Shooter Grrl Posted December 20, 2004 Share Posted December 20, 2004 Santa Claus Is a Woman I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: Men can't pack a bag. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves. Men don't answer their mail. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly." Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men: Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ima45dv8 Posted December 20, 2004 Share Posted December 20, 2004 Santa is a MAN! There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why: First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to 'bond' with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make your butt look fat." Also, Christmas comes at the end of the month but I have never heard the REAL Santa complain about cramps or feeling all bloaty. What woman would be even caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair (unless they're total schnauzers). If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. She'd be down at the North Pole Super-X every other day buying a gallon of 'Clairol Brunette # whatever'. Plus, women don't smoke pipes. Also, the sleigh and the reindeer are not equipped with an automatic transmission, a cell phone or vanity mirrors. Not to mention, I don't think Mrs. Claus is a lesbian. I also find it hard to believe that a female Santa could whip a reindeer's ass to get it moving. It's a widely-known fact that coochie-coochie talk doesn't work with reindeer. A female Santa would only bring junk like 'Easy Bake' ovens, Baby 'Puke 'n Crap', and worst of all - CLOTHES - to all the little boys in the world because those items aren't as threatening as the really cool toys like 'Johnny Thermo-nuclear Warhead' or 'Rock-em Sock-em Robots' or 'Creepy Crawlers'. And when you leave a plate of cookies out on the kitchen table on Christmas Eve, Santa judiciously takes a bite from each one to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole damn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor. As far as that red velvet suit is concerned, Mrs Claus withheld sex until Santa agreed to wear it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightloop Posted December 20, 2004 Share Posted December 20, 2004 It's a toss up.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spook Posted December 20, 2004 Share Posted December 20, 2004 Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly." And women wouldn't? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
njrich Posted December 20, 2004 Share Posted December 20, 2004 FEMALE SANTA? FEMALE MRS. SANTA? Hmmm? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dajarrel Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 Damn, I'm confused dj Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diehli Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 FEMALE SANTA?FEMALE MRS. SANTA? Hmmm? I think I saw that one. Great technique!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 Hey, Mrs. Claus keeps the books, feeds the elves, feeds the reindeer and organizes the whole production!! She's the consultant behind the whole deal. Mr. Claus pays her beaucoup bucks to DO all this... she's no fool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AikiDale Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 and to think until I read this thread I believed in Santa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vince Pinto Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. I think Shooter Grrl is right. I once played Santa outside a department store, and I shortened the usual greeting in order to sound more manly. When the first sexy girl walked past and I just said "Ho", she slapped me .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skywalker Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 There's only one (but very strong) reason why Santa is male: Should Santa be a woman, she'd give directions and instructions on what to do, and would let the elves carry out the whole production/delivery stuff... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dead Buff Posted December 21, 2004 Share Posted December 21, 2004 When the first sexy girl walked past and I just said "Ho", she slapped me .... Only once? In public or in private? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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