Aviation Humor

[dajarrel]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which

conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during

the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing

on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the

pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of

humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as

submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance

engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never

had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[SiG Lady]

(Even if these weren't real, they'd still be funny...!)

[TDean]

Oh I think they're real allright! LOL!!

I was one of those mechanics signing off the "gripes" on F14s and P3s a few years ago. Pilots can be real morons every once in a while and we just had to let them know about it.

I remember getting into arguments over worn tires. "The book" said tires were good with a certain amount of tread, but pilots would always write-up that the tires needed to be replaced.

"...P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre...."

I remember a fellow mechanic signing off a f-14 gripe ......

The RIO's gripe read "Brakes pedals in rear seat don't work"

(The Tomcat had pedals in the back seat, but they weren't rudder/brake pedals.)

The mechanic wrote: "removed sphincter from back seat, systems check OK"

[SiG Lady]

LOL...!!

[Garfield]

ROTFLMAO !! This is funny, a great start of my day !!

[Kenpo Joe]

I was at a conference in PA lately and at lunch we were discussing travel and specifically planes. One guy said he got on a plane, it pulled away from the ramp, started down the runway and the pilot shut down the engines. They taxied back to the ramp, the front door opened and after an hour of waiting they took off again. He asked the flight attendant what happened. She replied that the pilot heard a noise in the engine so they went back and got a new pilot.

[blkbrd]

Replaced stick actuator, Ops check good.

[3quartertime]

Airline Maintenance humor. I'm here baby!!! lol

Just had a United 737 sitting on the ramp released and ready to go. The pilot calls and says his ADF isn't working. (ADF=Automatic Direction Finder, basically an AM radio reciever that can point to the signal. In the old days it was a navigation tool, now it's just a back-up that they listen to the radio on.) I run out ( in the pouring rain) and talk to the crew. They say they can't get it to work. It won't pick up the local AM radio station. I switch it to the proper freq. for an ops check and show them it's working fine and that in a storm like this you can expect to not get good radio reception. They continue to whine about the radio station being gone. So I go get another control head and change it out. During this time a huge storm front finally passes over and the sun is poking out again. Come back, install the new part and like magic they get their radio. From my experience when a pilot troubleshoots a problem FROM the cockpit and TELLS you what the problem is, he wants a part changed. So United bought another ADF control head to pacify a moron pilot...

Years ago I was changing a main gear tire on a Southwest plane. I was new on thier paperwork so after the job I called their maintence control. It takes a while to get thru them. Finally he tells me I just need to get the log book and he'll walk me thru the sign off. It was time for morning departures so I run back to grab the log book of the plane. On a 737 the log book is usually behind the captains seat, so I just plan on darting up there and grabbing it. When I get on board the captain is giving his departure speach. I try to tell the co-pilot that I need the log book to sign it off. He acts irritated that I was interupting the captain during his grand speach so I just grab the book and go. After I get done with the sign off I shoot out to replace the log book and find the aircraft gone!!! (FAA rules: aircraft log book on board at all times! ) So I go back and talk to their maintenance control to tell them they had left with out it. The controller tells me it happens all the time, just leave it and they will pick it up next time!!!

Just the tip of the iceberg!!!

[Skywalker]

Not really maintenace related, but shows what's the pilots' attuitude towards ground crew, and how they interact with each other...

I was sitting in a small twin turboprop commercial plane, at the end of the taxiing towards the parking position, and was watching the ground crew marshall, through the cabin windows, directing the pilot towards his stop while the aircraft was turning; then I got a bit puzzled: the marshall was clearly waving one direction, and the plane was going to a different one...

I saw the marshall get pretty upset about it, frantically waving his signs and not getting observed: in the end he made a very clear gesture with the flags, threw them on the ground and left...

Edited March 13, 2006 by Skywalker

[3quartertime]

Not really maintenace related, but shows what's the pilots' attuitude towards ground crew, and how they interact with each other...

I was sitting in a small twin turboprop commercial plane, at the end of the taxiing towards the parking position, and was watching the ground crew marshall, through the cabin windows, directing the pilot towards his stop while the aircraft was turning; then I got a bit puzzled: the marshall was clearly waving one direction, and the plane was going to a different one...

I saw the marshall get pretty upset about it, frantically waving his signs and not getting observed: in the end he made a very clear gesture with the flags, threw them on the ground and left...

That interaction is actually very, very common. It's a release of power issue that pilot types find very difficult to do. Basically when the marshaller raises his/her hand they are taking control of the movements of the aircraft. Period! Many aircraft have been crunched on the ground because a pilot refuses to follow the commands of ground crew.

[Chris Keen]

I once was returning from Florida (to Ohio) after a layover in Atlanta, and we are just about 30 minutes into our cruising altitude, and the pilot says the Artificial Horizon quit working so we are going to turn around and go back to switch planes ........... ???

We flew another 45 minutes BACK to Atlanta, and were on the ground only 15 minutes, before we were shuffled back on to a different plane.

Seemed like alot of malarky for something the pilot said was only a backup instrument.

[standles]

We were waiting on a flight to board at ATL. The announcement came that there would be a slight delay due to a maint. issue.

