The geek walk

[Rob Boudrie]

I was using a credit card at a Burdine's department store in Florida, and I had not signed the card. The clerk told me I had to sign the card, which I did.

At the conclusion of the transaction she carefully compared the signature on the charge slip with the one I had just placed on the card. When I remarked "of course they match", she replied with "we have to check them all to make sure they are the same."

[Duane Thomas]

I have (I used to lead a different life) been to a bunch of SF Cons. Kinda like Comics cons, but with even less socialization of the participants. The rules, as far back as I can recall, were no realistic firerams, period. You could have obvious Star Wars balsters, phasers, stuff like thatm but no real-looking stuff.

My one and only SF convention was the Seattle con. At which I saw a guy with a "peace bonded" hammer-down Utimate Stainless Colt Delta Elite stuffed into the back of his pants. Had to wonder about security's thought processes on that one....

[Patrick Sweeney]

A "Shatner Turbo 2000!" The great harmonic convergence has combined Comics, SF, IPSC and Night Court!

My wildest SF story concerns the obligatory "Costume Ball." Every SF Con has to have a costume contest, or be deemed too nerdy even for SF types. A long time ago, costumes such as "A fighting Man of Mars" were deemed verboten: not wearing a costume was not a costume. (For those not up on their Burroughs, a fighting man of mars wore weapons and jewelry. Period.)

Costume contests were excuses for every women under 200 pounds to wear as little as possible, and for geeky boys wearing Star Trek uniforms to hit on them.

So I see a definite "under 200 lb" candidate dressed as a Klingon, on the other side of one of the suites. (I kid you not, full armor, boots, peace-bonded blade.) As I get closer, I realize that she's under 200 because she's as tall as I am! (I'm 6'4") The boots added some height, but she's still a strapping 5'10" without them! With full face makeup, forehead "turtle" and fangs, no one will come close to her.

Being bold, tipsy and adventurous, I approach.

Later, I discover that I should have been reading the complete Star Trek background briefing manual, because she wanted the full Klingon mating ritual, complete with facial biting and hand to hand combat. I seriously considered calling security, but didn't. I didn't want to be viewed as a "girly man" and be viewed with pity by a bunch of nerdy Star Trek geeks.

I stopped going to cons soon after that.

[carinab]

You think Klingon mating rituals are bad? Try chasing a bunch of furries out of a hospitality suite. I had to shoo them away after the con received some complaints. Furries, for the uninitiated, are folks that are into mythical beasts - half human, half animal, or animals with human characteristics. Their the type that hang a painting of two centaurs having implied intercourse on their wall and call it art. From the hall walking up to the room, it sounded like a barnyard. It seems their mating rituals involve random grunting, bleeting, and vocalizations, not words. After walking in I decided it looked more like a petting zoo if you get my drift. When asked to leave because what they were doing in the suite was inappropriate (on a lot of different levels), they mostly growled at me. Before anyone accuses me of killing a good time, let me say this. Some folks just don't belong in spandex and fur. If you want to get funky (ya' fat, furry flunkie), go pay for your own hotel room 'cause I sure don't need to see it!

[Patrick Sweeney]

Oh god, a room full of furries doing a group grope? That's worse than a roving band of drunken dragon riders, with cute fuzzy little (stuffed) dragons on their shoulders, prowling the halls looking for stray geeks to drag into their rooms. (The "Pern People" as I only once called them in public, were the over 200 pound wimmen, who dressed in velvet and had stuffed dragons that rode on a shoulder. Truly scary.)

Carina, I've never been to a comics con. Did they have hospitality suites, like SF cons?

[carinab]

Yup, our particular con (2nd largest in the world behind Angoulême) had everything including hospitality suites....If it was popular culture, you could find it. Films, comic books, gaming, science fiction, fantasy. We even has sports trading card vendors/events.

[Patrick Sweeney]

I figured as much. So, there I am, at a midwest con, and for the third time I wander into the gay/lesbian/bi hospitality suite, to find big SF author Leo Frankowski there. "Leo, what's up?" "Got a new contract." "Great" After we eat and drink we wander out. Am I? No. Was Leo? No. You could always count on the purple suite to have the best booze and food. By far the best. Other suites would have Bud Light and mixers for "Seven and Seven" and bowls of chips. The purple suites always had single malt, good cognac, fresh produce and cheeses.

Pencil-necked bigots could keep the junk food.

[rhino]

You people are scaring me now. I thought I was nerdy.

<shudder>

[carinab]

Oh, I think wearing tights, leopard prints, and make up like you just stepped out of the play "Cats" is a bit beyond nerdy. I'll concede the point that it often seemed like a convention for the socially inept....After all the thread is called geek walk. However, some of us were there working and others were networking with the industry, not picking up weirdos with one liners like, "Hey baby, want to see a worm hole?"

Which segways into Installment Five: No thank you, I don't do your gender.

