Do I Have Unreasonable Expectations Of Teenager's Beheavior?

[Jake Di Vita]

Wow am I the only one who things the kid is way out of line here?

Go figure but I could have sworn young people should respect their elders....so the guy is living with her mom.....big friggin deal.

get married or shut the heck up?

Please....if I even now (at 21 years of age) acted that way to an adult (especially one living in my mother or father's house) I would be knocked into next freakin year.

Even if she does look at it as a "temporary situation she must put up with" that still gives her no right to act like that.

Sounds to me like the mother needs to actually discipline her daughter.....go figure....

[jkrispies]

I have to agree with Viggen and many others. The 14 Y/O has more right to bitch about the phone or cereal than you do. Most likely she simply views you as a "temporary situation" that must be put up with.

If you view this from the kid's point of view, there's a lot to be commended from the above post. Any time there's a conflict between two people, it can only be resolved when both sides see the situation from the other person's point of view. I don't think you're giving any credence to her feelings, and they are every bit as legitimate as yours.

Now...

before I go on...

I want to make the disclaimer that I'm NOT a bleeding-heart support-their-self-esteem BS liberal, as there's a lot of folks who are going to stereotype me as soon as I admit that I'm a...

teacher.

And I've dealt with well over a thousand teenagers throughout the past ten years, so I can say that I have a little experience with teenage angst, as well as earning the respect of teenagers. My advice to help deal with this:

1. You'd better love that kid, because if you don't she'll know it. And if you don't love that kid, hit the road, Jack.

2. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't EVER go against your word, otherwise you'll never earn her respect.

3. Watch the body language and the tone. In my classroom, I've said things that would get anybody else fired in about two seconds, but my kids all know that I love 'em because of the WAY that I say it.

4. Never tell a kid what NOT to do. Tell them what they SHOULD do. Without letting them know the correct behavior, you're just confusing the matter. Also, be aware that a lot of psychologists have proven that kids hear "no" words so often, they start tuning them out, like an annoying noise that won't go away. The end result is that when you say something like "Don't hit your sister," what they actually hear is "Hit your sister." "Keep your hands to yourself when your sister annoys you" works infinitely better. I know it sounds very warm and fuzzy, but it's true.

5. On the really bad days, bear in mind that teenagers are going through some SERIOUS hormonal imbalances. In many respects, they're temporarily brain damaged. Literally.

6. LIGHTEN UP, DUDE! I don't know how many times I've gone to answer the rechargeable phone and it's been dead... and I'm not gonna divorce my wife because of it! And your kid eats Cheerios while she has a runny nose? Dang, so do I! Really, if this is the worst you can come up with...

Honestly, I've pulled knives off of gang kids, I deal with stoned students on a daily basis, and I've sat through parent/student/teacher meetings where the kid has spoken to their parents so rudely, I've volunteered to leave the room so that the parent can deal with the kid in a manner that I'm not legally allowed to witness. You're not even close to being in that league.

J

[GuildSF4]

Wow am I the only one who things the kid is way out of line here?

Jake, I am sure most of us would agree the kid is out of line. I think many of the responses are trying to explain and help mend the situation.

[AlamoShooter]

Wow am I the only one who things the kid is way out of line here?

Jake, I am sure most of us would agree the kid is out of line. I think many of the responses are trying to explain and help mend the situation.

+1 with and +++with jkrispies, We figure Chills 1994 is smart =he asked for help. Jake the kid is a kid and could not ask for help on this forum. of course the kid is wrong too.

When I had my kids at home I wish I had gotten help from a forum like this.

I think it is realy cool how many wont to help both Chills and the kid

Jamie

[jkrispies]

Wow am I the only one who things the kid is way out of line here?

Jake, I am sure most of us would agree the kid is out of line. I think many of the responses are trying to explain and help mend the situation.

+1 with and +++with jkrispies, We figure Chills 1994 is smart =he asked for help. Jake the kid is a kid and could not ask for help on this forum. of course the kid is wrong too.

When I had my kids at home I wish I had gotten help from a forum like this.

I think it is realy cool how many wont to help both Chills and the kid

Jamie

Correct.

After I wrote the post, I was worried that it would come across that I didn't feel that the kid was wrong. On the contrary, yelling "I hate you!" at anybody is unacceptable. Having said that, you can't remedy any situation until you figure out what is causing it, as well as understanding that there could be multiple causes as well as mutiple (read: layered) solutions.

Best,

J

[Chills1994]

Hello again everyone,

Thanks for all of the replies, even the ones I don't quite agree with. It was nice to see other people's views on things.

Plus, it broke my paradigm that most gun people will think along similar lines.

Actually, Jkrispies, I was glad that she did yell "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you."

I think such a cathartic response was therapeutic for her.

