Please Give Your Attention For The Following Safety Announcement:

[Waltermitty]

Thanks to a retired Air Force officer for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable public safety announcement from Alaska Air flight attendants...

"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like 'what the heck?' (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."

Before takeoff... Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft.

The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... the flight attendants. Please look at one now.

There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front, two over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea.

Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. (This is excellent advice, and something I always do.) We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise.

If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.

We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is .... Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?

After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate.

At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."

[encoreman]

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are!

[SiG Lady]

"Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate.

At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try."

Kind of like the pointlessness of tailgating on the roadways.

[George]

I've flown with that Flight Attendant, or someone similar. She is a real crackup. For the first time ever, I actually found myself paying attention to the safety speech ;-)

[Merlin Orr]

Southwest has some very funny ladies. I did not write it down but I can remember the Bloody Marys and the "Please grab you seat arms and prepare for blastoff."

[Waltermitty]

Found a few more:

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking, and I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck, everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silence, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at USAirways."

[tightloop]

[blackdragon]

Ivan

[n2ipsc]

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms...

at O'Hare - flight attendant on a flight I was on got on the P.A. following multiple bounces off the runway before finally settling down - "Welcome to Chicago...[snip]...and we hope you'll stop by the cockpit as you deplane and tell the captain which landing you liked the best..."

[::bulak::]

i love it...

it makes flying a little less scary

[dajarrel]

Airline cabin announcements I tried to cull the repeats

The last two are my favorites

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight

"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here

are some real examples (Maybe!!!) that have been heard or reported:

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where

you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a

flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out

furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,

the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude

and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and

to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your

belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have.

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only

four ways out of this airplane"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a

flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when

opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like

that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will

descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it

over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your

mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more

than one small child, pick your favorite."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of

an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them

with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight

attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is

pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.

Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,

Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the

Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,

the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to

Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while

the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant

came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until

Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching

halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the

warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your

way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen,

if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the

wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it

reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement

over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The

weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and

uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed,

and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and

said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.

While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a

cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A

passenger in Coach yelled,

"That' s nothing. You should see the back of mine."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had

hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a

policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the

passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our

airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a

hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would

have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a

little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask

you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The

little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

[ima45dv8]

All of this reminds me of a pilot flying out of Atlanta a few years back. I can't remember what airline he flew for (AirTran, maybe?).

He gained a bit of notoriety soon after the 9/11 attacks in NY and DC. Once the door was closed and the aircraft pushed back from the gate, he would go back into the cabin. He'd walked through the cabin, slap a passenger on the shoulder and announce in a long Texas drawl, "OK, Big boy, I deputize YOU!" Seeing another large man -whack!, "And YOU!" He would go through the airplane choosing his own posse of big, sometimes rough-looking characters. He'd be smiling big the whole time.

He'd then give a speech along the lines of, "I'm the Captain of this ship and I'm the law until this plane reaches it's destination. Since I can't be everywhere at once, I'm dep-atizin' you fellas to watch my back. We ain't gonna have no foolishness on this flight, ladies and gents. Anybody starts acting goofy or pulling box cutters or messin' with the flight attendants, I want these Deputies to beat the holy crap outta them and hold 'em for the authorities I'll have waiting when we land."

There was more to it than that, but that's all I remember from the reports on local radio.