Phil Dunlop Posted February 19, 2004 Share Posted February 19, 2004 []One-liners… I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?' When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine? I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough." If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat? I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither. Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted August 30, 2007 Share Posted August 30, 2007 ~~~ I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. ~~~ I had amnesia once -- or twice. ~~~ I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what? ~~~ Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. ~~~ All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. ~~~ If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle. ~~~ What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? ~~~ They told me I was gullible and I believed them. ~~~ Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway. ~~~ Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. ~~~ One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. ~~~ I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. ~~~ If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? ~~~ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. ~~~ Is it me -- or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AikiDale Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 I was accosted on the street by a woman complaining, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that suede jacket you're wearing?" I replied, "I did not know there were any witnesses. Now I will have to kill you too." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sean Gaines Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 I went to the doctor and he told me I had 6 months to live, couldn't pay the bill, and he gave me another 6 months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Micah Posted August 31, 2007 Share Posted August 31, 2007 I'm against picketing but don't know how to show it. I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something. I have a belt on that's holding up my pants, and my pants have belt loops that holding up my belt. I don't know what's really happenin' down there. "Who is the real hero?" I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. This shirt is "dry-clean only," which means it's dirty. -Mitch Hedberg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ming the Merciless Posted September 1, 2007 Share Posted September 1, 2007 Gasoline prices have gotten so high that women wanting to run over their cheating husbands have started carpooling. My wife wanted to go someplace expensive for the weekend, so I took her down the street to the local Texaco. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
et45 Posted September 3, 2007 Share Posted September 3, 2007 I tried reading Shakespeare but grew tired of all the cliches Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knightkrawler00 Posted September 10, 2007 Share Posted September 10, 2007 A baby seal walks into a club. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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