The "old school" comments still rub me the wrong way. I suppose if my girlfriend was really old school she wouldn't have divorced. Heck, she would have stayed at home to take care of the house and their one child, instead of securing a career for herself. Then none of us would be posting about this topic in the first place.

Anyhoo....my argument is still that it is/was about initiative and being a considerate person.

Hope you all had a good holiday(s).

Chills

[AWLAZS]

What was it she did that was wrong? I dont think I would jump right up and hang the phone back up if it died while I was using it. I don't think any one would. My teenage daughter and my wife leave the phone all over the house. The thing could have died where it sat.

My daughter has only been living with me for 4 years. My new wife and my daughter will have arguements about little things and my wife will over react. I remind her that the child was not raised buy us with our rules and some times needs to be reminded of right thing to to in a non -confrontational manor. jkrispies it it on the head about the NO word.

You would have a tough time at my house. How dou you feel about the empty milk carton going back into the fridge?

"I hate you" That is just steam venting it could be addressed after the heat of the arguement is passed with a heart to heart.

[Jeeper]

It is very understandable if she is having a tough time with the whole situation. Her parents got divorced at a tough age and now her mom is living with someone new. There could also be a ton of other emotional issues that we dont know about (like other boyfriends prior to you and other issues with her father or mother). It is a tough situation and you are really expecting a lot of of someone at a tender age. What have you done to deserve her respect? You cant just jump into her life and expect to be a parent and have the respect of one. Young people should give others respect but your situation isnt an easy one.

[tightloop]

Well, here is the second part of the sermon...

Since I do not know any of the participants, I have to ask, who are the adults in the story...not the young girl...it is the 33 yr old man and the girls mother...

It is very hard to expect a juvenile to act and conduct herself as an adult, but it should be expected from anyone over the legal age of 21, which both the man and woman are..Also, you cannot undo the things which have already been done...like moving into their home, acting as her step father even if you aren't yet, and wanting and sometimes demanding respect which is implicit in your nonverbal communication with her..

The mom is absent from the scene as you describe it, but she should be the active one doing the correcting of the girl, it is her daughter, and she should be smart enough to realize that the daughter isn't going to tolerate any "stranger" giving her requests on how she acts or conducts her life in her own home...

We do not know how many boyfriends there were before you, and if it is even one, the daughter is waiting for the other shoe to fall and you to vanish into thin air...so it can be just she and her mom again...as I said, you have to open communication lines with her and tell her each day that you love her and her mom, you want to earn her respect and that you are here for the duration...

Yes, I think the girl's response was incorrect, but so was yours...You seem to be waiting for some miracle to happen and suddenly the girl to accept you....not likely in the next few years...so you have to be the strong patient one here along with the mother..The mother needs to assume a very active daily role acting at the bridge between you and the daughter. Both of you MUST provide a united front, and be consistent with your love, understanding and the rules....the mom must make the daughter understand that her actions were not what was expected and that the daughter will have to do better concerning logic and common sense and that both of you will try to help her do that...

Again, communication with the daughter is imperative.....she must know from BOTH of you that you are there for the long run, you have a date to marry her mom, and outline what is expected from each member of the family...make no mistake, you MUST act as a family unit, it is not YOU vs the daughter...

Also, understand that even though you are acting as a married couple the mom will take the daughter's side many times against you, or so it will seem, and you must be prepared for that...it is the blood is thicker than water thing...sometimes it will seem that you can do NO right with either of them.....just zip your lip and try again tomorrow...

It may seem that I am unduly down on both you and the mom...well, yes, I guess I am ...It is incumbent on you two, to think this thing thru, and take the needed steps to lay the foundation so the daughter as well as the mom can heal and get past the divorce and finally to accept you as the new husband and step dad...the mom needs a more active role in the situation, there needs to be better communication on all fronts and perhaps the girl and the mom need to get some counseling to help get past the pain of the dad/husband leaving, for whatever reason...I would suggest some Christian counseling in conjunction with whatever church you are going to at this time, but any is preferable to none...

Just my .02 worth, hope it works out for you...

Been there....Done that

Tightloop

[Trisha Lowry]

HI guys, as a single mom I thought I would throw my 2 cents in here. In reading all the responses I think one thing that everyone has forgotten that as a parent we are all different and have differing opinions of what is important for our kids to learn. Meaning, what is important for me and what I consider respectful may be totally different for another parent. I alway say we beat (just kidding!) the things out of our kids that drive us nuts. This is why it is so difficult for blended families because you have two different parenting styles trying to merge. In my house, yea a hot fudge sundae has shown up as dinner with the rest of the meal sometime later in the evening. Some would call me a horrible mom for that but hey....this is my house not yours!