The plane was at the terminal and within full view of a window of agitated passengers.

A lift drives out... Ascends into the air..... and inspects what looks like a small tear or gouge in the vertical tail skin.

He calls on a walki-talki to someone then rumages around in his bag.

Out comes the DUCT TAPE AND HE PUTS SOME OVER THE HOLE.

The the announcement 5 mins later. Delta flight XXXX is now boarding .....

They had alot of empty seats on that flight LOL!

Edited March 24, 2006 by standles

[outerlimits]

was flying outta o'hare a few years ago and the plane taxis out to a far part of the airport and sits there, for a long time. i switched on the radio to listen to the pilots and find out they are burning off some fuel-guess that's somewhat common. in any case, i hear one of the pilots say something to the effect, "i hope we have enuf to get to sacramento". needless to say, it was not a fun flight.

[Chris Keen]

I don't know if anybody else saw this, but I just got done reading an e-mail blast from Brownells. At the end of the email, was this hilarious list of airline maintenance log book requests and the solutions to each.

I like a good laugh as much as the next guy, but I had to stop reading midway through this list, because I was in tears & it hurt to keep reading .................... (you've been warned!)

Just Jawin' - March 2006

AIRLINE LAUGHS

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.

Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs!!

After every flight, Qantas Australia pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

http://www.brownells.com/aspx/NS/GunTech/N...x?p=0&t=1&i=671

[AikiDale]

Just a friendly reminder Krispy, you gonna get flamed

From 2003.

[Chris Keen]

WHAT ......... ME SEARCH ??? :P

I should have know ...... but I couldnt see the search function through all the tears!

[3quartertime]

Merged all the airline/aircraft maintenance stuff here...

I once was returning from Florida (to Ohio) after a layover in Atlanta, and we are just about 30 minutes into our cruising altitude, and the pilot says the Artificial Horizon quit working so we are going to turn around and go back to switch planes ........... ???

We flew another 45 minutes BACK to Atlanta, and were on the ground only 15 minutes, before we were shuffled back on to a different plane.

Seemed like alot of malarky for something the pilot said was only a backup instrument.

The instrument the pilot called the " artificial horizon" is actually called the ADI=attitude deviation indicator. It's a PRIMARY flight instrument that displays a graphic representation of the ground and the aircraft's relationship to it. The pilot was probably down-playing the severity of the problem incase the mech's were able to fix it quickly. There are three completely independant ADI systems on every commercial aircraft for safety.

Out comes the DUCT TAPE AND HE PUTS SOME OVER THE HOLE.

The the announcement 5 mins later. Delta flight XXXX is now boarding .....

They had alot of empty seats on that flight LOL!

The tape looked like duct tape from a distance, but it is actually made of aluminum and is completely legal to use for small temporary repairs. If applied correctly it sticks so well and is so durable that it can be very difficult to remove!

was flying outta o'hare a few years ago and the plane taxis out to a far part of the airport and sits there, for a long time. i switched on the radio to listen to the pilots and find out they are burning off some fuel-guess that's somewhat common. in any case, i hear one of the pilots say something to the effect, "i hope we have enuf to get to sacramento". needless to say, it was not a fun flight.

The crew knows exactly how much fuel is on board and how much it takes to get there. Burning fuel on the ramp is caused because too much luggage is loaded on and the aircraft is too heavy for take-off. Jet fuel is very expensive so they only do it if absolutely necessary.

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.

Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs!!

While this statement is obviously a joke and I doubt anyone here would take the allegation serious it should be noted that;

It is absolutely false that it takes a college degree to fly an airplane. It takes a federal license and lots and lots of flight hours in the craft you want to fly. If you won the lottery, and it would cost almost that much!, you could pay for enough instruction and flight time to be certified to fly a Boeing 747. The vast majority of commercial pilots are college grads, but it is not required.

It is possible to work on commercial aircraft with only a high school diploma. You would need to work as an unlicensed mechanic for a number of years. Then petition the FAA with documented work history to obtain the federal license required to work as a licensed mechanic. Or work as a mech in the military and test out. Again the vast majority of commercial aircraft mechanics have a minimum of a two year college degree. A training record full of recurent systems classes and years of hands on experience.

Sorry to drift from the humor. As an industry insider I've heard these tales many times over the years, they are pretty funny but probably not true.

The truth is that the days of the grungy mechanic with the wrench stuck in his back pocket bumbling around an aircraft are over. Commercial aircraft design has basically turned the stick-n-rudder pilots of yesterday into the systems monitors of today. Digital electronics fly todays commercial aircraft. And it flys the aircraft safer and more efficiently than any human could ever try. In fact a large percentage of mistakes and accidents happen when a pilot attempts to turn off one of the automatic systems and 'take control'.

Certainly I'm biased towards the maintenance side of the industry, but I don't want to discount any pilots and thier skills. We all have a job to do. There is a reason why air travel is considered the safest mode of transportation and it has nothing to do with pilot VS mechanic issues. Flying is safe because aircraft design technology has eliminated a good percentage of the potential problems before they happen...

Now back to the good stuff,,,

The Jokes!!!