I usually avoided the masquerade and after party for reasons which should be obvious by now. However, someone forgot the cash box so I had to make a delivery. I get there and notice that some of the costumes look professional grade and kinda' cool. I drop off the box and check out some of the folks getting ready backstage. I notice there is this really tall chick, maybe 6'2" adjusting this unbelieveable red, white, and blue cape. I get a little closer and realize it's a guy. Before I can turn and leave, he notices I'm noticing and starts trying to chat me up. After a string of lame small talk, he asks if we can do something together after the masquerade. I tell him "I don't do your gender." He suddenly gets this funny, confused look on his face. I think he just realized he was hitting on a chick while wearing a wonder woman costume. Now he says something to the effect of, "Uh, I'm actually a guy." So I say, "Really?! So where does a guy find size thirteen, red, knee high boots?" I think he was embarrassed as he politely excused himself to finish getting ready.

[kspeer]

You should have gotten a cattle prod for the furry ones!

[rhino]

Hoo-boy. The next time I feel bad about myself, I'm going to come here and reread this topic. I'll be feeling pretty spiffy about bein' me in short order!

[Patrick Sweeney]

Rhino, on your worst day you're a slim, well-adjusted, properly-socialized and well-spoken SF fan. I loved my time in cons, but most SF fans are more like pets than people.

[rhino]

Hey! In that case, perhaps I should start attending conventions so I can feel superior!

Come to think of it, I'd probably do really well with the chicks just by being relatively "normal."

Of course, the first time I go, I will become the object of someone else's story for "the geek walk," as it is my nature.

More stories! We need more stories!

[GRD]

This is the most amazing thread in the history of the universe.

I love this country.

- Gabe

[Patrick Sweeney]

OK, so I'm at yet another SF con. (I spent a bunch of time at cons for a while, not because I was poorly socialized, but I would eventually load every single empty cartridge case I had, and then had no reason not to leave the house.)

The costume ball is scheuduled for the late evening, so people were wandering the halls and hospitality suites in costume, getting good and drunk before the dancing. And then I see THEM.

Seven guys, each duded up as one of the Dr. Who actors. Seven distinct, letter-perfect iterations of the costume one of the different Dr. Whos wore. Travelling as a pack. Seven Dr. Whos. I lose sight of them, but later run into them at one of the hospitality suites. "Nice getup, guys." "Thanks." "Very original, but kinda hard to pick up chicks with six wingmen, isn't it?" "You'd be surprised." A sip of single malt scotch sprays from my lips. Visions dance before me, visions I never would have thought of, and still wake up screaming over. With a smile, they wander off.

Pencil-necked geek perverts! And their groupies! Omigawd!

[rhino]

Target-rich environment!

[Patrick Sweeney]

I don't know, the kind of groupie who'd hook up with one Dr. Who while the others watched is not exactly what I'd call a "target." They did not separate at any time I saw them at the con. Not even to hit the head. They went down to the hotel lobby and used the big men's room down there, rather than separate and go into the bathrooms of a hotel room.

I still shudder to think of it. "Creeposity" indeed.

[wide45]

What made you think they were going to watch? Extreme creeposity fur shure!

[rhino]

"Target" in the conventional sense ... as in, you see lots of vermin, so extingish them.

Even I have standards!

[Rob Boudrie]

This morning's induhvidual really takes it.

A woman who thinks I tapped her bumper (I didn't), starts to criticize the way my car was parked.

She gets 3 induhvidual points:

1. The space was painted with stipes to indicate no parking

2. There was a fire hydrant right next to her car

3. A firetruck, with lights on, was parked at the business directly across the street while she parked her car.

I am disappointed she did not take me up on the offer to call the police and let them handle the dispute. She mentioned something about not being able to afford anything else on her dirving record and drive off. (hmm.. that doesn't surprise me)

[Skywalker]

Sounds like a good hand at poker: she bluffed, you saw her bluff, she quitted...

[Patrick Sweeney]

OK, one more creeposity index SF con story: Early in going to cons, I run into this guy who purports to be a professional photographer, in art and portrait. He hands me his portfolio and asks "What do you think?" I'm there with some friends, and as I sit down and flip it open, I notice them fading off to a corner of the hotel room (Every party in an SF con in the evenings is in one of the guest rooms. Everyone who wants to throw a party opens the door and lets anyone with a con badge walk in.) and they're whispering to each other.

I flip through, and begin to notice a pattern: all of his subjects are women, and as I flip deeper they get younger and have less clothing on. I finally stop at a photo of a girl who can't be more than twelve, in lingerie somewhere between Victorias secret and Fredricks of Hollywood. I close the book and hand it back (I'm less than halfway through his 2-1/2" thick looseleaf binder) and make some remark like "Nice, but I think your lighting needs work."

My buddies had been placing bets as to when I'd hand it back! "Dude, that guy has been arrested in three States on child pornography charges, and the only reason he's still at large, and still at cons, is his brother is a pit bull attorney." His brother gets him out of the charges, and threatens any con that bars him with ferocious legal action.

The girls? SF con attendees who think its cool, or have modeling aspirations.

My buddies had to talk me out of beating the crap out of him, and only succeeded when they told me (based on previous similar attempts by other outraged con-goers) that the only solution was to either have a more pit-bull attorney relative as backup, or kill them both. On the bright side, at least once every con, someone throws a drink or drinks all over this creep and his book.

I still wish I'd kicked the snot out of him.

[rhino]

That guy falls outside of the purview of the title "geek," I think.

[diehli]

I don't think his brother would have anything to go on if there was no body.

[ErikW]