The Theory of the Dumb Ass Gene

[Forensics Doc]

First, a disclaimer: I am not a geneticist by profession; I have no training in Mendelian genetics nor do I work with DNA except to send it off to the FBI for analysis. Still, some of the greatest advances in science were initially developed by those who had no training in that particular field but who, simply by gathering empirical evidence, formulated theories that were later proven correct using the scientific method. The following theory is mine and mine alone and I am confident that in time it will be proven correct.

The Human Genome Project is now complete, having taken 13 years to map 20,000-25,000 sets of genes in human DNA as well as the sequences of about 3 billion chemical base pairs that make up human DNA. Still, I am convinced that one gene was missed. I think it is only fitting that this gene is called the Dumb Ass Gene.

You see, working in a morgue is interesting work, and just about the time you think you've seen it all you realize you're not even close. Take for example the gangbanger who, wanting to impress his 'ho du jour, chambered a round, dropped the magazine, and then pulled the trigger, not quite remembering that it was his LAST gun that had the magazine disconnect, not this one. Or Bubba who, in an alcohol-fueled afternoon of fun, swings out over the water on a rope and lets go, not quite remembering that the South is in the midst of a severe drought and that the old swimming hole that used to be ten feet deep is now about 18 inches in depth. Or the two guys who made a bet that a bulletproof vest would stop a knife. So one of them put it on and the other one stabbed him in the chest to see if it was so. There's a reason the label doesn't say "Knifeproof." The list goes on and on and on.

As a result of seeing incredible acts of stupidity that subsequently resulted in death, I have formulated the Theory of the Dumb Ass Gene. It goes something like this:

Having seen these incredibly stupid ways some folks find to kill themselves and seeing them increase in frequency over the years, I'm convinced that the Dumb Ass Gene is a dominant gene, not a recessive one. And because it is a dominant gene, it has found ways to perpetuate itself in the population, thus ensuring its survival. In ways that we don't yet understand, the Dumb Ass Gene somehow knows when the person in whom it resides is about to do something so incredibly stupid that it will result in his (if male) demise. Knowing this and knowing that the Dumb Ass Gene needs to be passed along to the next generation, the Dumb Ass Gene somehow signals to the person that it is time to impregnate his girlfriend/wife/significant other, thus ensuring its survival. Often this occurs long before the person actually dies, ensuring it resides in as many progeny as possible. Occasionally, impregnation occurs shortly before death, but in all cases the Dumb Ass Gene is passed along and never dies with the person.

If female, the Dumb Ass Gene ensures that birth has occurred prior to her doing something incredibly dumb that will result in death. More often than not, multiple births occur, thus ensuring a better chance of the Dumb Ass Gene surviving to the next generation.

Think about it. Although there are numerous exceptions, don't the dumbest people usually produce dumb kids, and lots of them? And don't candidates for MENSA usually produce few if any kids?

To me, the evidence is clear. The Dumb Ass Gene rules.

[AikiDale]

This is why we have the Darwin awards. Without the Dumb Ass Gene there would be no need.

[GentlemanJim]

I too have pondered this phenomonon

But am not sure its genetic...I grew up in Los Alamos N.M. among the highest population of intelligent and educated people in the world.

Even so...the offspring of some very good and intelligent folks, turn to crap.

By the same token, I have seen the WORST parents possible...whose children have done very well.

It may be as simple as the culture that a person adopts for him or her self.

If one comes from a family that values education, responsibility and success..it is likely the children will attain them.

If a person comes from a family that does not have this cultural set of values...the children have little chance of success

It is a fact that responsible parents will only have as many children as they can properly support...and educate!!

And that folks that take no responsibility for said,....usually have MANY children ...leaving the responsiblity to others.

It is alarming...but the most productive, intelegent and responsible people (via culture) have a birth rate in steady decline.

where also the least productive and most irresponsible of people have the highest birth rates .

Without some kind of drastic cultural change this does not imply a bright future.

Jim

[frenchwrench]

In forensics, have you noticed the Plexiglass belly button usually denotes the owner has the dumbass gene?

[J-Ho]

I think your theory was examined in the movie 'Idiocracy'. Don't expect a great movie, but it's entertaining if you have a couple of hours to kill.

[jhgtyre]

I think there may be a viral component to the dumbass gene. The virus spreads at monster truck rallies, wrestle-mania events and Britney Spear's house. Once contaminated the virus causes a genetic mutation that results in the afflicted saying things like "Hey ya'll watch this!" or "hold my beer, I wanna' try something." Unfortunately there isn't likely to be a cure since the afflicted mate either before the effects of the mutation are fully realized, as noted by Forensics Doc, or they mate with other mutated individuals. Usually the offspring can be spotted on episodes of Cops or working as human sign posts at busy intersections.

-ld

[Ron Ankeny]

Many years ago we had an "interesting" death scene here in the cowboy state. The deceased was practicing quick draw in front of the mirror. According to the witness, the guy blew the make believe smoke from the barrel, then he tilted his cowboy hat back on his head with the barrel of the gun...ka-pow. Obviously, another case of the dumb ass gene.

[boz1911]

Rick, you have too much time on your hands...........but sadly.......it's all true.

[SiG Lady]

"Usually the offspring can be spotted on episodes of Cops or working as human sign posts at busy intersections."

Bwahahaha...!!!! Or sometimes on World's Funniest Videos.

[ima45dv8]

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

The good doctor and I have discussed this and other very entertaining ideas while covering many miles to many matches. In all fairness, he has withheld certain vital details of the DumbAss Gene (DAG) Theory.

• When he states that the DumbAss in question usually manages to, "impregnate his girlfriend/wife/significant other", he omits that (if necessary) that significant other MAY in fact be a relation-by-birth if the gene feels enough pressure to complete the life-sustaining cycle in the shortest time possible. There are no known indicators at this time.
  
• Likewise, this entire phenomenom is by no means restricted to what is commonly referred to as "The South" (although some of the finest examples may be found here). Much as Jeff Foxworthy has observed through his own scholarly studies on the subject, there is no geographic dependency for occurence.
  
• FDoc also failed to mentioned that while the gene is capable of incredible feats as a stand-alone entity, it enters a state of hyper-activity when combined with alcohol. Studies are underway to determine if alcohol may indeed play an even greater role as a carrier, or transmission medium, for the DAG.
  

The evidence of the DumbAss Gene Theory is lwhy I lost any enthusiasm for those Darwin Award List emails we all receive. Without this gene, those individuals would have ceased to exist long ago and there would be no need to record their spectacular methods of exiting the world.

[el pres]

I think there may be a viral component to the dumbass gene. The virus spreads at monster truck rallies, wrestle-mania events and Britney Spear's house. Once contaminated the virus causes a genetic mutation that results in the afflicted saying things like "Hey ya'll watch this!" or "hold my beer, I wanna' try something." Unfortunately there isn't likely to be a cure since the afflicted mate either before the effects of the mutation are fully realized, as noted by Forensics Doc, or they mate with other mutated individuals. Usually the offspring can be spotted on episodes of Cops or working as human sign posts at busy intersections.

-ld

There was a memo released to Whitehouse and Gov. staff, aides, etc.. about this !!!

Acually it was something like TB at Monster T and NASCAR events... Yikes!

I know that Firemen and Police also know about this gene !!!! Something about SavingStupid....

Edited February 5, 2008 by DIRTY CHAMBER