Merlin Orr Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 “DA BLUES “ DECONSTRUCTED If you are new to the Blues, or like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules: 1. Most Blues begin with: “Woke up this morning…” 2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.” 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes-sort of: “I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yeh, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound” 4. The Blues is not about choice. “You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch…ain’t now way out.” 5. Blues cars are: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMW’s or sport utility vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the runnin.’ Walkin’ plays a major role in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ ta die. 6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues; they ain’t fixin’ ta die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Clarksdale, Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis and N’awlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You can’t have the Blues in any place that don’t get no rain. 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breakin’ your leg ‘cause you was skiin’ is not the Blues. Breakin’ your leg ‘cause a gator be chompin’ on it is. 9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lightin’ is all wrong. Go outside in the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. 10. Good places for the Blues: a) Highway Jailhouse c) Empty bed d) Bottom of a whiskey glass 11. Bad place for the Blues: a) Nordstrom’s Gallery openings c) Ivy League institutions d) Golf courses 12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it. 13. You have the right to sing the Blues if: a) You’re older than dirt. You’re blind. c) You shot a man in Memphis. d) You can’t be satisfied. Not if: a) You have all your teeth. You were once blind, but now you can see. c) The man in Memphis lived. d) You have a 401K or trust fund. 14. Blues ain’t a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods can’t sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues. 15. If you aks for water, and your darlin’ gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a) Cheap wine Whiskey or bourbon c) Black coffee d) Muddy water The following are NOT Blues beverages: a) Perrier Chardonnay c) Snapple d) Slim Fast 16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dyin’ lonely on a broken-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or during liposuction. 17. Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie Big Mama c) Bessie d) Hot Dumplin’ 18. Some Blues names for men: a) Joe Willie c) Little Willie d) Big Willie 19. Folks with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie and Heather can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 20. Blues Name Starter Kit: a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) First name plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.) c) Last name of a President Examples: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson or Cripple Peach Fillmore, etc. 21. It don’t matter how tragic your life is: If you own a computer, you can’t sing da Blues, period. Sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 "19. Folks with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie and Heather can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis." Right on, Blues Brother Merlin... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robby Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 I got a computer, but I think I got the blues, oh Lord!, since my baby put me down. Lord I don't know what to do, all I do is cry and frown, Willie Lime Clinton Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matthew_Mink Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 I like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightloop Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Sorry, it doesn't cut the mustard... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duane Thomas Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 I've always despised the blues. It's all, "Oh, the world is such a horrible place, I'm in such pain, I can't handle it, life is just too tough." Whine, whine, whine. I once asked a friend of mine, who's heavily into the blues, "Aren't there any blues songs that say, 'Y'know, the world is a pretty good place, and even when it's not I can deal with it because I'm a strong person'?" He looked at me like I just didn't get it, and replied, "Of course not. Then it wouldn't be the blues." The prosecution rests. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 But there are blues riffs and blues instrumental compositions that can really carry you away (to address your inner humanity and enjoy submitting to it--without whining!), and surely something must be said for THOSE pieces...!! Sometime it's OK to... uh... submit. Sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve Anderson Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 The blues is a state of mind...but it's actually a positive state of mind. You'll rarely have problems as bad as the one in the song...and that makes yours seem much less troubling. But there is so much BAD blues out there...epecially metal blues (Great White, Jackyl, etc) Yuck. BB King, Robert Cray, SRV, Buddy Guy, Albert Collins, Junior Brown. You'll feel better in the morning. Minor scales over Major chords...Bliss. SA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve Anderson Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 For example... I been on the road since Monday... and you know that aint no fun. People I been travelling hard since Monday... Lord Knows that ain't no fun. Called EGW on Tuesday (dramatic pause) My blaster still ain't done. I got to go back to Texas shortly, but it aint