Which is Harder - Overcoming Gobbling or Making GM?

[Esther]

Jon - Not yet, but I will!

diehli - Cool, you shoot an XDM too? Darn, I like the grip tape a lot.

Last night, I mega uber gobbled. I came home late at night exhausted from work and gobbled everything in sight. (And then I dreamed about vampires who were fattening me up to eat me...)

I've seen therapists. I've kept food journals. I've banned gobble food from the house. I've tried being kind to myself. (That works.) I've reached out to friends. (That helps too.) I've worked on mindfulness, which, as far as I can tell, just means paying attention. (That helps when I can do it.)

I've gone off sugar and gluten. (That also helps when I do it.) I've gone to Overeaters Anonymous groups. (They help a lot of people, but I find the slavish following of 12 Steps irritating. I also hate the philosophy that once you are an addict, you are always an addict.*)

Sometimes I feel like the woman in the gospel who spent everything she had, and was no better.

* Maybe this is a semantic distinction, but it's important to me to feel like I am not at core an addict. Gobbling is and has been a big part of my life for a third of my life so far, but I don't want to control an addiction forever. I want to be healed. Normal.

It's been a really busy week and I've barely had time to touch my gun - let alone to drive to San Jose and fill out the paperwork for my new one! - but I joined USPSA! (Thanks Jon and David (56hawk) for prodding me.)

Edited March 6, 2013 by Esther

[56hawk]

It's been a really busy week and I've barely had time to touch my gun - let alone to drive to San Jose and fill out the paperwork for my new one! - but I joined USPSA! (Thanks Jon and David (56hawk) for prodding me.)

Thanks for joining.

[toothguy]

Esther, one of the Ladies I work with has lost about 20lbs on the Atkins diet and she feels great. She said it works for her because she can eat all the time. She eats lots of protein and fat but no carbs. The carbs (sugar) are a signal to the body to store fat, without the sugar the body will go into a fat burning mode. Giving up bread was the only problem she had with the diet. I saw that you gave up sugar so I thought I would pass that on.

Edited March 6, 2013 by toothguy

[digby7]

nice looking gun Esther - ive felt some pretty ridiculous trigger jobs on XDM's

[Esther]

toothguy - Thanks for the suggestion! Diabetics are actually supposed to follow something similar to the Atkins diet - low simple carbs, high protein, lots of veggies and water.

Alex - Thanks!

A lot of people have some kind of ache that follows them throughout their lives. Some people want to be in a romantic relationship, but aren't; others want children, but can't. Some have chronic illnesses or a child with Down's Syndrome.

My recurring ache is to do great work that I love.*

I've bounced a lot from one kind of work to another. I studied Neuroscience in college. Then I worked at Google. Then I left to freelance as a makeup artist because I thought I wanted to do makeup for models and celebrities on the covers of Vogue. (But that world is full of shallowness, materialism, and celebrity worship that I find nauseating...) Along the way, I tutored high school students in every subject except Spanish. Then I applied to business school because I thought I should do something. That turned out to be a bad idea.

I love working. I want to do great work. I just don't know what it is yet.

Closely related to that is the ache of being an artist. From what I've read and seen, I think that almost all artists struggle with this to some degree, at least until they are "successful." It's a funny blend of determination, loneliness, optimism, and "oh shit I'm f*#ked" / "I suck."

I had thought that the root cause of gobbling was pursuing a path that I didn't truly want (medicine, then business) to earn the approval of my parents and the larger society, but it seems that was only part of it.

Maybe (probably, almost certainly) this emptiness/fear/uncertainty/longing is what I have to learn to live with and work in spite of. And at the very least not gobble about.

There are a few quotes that I think of, sometimes, when I feel this way (which is often ):

"Your twenties are always an apprenticeship, but you don't always know what for." (Jan Houtema)

"Like many people [in my twenties], I spent a lot of time worrying about what I should do. I also spent some time trying to build stuff. I should have spent less time worrying and more time building. If you're not sure what to do, make something." (Paul Graham)

"Sometimes jumping from one sort of work to another is a sign of energy, and sometimes it's a sign of laziness. Are you dropping out, or boldly carving a new path? You often can't tell yourself. Plenty of people who will later do great things seem like disappointments early on, when they're trying to find their niche." (Paul Graham)

I hope he's right. And of course, I might not live long enough to do great things/drop 15 pounds/fix diabetes/find my niche, so I have to relax and enjoy right now.

