BigDave Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 A Memo to All Pets Dear Dogs and Cats, When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door... Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. 5. Dogs and cats are better than some kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 Been there, had a few (pets, that is...) AMEN! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRG65 Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 You described my two dogs perfectly. There needs to be a paragraph about dogs trying to trip the chef in the kitchen, so they can get your meal before its even prepared. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigDave Posted December 1, 2003 Author Share Posted December 1, 2003 My favorite part of that is: 1) They live here, you don't I agree on the trip thing. I think if they could, they would. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spook Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 Very cool. I definately agree with the "They live here, you don't"- part Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 2 kids - 2 pets - the kids are gone. The pets are still here. Nuff Said? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rhino Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If bysome miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory. This is classic! BigDave ... when you get home and meet your replacement in our practice crew (BigTruckJim), you will also get to mee one of his dogs, a corgi puppy named "Hank." Hank loves everyone and everyone loves Hank, but Hank likes to accompany you to the bathroom. BTJ has a couple of other corgis, one of which is an older female that looks a lot like Hank, only a little larger. I was visiting one day and when I went to the bathroom, Hank followed me and tried to join me. I told him to wait outside and closed the door. When I turned around, I almost peed right there when I saw Hank standing there in the bathroom looking at me. Okay, so I peed a little. Sue me. I kicked him out and when I saw the other dog in the hallway, I realized how they fooled me. Apparently I'm easy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twix Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 Did you notice how casually Rhino used the "P" word there? It's almost like it's ok to talk about practicing publicly. He even threw a little hissy tonight when it was suggested we save ourselves five hours of driving by shooting the local IDPA instead of travelling for IPSC. Are there cool winds whistling deep below the earth? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flexmoney Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 5 hours? Are you ladies coming to Circleville for the December match??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rhino Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 Did you notice how casually Rhino used the "P" word there? It's almost like it's ok to talk about practicing publicly.He even threw a little hissy tonight when it was suggested we save ourselves five hours of driving by shooting the local IDPA instead of travelling for IPSC. Are there cool winds whistling deep below the earth? Well, the Cubs almost went all the way . . . it could be sign of big changes! 5 hours? Are you ladies coming to Circleville for the December match??? No need to worry . . . we're talking about South Central. You got a little scared when you thought I might come over and shoot production though, didn'tcha?!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flexmoney Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 5 hours? Are you ladies coming to Circleville for the December match??? No need to worry . . . we're talking about South Central. You got a little scared when you thought I might come over and shoot production though, didn'tcha?!! Well crap. Steve has a "walk the plank" stage set up for this Saturday. I was wanting to see if all this clumsy talk was true or not. Oh..to keep this on topic: Dogs in the kitchen??? What are they doing in there? (Just so you don't think I biased...I run all the people out of the kitchen when I cook as well.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blkbrd Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 Its almost tax time and I still need a way to write off my dogs as dependents Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeeper Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 This was very funny. THe rules about entering the house are the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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