sdwilliams Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I received word earlier this week that a co-worker lost his wife unexpectedly. All I knew at the time was that she was taken by ambulance earlier that morning, CPR in progress and she didn't make it. When we received the news we were asked to keep him and his daughter in our thoughts and prayers. I've never met Kory but have been a part of the same team for a couple of years now. Phoned his manager to get his address but when I got his voice mail, decided to search the net and see what I could find; after all, the town he's in isn't that big. Before I found their address however, I found the birth announcement of their daughter, Angela in their local paper... She's 10, will turn 11 in October. I thought it would be nice to send Angela her own card and was already struggling with what to say when I received a call back from Kory's manager. In addition to learning that they're Christians, I learned that her death was very unexpected. She had awoken earlier that morning when Kory was getting ready for work; they chatted for a bit and he agreed to drop Angela off at school and yes, he would wake her (his wife) before he left. A short time later, Angela went into the bedroom to ask her mom to help with her hair when she found her unresponsive. Kory started CPR; Angela dialed 9-1-1. Though I have never met either of them and though I have no kids of my own, my heart breaks for them. What can possibly be said to help a child in this situation feel better? Rare, but I'm at a loss of words on this one yet strangely compelled to do something. I welcome your thoughts.... Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miranda Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 say and do the same as you do for any one. Help If you can, and let them all know you can't imagine that it does not hurt all the way down to the soul. no one should bury their children. miranda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcarter Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I couldn't imagine trying to tell my 3 little ones that mommy is gone. I see your problem and I wish I could tell you something to say. I would make sure that Kory is aware that you are there to help if needed. Maybe make some dinners for them or take his daughter out to a movie or shopping. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlamoShooter Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 It may be a guy thing , but saying nothing at all has its value. You want to make her feel better , the fact is -you cant- The same way we want to tell you something so -YOU- will feel better. In a small way if we can help you , we end up helping our selfs more. Helping in a way is a selfish thing, I remember a friend that had a long lingering death that chased him for years. At his Funeral in Shreveport his only Daughter spoke for about 3 min. Every thing she had to say was to comfort his friends. Wow what is what I thought , I had no idea he was such a good Father. You are a good person , I know you will find something to do that will help Your friend Jamie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSEMARTIN Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I've never met Kory but have been a part of the same team for a couple of years now. I welcome your thoughts.... Sherry Since you don't know them, you should stay out of it. I think it is weird to receive calls, visits or cards, etc. from people you don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cas Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Since you don't know them, you should stay out of it. I think it is weird to receive calls, visits or cards, etc. from people you don't know. My mother died when I was 11, I of course was devastated. At the time I felt just about everything anyone said to me condolence wise, was just asinine and almost insulting. I resented it more than anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CMV Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I have a bit of experience with this...yesterday I had to tell a father his 30 year old son comitted suicide. I don't know how many mothers, fathers, etc I have given news of the death of a loved one to...a whole bunch. It always sucks no matter how much you deal with it. My suggestions are to be sincere, simple and direct; ie: "I'm sorry for your loss." "I am here to help, if you need anything at all, don't hesitate to ask.", etc. DO NOT tell someone going through a traumatic loss that you know how they feel...even if you do, they won't believe anyone can ever feel as horrible as they do. You just have to be supportive and honest without being coming across as if you have been there or know what they are feeling. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Got Juice? Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Having lost people like this a few times, if the kids are fairly young, find out what hobbies they are into. Then start participating with them in these activities a little. A lot of times supporting someone to get through this tough time can be as easy as a small gesture. Showing up at their basketball game, or whatever. Better still, wait a week or so, and take them off their father's hands for a weekend. You would be surprised, but a little mentoring goes a long long way to assauge a lot of grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Got Juice? Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Having lost people like this a few times, if the kids are fairly young, find out what hobbies they are into. Then start participating with them in these activities a little. A lot of times supporting someone to get through this tough time can be as easy as a small gesture. Showing up at their basketball game, or whatever. Better still, wait a week or so, and take them off their father's hands for a weekend. You would be surprised, but a little mentoring goes a long long way to assauge a lot of grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSEMARTIN Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 (edited) PM sent to original poster. Edited January 23, 2011 by CSEMARTIN Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadowrider Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 When I lost my one year old grand daughter to leukemia this helped. It still does and always will. Ecclesiastes 3: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sdwilliams Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 Thanks to every one who has offered advice, both via this thread and privately. You've confirmed what I already knew, that being there is no 'right' answer and I also learned a few things too. A big one from Jamie (I know, scary hu?!)... "helping in a way is a selfish thing". Though that would never be my intention and he knows that, it IS reality. Separate cards for husband and daughter with simple, appropriate messages for each. I'll send her a Valentine's Day card from her "friend across the miles" and will remember her birthday too. Perhaps other holidays here and there but nothing beyond that unless she reaches out to me. If I had a relationship with either of them previously it would be different but just show up from 6 or so hours away when we've never met... that's just weird. I know several of you have experienced such a loss and I'm sorry. CMV, having to deliver such messages? Bless you. All of this is reinforcement that I need to enjoy every day I have my parents one more day on this earth. Something else I already knew??? You guys rock! Thanks again, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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