* I don't think that my ache is worse than anyone else's. (My best friend, for example, is 48 and often tells me that I have everything she ever wanted: the love of a good man and the chance to have my own family.) But it's mine, so I feel it much more acutely.

Edited March 7, 2013 by Esther

[GuildSF4]

I believe my wife is a awesome artist, she thinks not... I believe this is because most people are harder on themselves about things like this, they see their mistakes more clearly than another person when it comes to something like this. (Not good or bad, just is.)

Another diet to consider is the Zone diet, the books are a very good read and explains a lot about our bodies use of food.

I can understand the work thing, finding out what you want to do can be hard for many people. I told one of my friends before, 'there is not enough money in the world to for me to do a job I don't like for a long period of time' (I may do it for a few years, but at some point I will get frustrated and change jobs). (I have found this to be true even if it is work you are good at and the work environment is bad.)

[Esther]

GuildSF4 - Thanks for understanding, Steve! What kind of art does your wife do?

Tonight's shooting-related thankful items:

2) Alex letting me shoot his singlestack for my first Richmond competition because my XDM won't be ready in time

3) ordering a Blade Tech holster and 2 spare mags for my XDM.

I've been practicing with my par timer and am frustrated that my draws and reloads are so slow compared to where I want them. But Brandon (RangeJunkie) and lots of other shooters are telling me to nail down form and fundamentals, and the speed will come in time.

[lumpygravy]

2) Alex letting me shoot his singlestack for my first Richmond competition because my XDM won't be ready in time

Yeah that thing will shoot a lot softer than my SS running 175+PF ammo and it'll give you two extra rounds.

Check the fit of his gun in the loaner holster. I don't remember if his gun has a rail or not. If it has a rail, you'll probably have to borrow a holster from him too.

3) ordering a Blade Tech holster and 2 spare mags for my XDM.

Good stuff E-

[GuildSF4]

Painting, drawing, and computer graphics.

[TJ1911]

E-

I can appreciate your desire to do great work that you truly love; what I am coming to realize is that sometimes that "work" is not necessarily the same thing you do to earn a living. I've come to believe that not everyone gets to "pursue their passion" relative to their day-to-day work, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. Someone needs to deliver the mail, fix the leaky pipes, process payroll, etc.

In my own life, I see the difference. I have enjoyed (most of) what I have done in my career, but I see it more now as a way to earn a good living, and that is OK. My wife, on the other hand, has a calling (teaching); my friend Tina cannot imagine being anything besides a film editor (and after 17 years at it, her efforts are starting to pay off).

I think there is a lot of potential for creativity in the non-work aspects of our life-in your case, your writing, for example. I think I mentioned to you that I appreciate having something creative in my life just for me-performing creative work for pay almost always entails some form of compromise and/or collaboration. That's neither "good" or "bad" (although a lot of artistic people disagree and tie themselves in knots over this); it's just the way of the world.

Take care-ttyl8r

[Esther]

Jon - Alex said I can borrow his rig if it fits. I hope I still love my XDM just as much after trying his Limcat singlestack.

Tim - I agree that the work one loves is not always what one does for a living, and that the two coincide or diverge to different extents for different people.

Paul Graham influenced me a lot in seeing work as making some original contribution to the world, and in the process not starve. But figuring out what that work is (and not starving in the meantime) is still tricky!

...not everyone gets to "pursue their passion" relative to their day-to-day work, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. Someone needs to deliver the mail, fix the leaky pipes, process payroll, etc.

Yes. Which is why it is so absurd when job interviewers expect candidates to sound passionate about those jobs.

I think I mentioned to you that I appreciate having something creative in my life just for me-performing creative work for pay almost always entails some form of compromise and/or collaboration.

I remember you saying that and resonating with it.

Edited March 9, 2013 by Esther

[The Antichrome]

Esther, I'm not a shooting coach. I'm not a doctor, nutritionist, or any sort of health expert.

I am however, a Type 1 Diabetic, fully dependant on injected insulin.

My advice is to get your blood sugar levels correct and keep them that way.

In fact, get your bgl perfect. When your sugar is low, or high, or changing rapidly, you'lI craaaave food, esp simple carbs.

Over this winter, I worked my ass off to maintain perfect blood sugar levels.

Instead of gaining the usual 15 lbs of holiday weight, I lost 30 lbs and 4" of waistline.

[Esther]

The Antichrome - Thanks for the advice! I'm working really hard at it.

Tonight's shooting-related thankful item:

3) going to Metal Dog Tactical to fill out my paperwork and pay the sales tax on my new gun!!!!

