to some computerized voice.

The TV had 5 channels you could access if you lived close to the city,

Broadcasters ended their day sometime around 2am most days, often earlier.

They ended with the Star-Spangled Banner playing and a clip of the flag flying or maybe an Air Force flyover.

TV started up again in the morning, again with the Star-Spangled Banner.

The TV remote was you, or your kids if you area older than I am.

There was AM Radio and some FM, Maybe.

Mom cooked dinner, she didn't heat up things in a microwave.

A microwave was a small wave you gave if you were unsure of who you were waving at.

I could go on, but since I remember all this, I must be getting old and nostalgic. Time to go down to the corner drug store and have the guy at the soda counter make me a vanilla coke.

[Tizzle]

Remember when?

You had a telephone that you dialed.

It was Black.

It sat on a small table in the living room.

If you were not home when it rang, you didn't know.

If it was important, the caller called back again.

You had at least one friend that actually had a phone that you reached by dialing the operator and asking for his number, (Randolph 3137)

A pager for kids consisted of Mom yelling out the back door, Junior, get your butt in here it's dinner time.

If you needed to make a call while away from home, you walked into a store or up to the corner and there was a 3x 3 x 7 glass enclosed structure, it had a roof, 3 walls and a folding door, in one corner was a PayPhone, you inserted a number of coins and dialed the number you needed. Under the phone was the local phone directory. If you needed a number not local, you dialed 411 and got "Directory Assistance" you gave the name and address and they actually found the number. Heck they'd often connect you at no additinal charge and if you were not quick at writing it down, or had another question, the operator was still on the line, you didn't get shuffled off to some computerized voice.

The TV had 5 channels you could access if you lived close to the city,

Broadcasters ended their day sometime around 2am most days, often earlier.

They ended with the Star-Spangled Banner playing and a clip of the flag flying or maybe an Air Force flyover.

TV started up again in the morning, again with the Star-Spangled Banner.

The TV remote was you, or your kids if you area older than I am.

There was AM Radio and some FM, Maybe.

Mom cooked dinner, she didn't heat up things in a microwave.

A microwave was a small wave you gave if you were unsure of who you were waving at.

I could go on, but since I remember all this, I must be getting old and nostalgic. Time to go down to the corner drug store and have the guy at the soda counter make me a vanilla coke.

OK maybe it's just me but somebody on here has to have had this happen...

I'm reading all of the posts on this thread and they're pretty funny, getting me primed I suppose.

I finish with the last post and before I manage to hit the back button I happen to catch the first line of Jim's signature,

"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"....

... and proceed to explode Mountain Dew from my nose. Either I'm not paying enough attention to signatures, was already in a jovial mood from the prior posts, or that is just an awesome quote. Either way, thank you for that.