ChuckS deserves this one

[ChuckS]

A limbo dancer walked into a bar.

...He lost.

[Merlin Orr]

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

[ChuckS]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks,

"Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of

fact we have a new drink, invented by

a gynecologist patron of ours.

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"

The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."

[Merlin Orr]

A man walks into a bar, and behind the bar there's a foot tall guy playing a miniature piano. He asks, "Where'd you get that guy?", and the bartender says, "I've got this magic lamp, I rub it, and out comes a genie who grants wishes." The guy asks if he can try it, the bartender shrugs, the guy rubs the lamp, poof, a genie. "Your wish is my command" thunders the genie. "I wish for a million bucks!" the man says. All of a sudden thousands upon thousands of waterfowl flood the bar, quacking like mad. "What the f*#k?!?" The bartender says, "Didn't think I asked for a twelve inch pianist, did you?"

[ChuckS]

Guy walks into a bar and yells, "All lawyers are A-holes" Man at the end of the bar says" I am offended by that remark". Guy says "Why, are you a lawyer?" Man says "No, I'm an A-hole"

[Merlin Orr]

An Irishman walks OUT of a bar.

[ChuckS]

So, Thomas Edisonn walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Okay, I'll serve you a beer, just don't get any ideas."

[Merlin Orr]

Underage

These three underage girls (blonde, brunette and redhead) walk into a bar.

A cop walks in and recongizes them and knows they were all underage. As he approached the girls, they all bolted.

They ran into an alley where there were three trash bags. With the cop coming, they quickly hid in the bags. The officer comes looking and kicks the first bag (where the brunette was) and she says "meow" and the officer says "oh it's just a stupid cat".

Then he kicks the next bag (where the redhead girl was) and she says "woof woof" and the officer says "it's only a stupid alley dog".

Then he kicks the last bag (where the blonde is hiding) and she says "potato's potato's."

[ChuckS]

So, Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Okay, I'll serve you a beer, what kind?"

TE says "I'll have a light"

[Merlin Orr]

Golden Bar

A man walks into a bar..

Everything in this bar is golden!

Golden carpets, golden shotglasses, golden beermats......

After one too many drinks he stumbles into what he thinks is the toilet and theres even a golden urinal!!

The man goes home and tells his wife about this place and she isnt convinced, so in the morning she fones the bar and says, "Is every thing in your bar golden..? Golden carpets, golden shotglasses, golden beermats???"

"Yes" ansers the bartender..

"What about a golden urinal????"

"Hold on" says the bartender....

"Eddie.. I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxafone!!!!!!!".

[Chris Keen]

Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain walk into a bar ...

As they walk in, Hillary spots her husband sitting and drinking. She also spots a suitcase. She opens it and finds 2 beer cans and 1000 dollars. She asks her husband, why he had those beer cans and 1000 dollars. Bill Clinton says that the beer cans represent how many times he cheated on her. Hillary thinks that's okay since its only 2 times, so she asks what the 1000 dollars are for. Bill replies, "hey, i couldn't carry that many beer cans so i had to cash them in!"

[AikiDale]

A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says "we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him "WE don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings". The bear, very angry now, says "if you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender, once again says " sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana that are on drugs." The bear says I'm not on drugs. The bar tender says yes you are, that was a barbitchyouate

[Merlin Orr]

The Regular

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."

[AikiDale]

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he

announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy

weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him from all around,

and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to

sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say,

you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds

at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Ten pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He

already weighed 20 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star,

wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and

proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[grandbagger]

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

[quigibo]

A man walks into a bar in Kansas City. He sees they have the Chief's game on TV so he sits down, orders a beer and starts watching the game. After a few minutes the Chiefs kick a field goal and everyone in the bar cheers... and then the bar goes dead quiet. A small dog that has been sitting at the bartender's feet hops up on the bar and does a back flip. Everyone in the bar goes nuts.

After a few more minutes the guy asks the bar tender "How did you teach him that?"

To which the bartender replies "We didn't. He was a stray that wandered in here. One day we had the game on, the Chiefs kick a field goal and the dog does a back flip. He does it every time."

Next the man asks "What does he do when the Chiefs score a touchdown???"

Bartender says "I don't know... we've only had him for a couple years."

[AikiDale]

A Scottish old-timer is in a bar, talking to a young man. "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Noooooooooo..."

Then the old man gestures toward the bar. "Look there at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down with me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-Builder? Nooooooooooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooooooooooooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But they catch you in an indelicate moment with one goat...!"

[Merlin Orr]

Three animals in a bar was having a huge argument over who was the best.

The first animal, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had hardly a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. No one in the jungle dared to challenge him, King of the Jungle.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature with his unique arsenal.

As the three debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all; hawk, lion and stinker!

[gringop]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer.....and a mop."

ETA- dang, dupe time

Gringop

Edited March 3, 2008 by gringop

[Merlin Orr]

Morris starts talking to two women in a bar. They turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment.

He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. Morris realizes the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past Morris' apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee ... do you think he'll remember us?"

[AikiDale]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?"

The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize.

The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

[grandbagger]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

[AikiDale]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw, it; they would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn, THEN One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no. Everyone's fine," he explains, "It's just that I lost an election bet and I have to quit drinking, but I'll not deprive me brothers"

[grandbagger]

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

[ChuckS]

So a baby seal walks into a club...