I appreciate that Chills asked for advice but he needs to remember that we are all different on how we raise our kids. That being said....my 17 yr old son has blue hair he is also a straight 'A' high school student taking 6 college credits and working 35 hours a week so that he can pay for his own car insurance....so I guess I am doing ok! Can I get him to pick up his shoes in the living room....sigh..pick your battles!

Bottom line, talk to your kids....they don't read minds anymore than you do!

Edited December 27, 2005 by Trisha Lowry

[Chills1994]

Pardon the Necro-post but I am punching out.

The daughter is bi-polar and back in as an inpatient. Pardon my bilging here, but she is hallucinating, delusional, and paranoid. Not a good combination with guns and reloading supplies in the house. Or kitchen knives for that matter.

My sister died on Nov 30 from cancer. The now X-GF couldn't get it through her head that I am grieving. Instead she thought I was cheating on her. She could have asked, but instead she snooped on my computer.

When my sister was first diagnosed with cancer in the spring of '04, I had two options with an annuity at the time: cash it out or roll it over into an IRA. I decided to cash it out and use some of the money to buy a Sony DVD Handycam. I also bought a headstone for my brother who was killed in '83.

I have been using the Handycam to record birthday's, mother's days, Christmas's, weddings, etc of my sister. I had hoped the whole time that she would survive, but I knew that if she didn't at least I would have all these homemovies of her that I could finally put together in a DVD and give to relatives, especially her kids.

The one rule I had was to NEVER get on my computer. The then GF did and violated my trust.

If she had tinkered with it enough, and the hard drive crashed....well...I don't know how I would have reacted.....

I'll be off the cyberweb for a while as I pack and unpack my stuff.

Thanks for listening

[Pstmstr]

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 5 years with two sons, one 18 and one just turned 17. Their father has never been involved in their life. The 18 year old is responsible, respects others, and is turning into a fine young man. His little brother acts like a punk and from what I hear, was that way long before I came around. We are both counting the days until he's 18, then he can get kicked to the curb and rule the world while he still knows everything. In the meantime, I don't accept any poor behavior beyond the occasional back-talk or I have one simple fix. I go out, put "the club" on his car and leave it on there for week or two. He has found it is easier to act decent around us than it is to walk wherever he needs to go. Someday, he will realize we both love him and want the best for him, until then, he can make choices and live with the consequences. I see a lot of young "punks" out in public that didn't have their rears spanked enough when they were young enough to correct their behavior. As long as they leave me alone, I try to ignore them. Fortunately, there are enough good young people in this world who have been brought up right, to make up for those who have some lessons in life yet to be learned. We all did stupid stuff when we were young, some learn from it and some turn into stupid adults.

Pardon the Necro-post but I am punching out.

The daughter is bi-polar and back in as an inpatient. Pardon my bilging here, but she is hallucinating, delusional, and paranoid. Not a good combination with guns and reloading supplies in the house. Or kitchen knives for that matter.

My sister died on Nov 30 from cancer. The now X-GF couldn't get it through her head that I am grieving. Instead she thought I was cheating on her. She could have asked, but instead she snooped on my computer.

When my sister was first diagnosed with cancer in the spring of '04, I had two options with an annuity at the time: cash it out or roll it over into an IRA. I decided to cash it out and use some of the money to buy a Sony DVD Handycam. I also bought a headstone for my brother who was killed in '83.

I have been using the Handycam to record birthday's, mother's days, Christmas's, weddings, etc of my sister. I had hoped the whole time that she would survive, but I knew that if she didn't at least I would have all these homemovies of her that I could finally put together in a DVD and give to relatives, especially her kids.

The one rule I had was to NEVER get on my computer. The then GF did and violated my trust.

If she had tinkered with it enough, and the hard drive crashed....well...I don't know how I would have reacted.....

I'll be off the cyberweb for a while as I pack and unpack my stuff.

Thanks for listening

[Lee Bell]

You knew the answer before you asked. Yes, you have unreasonable expections of teenager behavior.

That does not mean that you should not help her learn to behave more reasonably, only that you should not expect a teenage to automatically live up to your standards, whatever they may be.

Good luck.

Lee

[BSeevers]

jkrispies and tightloop,

Great posts. Full of information and shows the importance of love, character, honesty, strength, and integrity, the cornerstones of dealing with people, especially parenting.

Edited January 13, 2007 by BSeevers

[tightloop]

It is so very hard to be a parent...even just a half way good one...there are NO books or Cliff Notes on how to do it...but believe it from those of us who have been there...and yes, there are some of us who have had almost the very same circumstances you face now...

You had better have your life in order and be the one with both feet on the ground, each day is a different battle, sometimes each hour brings another conflict...it is so trying, so frustrating, so chaotic that you MUST turn to each other as the adults to help each other manage those times and get thru them together...