Edited March 10, 2013 by Esther

[Esther]

Richard Hamming says that when he chose to work at Bell Labs over the airplane companies, he was bothered that Bell Labs wouldn't give him the army of programming people that the airplane companies would. But then he asked whether he could make computers write programs that humans used to do. And so what appeared initially as a defect forced Hamming to make a great advance in automatic programming.

I often wonder if a similar dynamic is at work in what I think of as the limiting factors in my life.

Gobbling, obviously. (But maybe this struggle is enabling me to do and be things that I couldn't/wouldn't otherwise.)

With shooting, sometimes I envy Brooke (who gets to train with her husband Dave Sevigny*), Mandi (who trains and competes with Bill Seevers and Steve Anderson), and Tori Nonaka (whose dad started her shooting when she was 3).

I have to remind myself that Dave didn't have World Champion Dave Sevigny coaching and training him. Steve Anderson didn't have his own dry-fire books. Brian and Rob figured it out from scratch. Lots of great shooters were poor/worked full-time/didn't have lots of outside instruction.

Shooting-related thankful items for yesterday:

5) Alex emailing to ask if I want to shoot with him at Jackson and sight in his Limcat SS (of course I said yes! :-))

6) Donovan telling me about his dry-fire practice style. (Donovan got really good on limited resources like I want to, so it was helpful to hear that he practices more or less how I do. :-))

And for today so far:

1) Tim sending me a really nice email saying that he enjoys following my range diary (To those of you who have posted and sent me PMs and emails, thank you!! Your words and stories mean a lot! )

* Obviously, I am happily married to Max and don't wish (even a little bit) that he were a GM! That would be like him wishing I were a top law professor so I could give him advice!

Edited March 12, 2013 by Esther

[Chris Keen]

My recurring ache is to do great work that I love.*

I've bounced a lot from one kind of work to another. I studied Neuroscience in college. Then I worked at Google. Then I left to freelance as a makeup artist because I thought I wanted to do makeup for models and celebrities on the covers of Vogue. (But that world is full of shallowness, materialism, and celebrity worship that I find nauseating...) Along the way, I tutored high school students in every subject except Spanish. Then I applied to business school because I thought I should do something. That turned out to be a bad idea.

I love working. I want to do great work. I just don't know what it is yet.

[snip]

* I don't think that my ache is worse than anyone else's. (My best friend, for example, is 48 and often tells me that I have everything she ever wanted: the love of a good man and the chance to have my own family.) But it's mine, so I feel it much more acutely.

E-

Don't feel bad about work. Who knows what we're really destined to do in this world? Some people aspire to greatness, always striving to get ahead, yet are never satisfied. Some go to work M-F 8-5 and never really amount to much, but are content in their daily life and find that to be enough to satisfy them.

Me ... I tend to be the later of the two. I work as a service technician in electronics: Installing, testing, & repairing security alarms, detection systems, fire alarm systems, surveillance, & access control, while specializing in Commercial & Industrial Fire Protection. And I've done this for over 22 years now. I love my job, because I'm not stuck in an office, the work is always challenging, yet different every day, and at the end of the day I feel like I'm helping people avoid probable injury, death, and/or property damage/loss from fire. The hard part is this type of work is alot like selling "insurance", because if everything works as it's supposed to, then there is generally no damage or injuries to report. Kind of a "No news is good news" kind of day!

I am certainly a Type A personality when it comes to hobbies. But as far as work goes, I am content to do my daily "good deeds" and go home. I used to want to be a LEO when I was a kid, and at some stage I also wanted to be a Firefighter, or other first responder. But after seeing some of the behind the scenes kind of stuff I quickly changed my mind. I'm happy to do the rather boring & mundane things in life (although I don't think I could ever handle an office or factory job).

So at the end of the day I'm happy to have "Nothing to Report", and an uneventful day is usually what I'm most thankful for.

Edited March 12, 2013 by Chris Keen

[Esther]

Chris - Thanks for sharing. You're lucky to find contentment in your daily life and work. I have a lot to learn from you!

Occasionally one comes across a book or an idea that causes one to consider things from a different perspective. With eating, Jane Hirschmann and Carol Munter's work helped me to see gobbling not as a problem of willpower (I have lots of willpower in every other aspect of my life!), but as an inability to sit with one's feelings and address them in their own language. They talk a lot about nurturing and acceptance and reconnecting food with biological, or "stomach," hunger.

