Merlin Orr Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 OK...THat was the first post without.."bar"... Time for a theme change? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChuckS Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 A man walks into a bar with a frog growing out of his ear. "When did you first notice it?" the bartender asked. "It started as a wart said the frog. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AikiDale Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...... "You idiot!" You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChuckS Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 A little guy is sitting at the bar, just staring into his drink when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down. The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on, man. I was just giving you a hard time," the trucker said, adding, "Let me buy you a drink because I can't stand to see a man cry." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot I discovered my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home, but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So, I came to the bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the darn poison." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Modoc Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Dang it Aki, you beat me to the post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AikiDale Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Dang it Aki, you beat me to the post Sorry Modoc, but there is always another bar joke: A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Modoc Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Aiki, I give up we're 2 for 2 My repetoir is now empty , Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AikiDale Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Aiki, I give up we're 2 for 2 My repetoir is now empty , Well, you can listen to bar jokes for more than 50 years and catch up, or, if you are a gamer, get a copy of this for your edification: A guy walks into a bar... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AikiDale Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?" The duck says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!" The duck hops off the stool and waddles out. The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!" The duck hops off the stool and waddles out. The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!" With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out. The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?" The bartender, puzzled, said no. The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AikiDale Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRUBL Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 (edited) So this drunk is at the bar with his friends. And he pukes all over his shirt. he says " Oh no, now my wife is really gonna be mad, not only am I drunk, but I made mess of myself" His friend says "hey, take some money, and put it in your pocket. When you get get home and your wife starts naggin, just say, honey, I was at the bar and this drunk bumped into me, puked all over my shirt. He was soooo embarased that he offered to pay for the shirt and pull out the money.....she'll be cool to that. Later that evening, he finally decides to head home. Sooo....he gets home, and sure enough, his wife is right there at the door. She goes on "You sorry old drunk, out to all hours of the night, drinking, so nasty and you even puked all over yourself!!" He comes back " No honey, I was at the bar, but this drunk bumped into me, and puked all over my shirt, but he offered to pay to have it cleaned, infact the money is right here in my shirt pocket, a 20 dollar bill!" She pulls out the money out of his pocket "Why, there's not $20 here" she claims "There's $40.00 here" "OOPS" he says "Thats right, he crapped in my pants too" Edited March 4, 2008 by TRUBL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Tuley Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Rene Descarte was hanging out a bar one night. The bartender came over to him and said "Hey, Rene ... it's closing time. You want one for the road?" M. Descarte looked at the bartender and said, "I think not--" and POOF! He disappeared! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grandbagger Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing. Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath. In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chirpy Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Guy walks into a bar a sits down and orders 2 shots...chugs one and pours the other over his hand. The bartender comes over and wipes up the bar and the guy says do it again...downs one and pours the other over his hand. This goes on for several minutes and the bartender is getting pissed. He asks the guy what's going on. The guy says just trying to get my date drunk! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AikiDale Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 A man was walking into a rather seedy bar when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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