Understand that there will be no single glorious victory when it all falls into place, it is the tiny victories, brought about by constant and responsible parentingl, love, devotion and wanting to do the right things that will win over most if not all young adults...at least those who seek to grow up and lead useful lives...it takes years and thoses years seem like decades if not centuries sometimes...

You must continually seek the higher road, because you know it is the right thing to do and you want to do it...constantly show your love and understanding, your maturity, your nurturing side, set the example every time, be constant with your praise no matter how small the issue, try to find the good in each child every time there is conflict, support them every time you can but if you cannot, be certain you have exhausted every possibility then be equally certain that the punishment meets but does not exceed the evilness of the deed...both you and the mom must act as one...each and every time..and for goodness sake, if you love and respect the woman, marry her...that is the start...

Help your kids and your new wife to make good decisions...life is all about recognizing and making the right decisions when faced with options...Lean on others you respect, your parents, steadfast friends, your church, small group friends, you cannot do it all alone..even the best of us needs help and support...

Be steadfast with your love and support, trust in God and let him lead the way...

Again, only the ramblings of an old man,but one who has had some of those same battles you are facing now...sometimes it seems you cannot win, but just like shooting a big match when you zero a stage....don't give up...:-)

Hang in there

TLoop

[raz-0]

I only got about 2/3s of the way thorugh everyone's comments. However, I must say that if the two examples of behavior listed are your source for feeling that kids today have something wrong with them, then you are SEVERELY out of touch. With a 14 year old girl who has had her father leave and has some other guy shacking up with mom, doubly so.

14 year old girls are mean and nasty creatures, ask any woman. If you choose to occupoy their natural habitat, you are going to see them VERY cranky, surly, spiteful, mean, nasty, etc.

If they listen to you about the big stuff, even if they are unpleasant about it, consider them better than most, and that would have applied 9-10 years ago too. Teenage girls were pretty bad when we were teenagers. Teenagers push, always have and alwasy will. It's a hormonal thing. The only thing that has changed is the richness of the pallette with which they have to work and how early they aquire all that info. They just reach maximum annoyance quicker.

SO I gues sina way 5-6 years of maximum annoying IS worse than the 3-4 years of maximum annoying from when we were that age (I'm also 33).

[DanM]

For reference, I'm 36. I can kind of remember some of the things I did then. If it was me, and you were dating my mom you probably would have found yourself on your back with a #2 pencil sliding down your nostril I doubt the little tyke has any good feelings for you and probably lives for every second that she can put the screws to you. Good luck with that one

[Chills1994]

Hence, I'm outta there!

It is interesting to read the replies to a thread I started on another forum. Makes me curious why there is such a difference between there and here.

Clickey this:

http://sigforum.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/320...07608#528107608

Either way, I liked everyone's input. Thanks.

It sucks breaking up and moving out.

[DanM]

Hence, I'm outta there!

It is interesting to read the replies to a thread I started on another forum. Makes me curious why there is such a difference between there and here.

Clickey this:

http://sigforum.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/320...07608#528107608

Either way, I liked everyone's input. Thanks.

It sucks breaking up and moving out.

Sucks to say it but it sounds like pulling the handle was a good idea. As another poster pointed out, that one had jail time written all over it. Hang in there!

[Singlestack]

The one rule I had was to NEVER get on my computer. The then GF did and violated my trust.

Guess what...

Your next GF/Wife will do the same thing. Your rule insures it.

[Flexmoney]

It is interesting to read the replies to a thread I started on another forum. Makes me curious why there is such a difference between there and here.

That's easy. You presented completely different info here...than there.

Good luck. Find the silver lining in this cloud.

[Sam38]

It is interesting to read the replies to a thread I started on another forum. Makes me curious why there is such a difference between there and here.

That's easy. You presented completely different info here...than there.

Good luck. Find the silver lining in this cloud.

+1 on what Flex said.

Also, in the future, I would suggest staying away from divorced (I can't stand the SINGLE MOTHER term) mothers with living at home children as a source of female companionship. It would also be a good idea not to move in with someone until you've married them.

One of the best explanations of stupidiity that I've heard is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result.

-Sam Spiteri

[Chills1994]

Oh yeah, I did represent different info in the different forums.....I mean since I necro-posted this thread.

I suppose I could have started a new thread and then included a link to this "do I have unreasonable......" thread.

Thanks for the advice. Once bitten....uh ah.....never mind.....

[tightloop]

I don't know on which forum you originally posted this question, but there is plenty of great advise on this forum...Suggest you consider your options and make a decision..no use in living a bad dream each day....

[Chills1994]

Hey TL,

It's all past tense now. Zip, gone, outta there, made like a tree....

What did Lott say to his wife?