to shoot no match. Said I got to go to Texas, but I can't shoot no match. Been so long since I practiced...I'm fraid I'll hafta start from scratch. My hound dog went outside....just to poop and pee. That old dogs on a chain outside...just to poop and pee. Now I see that hound dog...wrapped herself around the old oak tree. See I got them new GM blues...my brain ain't working right. My body ain't the problem...but my brain just ain't working right. Maybe I should think about baseball, that seemed to work last night. Now...don't you feel better? SA (wait till you hear the solo...I'll STRANGLE that sumbitch of a strat ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn jones Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirtypool40 Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 The thing I always liked about the blues, was the respect a man can have for, well being a real dog. You don't have to be a good man, and maybe your drinking (or whatever, like it makes any difference) drove your woman to leave your ass, but you don't have take it like some kind of PC wuuus. A country guy will whine about his woman leaving and drink himelf into a stupor, usually on Beam, Dickle or Jack. He may also try to drown himself in beer and fartin' waffle waitresses. A Rock Singer (ala Steeeeeeeeve Perry) will cry and say he deserved it, but please come back, then he'll pack his nose, drink his zima, and wallow in a pile of 15 year old groupies. You want to respect yourself? For your first lesson check out Albert King, Response to the Laundramat Blues. Don't matter whose fault it is, a bluesman is better than the liberal media at spin and fixin' blame, and it ain't never on him. Striaght up, no matter why she left Albert King (et al) will let her know her ass is kicked if he ever sees her again, even if it was his fault. Lyrics like "When that washer stop you better be done or have a damn good explanation. Hate to see you come up with an eye poked out or a leg screwed off. (what is that about?) and other classic lines "...and if you you run too fast, gonna whup you on the bottoms of yo feets. Gonna whup you all up under the toenails..." Now that's a deterrant!!!! Also check out SRV and Boot Hill, of course as Jimi points out in Red House, an approved alternate is rogering your ol' ladies sister, or mother, or best friends, or entire cheerleading squad. Just trying to give you options. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightloop Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Lynn, best I can remember, did you get your name pimpified, so you too can sing the blues...if not, I don't know if someone named Lynn can sing the blues... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matthew_Mink Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Lynn, best I can remember, did you get your name pimpified, so you too can sing the blues...if not, I don't know if someone named Lynn can sing the blues... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 LMAOACOT!!! (Lauged my a** off a couple of times!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garfield Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 I just counted and came up with 9 (computers I own) ... no blues for me . Good one Lynn ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErikW Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Lynn needs to sing the Moderator Smack-Down Blues. I didn't use me the Search tool Too much trouble for this lazy fool Saint MerlinD done posted it first Heartless mod went and did the merge Must admit I am the one to blame For my own re-posting spiral of shame Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn jones Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 sorry! i'll go to the corner of the room now! lynn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted August 10, 2004 Author Share Posted August 10, 2004 I am damn glad to see this post again! It's not that the joke is so funny but the replies..... Gotta big ole nother chuckle outta this one...! Lynn - you got better leave the blues alone.. First TL jabs ya bout "People named Lynn can't sing the Blues" then its a poem by Henry Gipson - no - I mean Erik - the Wadsworth - Warren. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightloop Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Merlin Your second tag line refers to Keary, Right????? Uh Oh, goin' ta get smacked for political inference....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted August 10, 2004 Author Share Posted August 10, 2004 TL - A line from Apocalypse Now. Now that is a Great Movie! in a weird sorta way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tightloop Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 "...Charlie, don't surf..." It is a great film... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin c Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Betcha TW is singin' da blues now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyro Shooter Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Oh yeah boy named Tiger singin the blues now every night. too late now to zip and put it right. watchin the rear view for a 9 iron in flight Maybe if he'd hit "Delete" before that night. Playin golf for a hundred million bones and HE can't afford two throwawy cell phones?????? ("with aploigies to a real blues man like Ted Hawkins") Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hitman Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Now I got to dig out the Blues albums. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graham Smith Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Oh, my computer done and left me cold. Yah, my computer done and left me cold. Won't boot up and quarterly reports are owed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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