Getting Older

[vluc]

For my friends (and family) over fifty and for my friends who are on their way. Enjoy

_THE PERKS OF BEING OVER FIFTY _

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first..

3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without your glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into

the room.

14 You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national

weather service.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember

them either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

_SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE_

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using

you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are

not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives

you four hours of decent rest.

5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

6. You are on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a

field trip to Chippendale's.

_

SIGNS OF WEAR_

OLD" IS WHEN/... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"

and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!

OLD" IS WHEN/... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator

shoes and you're barefoot.

OLD" IS WHEN/... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker

opens the garage door.

OLD" IS WHEN/... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

OLD" IS WHEN/... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long

as you don't have to go along.

OLD" IS WHEN/... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead

of by the police.

OLD" IS WHEN/... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take

any fiber today.

OLD" IS WHEN/... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the

parking lot.

OLD" IS WHEN/... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

"Fall Seven Times, Get Up Eight" -Japanese Proverb

[cking]

Geeh I resemble those remarks! Now what was I mad about????

[dajarrel]

Geeh I resemble those remarks!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

me too

dj

[tightloop]