Susan Bordo's book, Unbearable Weight, also influenced me tremendously. She writes that bodies have meaning, that the fact that so many people (especially women) struggle with their bodies and appetites reveals important truths about our culture. She helped me to see that thinness is not just an arbitrary cultural ideal but signifies lots of things - class, "masculine" virtues, the triumph of mind and will over flesh...

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about the spiritual aspect of my relationship to food. I'd approached it from that angle before - going to Confession and praying for healing.

But what made me revisit that angle was consulting a new specialist. She said I'm doing all the right things, which is both encouraging and discouraging. (Encouraging that I'm on the right track; discouraging that she doesn't have a magic bullet that I've overlooked.)

She suggested I get new hobbies. That didn't resonate (though joining a book club or watching TV might help a little), but what interested me was why. Why didn't I want more hobbies?

I realized that one of the major drivers of gobbling is a sense of meaninglessness. I really want to maintain an inner awareness, a sense of my life as coming from and living in God.*

I really want it and I suck at it. What I need isn't more activities, but more perspective.

I'm going back and re-reading Thomas Merton and some of the Desert Fathers, as well as some contemporary authors. I have a few ideas I want to try.

Yesterday's shooting-related thankful items:

6) going to Jackson Arms with Alex. It's dark and dirty and not as nice as Reed's, but I got to try Alex's Limcat singlestack.

7) Alex selling me his leftover 9mm ammo from last year's Nationals.

*I think that if I had that perspective, my temporary desultoriness would bother me a lot less.

Edited March 14, 2013 by Esther

[digby7]

esther - there is no magic bullet - just lots of hard work. Check out the book outliers when you have a chance - i think you'd like it.

I had a coach once that told me something so simple but so true. I think i was sparring in a muay thai class and not doing well - and he looked at me and just said "nothing happens overnight" - i thought about it for a while and he was very right - I remember it now, when i'm feeling particularly discouraged about something.

[lumpygravy]

Yesterday's shooting-related thankful items:

6) going to Jackson Arms with Alex. It's dark and dirty and not as nice as Reed's, but I got to try Alex's Limcat singlestack.

7) Alex selling me his leftover 9mm ammo from last year's Nationals.

A loaner gun and ammo - sounds like you're all set for this weekend!

Can't wait to see your XDM. What's the ETA?

[Esther]

Alex - Thanks for the wise advice and book recommendation!

Jon - Yup! My XDM will be ready for pickup on Tuesday, but I probably won't be able to able to get it until later in the week. I'm not shooting the match tomorrow, but I will be shooting the first match in April!

Shooting-related thankful items:

1) taking the Richmond Intro to IPSC class. Now I can shoot matches there! I asked Bill (Chief RO and teacher of the class) to take a look at my grip and see if my support wrist was canted downward enough. He thought that my usual grip was just fine and, because my hands aren't that big, any further rotation would result in too big of a gap between the heels of my hands.

2) seeing Jon, Kevin, Manuel, and Jessica at Richmond. And making a new friend, Rogers, who let me try his Limited gun and videoed me shooting the practice stage. My DTOM shirt looks so cool from the back! :-)

Edited March 18, 2013 by Esther

[DonovanM]

Is your trigger finger sore yet?

[GuildSF4]

I have a laser engraved ejection port cover on my AR that says that. I like the shirt too.

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-tread-Engraved-Ejection-Cover/dp/B00619YP32/ref=sr_1_1?s=sporting-goods&ie=UTF8&qid=1363480834&sr=1-1&keywords=ar+15+don%27t+tread+on+me

[lumpygravy]

Looked like you were having fun today.

Keepup with the accuracy and the enthusiasm.

The rest will take care itself.

Hollar the next time you're headed to the range.

Edited March 17, 2013 by lumpygravy

[RangeJunkie]

Keep working, it's really awesome seeing it all come along. Lots of great suggestions for sure!

[Esther]

Donovan - I saw your post and dry-fired some perfect trigger presses right away!

GuildSF4 - Cool!

Jon - Will do.

RangeJunkie - Thanks, Brandon!

I've been thinking a lot about my support hand grip. I've been experimenting with different degrees of canting downward and forward (all of this is at home so I haven't been able to test out the effects in live fire). At Andy's suggestion, I checked out the videos of some top shooters, and at Pat's suggestion, I worked on getting my support hand as high and contacting the gun as much as possible.

Here is how my grip looks after today's experimenting. How does that look to you guys?

Edited March 18, 2013 by Esther

[toothguy]

Edited March 18, 2013 by toothguy