CSEMARTIN Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Let me hear your favorite lawyer jokes. I'll go first. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. What do you throw a drowning lawyer? His partners. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ima45dv8 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 An old gator was picking his teeth and relaxing with a full belly after a particularly satisfying and filling meal of fresh lawyer. A younger gator remarked how he was never full after eating a lawyer. They never fill him up. After a good burp, the old gator advised him to quit shaking the shit out of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrumpyOne Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 What do you call 1,000 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean? A good start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redial Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 There are only two lawyer jokes - the rest are true stories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Got Juice? Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 How many dead lawyers does it take to fill a Volkswagen Beetle? A: Do we really need an excuse to find out? Dave was a successful trial lawyer, who made more enemies than friends, charged what he felt work was worth and lived a whole life. on his 35th Birthday, he died peacefully in his sleep. As he approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said 'hello Dave, we have been waiting for you, and would like to know how you enjoyed living to the ripe old age of 100". Dave jumped up and down in excitement, he said I knew there was a mistake, and that I wasn't supposed to die yet, St.Pete, I am only 35 years old!!!! St. Pete consulted with God, and said "No Mistake Dave, we went by your own billable hours report........' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ima45dv8 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes? A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSEMARTIN Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 Q. What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A. One is a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger. The other is a fish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rhgunguy Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Q. What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? A. Lawyers get frequent flier miles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CZinSC Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? The prostitute stops screwing you when you're dead. How do you prevent a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off the back of his neck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrumpyOne Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Millionaire Bob was dying, and he called his 3 closest advisors, his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer, to his death bed. "I'm going to take all of my money with me." he told the three. "Here's $1,000,000 cash each, when you go up to pay your respects and view my remains, put the $1,000,000 into the casket with me." Well, the day of reckoning came, and all three paid their respects....Later, they decided to all have a drink in Bob's honor....So down at the bar, after a few drinks, the priest says "It's been eating at me since we left the funeral home....I only put $950,000 into the casket with Bob....I feel so ashamed...I'm going to donate the $50,000 that I didn't put into the casket to the boys and girls club, in Bob's name...." The doctor and lawyer were shocked..."I can't believe it! You're a thief!" said the doctor, the lawyer just shaking his head in disbelief....A few more drinks, and the doctor comes clean " I only put $900,00 into the casket....He wasn't gonna need it...But this goes against my hippocratic oath...I'm going to give the money to the childrens hospital to help sick kids,,," Both the priest and the lawyer were stunned...."I can't believe you did that! That is so unethical!" the lawyer yells at the doctor....The doctor asks incredulously, "You expect me, a doctor, to believe that a lawyer put all $1,000,000 into that casket with Bob?" "Well," the lawyer says, "I sure did. I put all $1,000,000 into that casket with Bob. He gave me the money to put in the casket with him, so I put the money in the bank until he died, then I wrote him a check for $1,000,000 and put it in there with him!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Round_Gun_Shooter Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes? A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes. A good friend was an Attorney. He died 2 years ago today. He would enjoy this thread. In his honor: Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention? A: The caterer. Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull? A: Lipstick. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? A: Your Honor. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50 A: Senator. Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? A: Accountants know they're boring. Q: What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed? A: A jury. Q: Why did God invent lawyers? A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on. I miss you Darius. With your expertise in Firearms Laws, we could use you right now.. RIP My friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrumpyOne Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 What is the REAL American dream? Every lawyer in America trying to swim across the Pacific ocean with a used car salesman under each arm.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Youngeyes Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Too many to list. Enjoy the quotes. http://www.jamesfuqu...es/famous.shtml Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redial Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Why do lawyers make better test animals than laboratory rats? 1) There are more lawyers than rats 2) The lab technicians won't grow attached to them 3) There are things you just can't get a rat to do! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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