mspingy

AMEN BROTHER!!!!!

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Go to this link to play the trunk monkey videos: http://www.cpwsa.com/humor.htm #3 is the funniest.

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The actors in this video do a really great job. http://waxy.org/random/view.php?type=video..._ifeelgreat.mov Then click on: Ad Nutrigrain I feel great mov. file

Enjoy the music! http://www.fullofjokes.com/articles/fartinginbed.html

Funny video http://media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php?e=dogassistance.wmv

This video was produced by black comic Dave Chappelle. You will laugh yourself silly. http://www.woopig.net/other/chappelle.wmv

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Enjoy this one folks. http://www.fullofjokes.com/images/cansign2.jpg

POOPING AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE. Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE). Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH. Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME. Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN). Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS. Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH. Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE. Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON. Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET. Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED. Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. FLY BY. Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

As an employee of K-Mart you are sometimes required to make storewide pages, e.g.,” I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

When I load .45's I normally use 230 grain jacketed round nose bullets. However I just bought a box of Ranier 200 grain jacketed round nose bullets and can not find a listing for the OAL. I use Titegroup. 1.) Does anyone know a site that lists this data? 2.) Can the OAL using a round nose bullet be the same as using a hollow point?

Immature joke.

I personally heard the following true story as told by pastor Chuck Smith of Calvary Chapel, Ca. The message was: Leading by example, the mistakes that leaders make. A pastor and his deacon were driving to their annual hunting spot to find the area posted "No Hunting". The pastor said to the deacon "let's go ask the farmer on the other side of the road if we can use his land to hunt on since we have driven such a long way to get here". The deacon, knowing the farmer who owned the land said "I know that farmer, he is one of the meanest human being that I have ever met, he will never let you hunt on his property! The pastor was determined to ask the farmer anyway despite the deacons protests. As the deacon waited in the car the pastor walked up to the farmers house, spoke of their annual hunting trip and the problem of the posted property. Contrary to the deacons report the farmer was very gracious and gave the two men access to his property and made the following request: "I will allow you to hunt on my property, and I would like you to help me out with the following problem". You see that old horse that is tied behind my barn? He is in constant pain and need to be put down, but I have had him for so many years that it is just too hard for me to shoot him". Could you please shoot him so that I do not have to do it myself?" The pastor said, "of course I will help you out." It was then that the pastor decided to play a joke on the deacon. As the pastor arrived back at the car he said to the deacon, " I should have listened to you!" "That wicked farmer cursed me up one side and down the other." "I'll show him what I think of his nasty attitude." At that the pastor ran to the back of the car pulled his rifle out of the truck and ran around the back of the barn. The deacon, visibly shaken, followed the pastor to the area behind the barn where the pastor proceeded to blow the horse away. It total shock the deacon suddenly ran back around the barn and out of sight as the pastor fell to his knees laughing uncontrolably. A few moments later the pastor suddenly heard, BOOM, BOOM. The deacon came running around the side of the building and said: " I just killed two of his cows, lets get out of here!"

I had a bad year in 2003. 1.) Finally after 14 years in the same house I decided that I wanted to upgrade to my dream house with the mortgage rates so low. 2.) Bought the new house and then suddenly lost my job. 3.) Decided to sell the new house because the old house would not sell and I could not afford 2 mortgages with no job. 4.) Sold the new house for a $20,000 dollar loss. 5.) New house sold, called insurance agent and told her to cancel the coverage on the new house. 6.) Several months later the insurance agent wanted to know if I wanted to make any changes on my car insurance which was up for renewal. 7.) Made some minor changes on my car insurance and asked to make some minor changes on my homeowners insurance which is always up for renewal at the same time. 8.) Agent tells me I have no home owners insurance with them. 9.) I say WHAAATTTTTT? 10.) Stupid agent canceled my entire homeowner policy when I sold my new house instead of canceling the coverage on the new house. 11.) Was completely without insurance for almost 1 year and did not even know it. Could have lost everything. What a *&%$# MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our Greatest Need Darrell Scott is the father of Rachel Joy Scott, one of the students murdered at Littleton, Colorado’s Columbine High School on April 20, 1999. Mr. Scott’s son, Craig, miraculously survived the massacre, but witnessed as two of his friends were shot to death in the school library. On May 27th, Mr. Scott testified in Washington, DC before the Subcommittee on Crime of the House Judiciary Committee. Following is his statement: Since the dawn of creation there have been both good and evil in the hearts of men and of women. We all contain the seeds of kindness or the seeds of violence. The death of my wonderful daughter Rachel Joy Scott, and the deaths of that heroic teacher and the other children who died, must not be in vain. Their blood cries out for answers. The first recorded act of violence was when Cain slew his brother Abel out in the field. The villain was not the club he used. Neither was it the NCA — the National Club Association. The true killer was Cain and the reason for the murder could only be found in Cain’s heart. In the days that followed the Columbine tragedy, I was amazed at how quickly fingers began to be pointed at groups such as the NRA. I am not a member of the NRA. I am not a hunter. I do not even own a gun. I am not here to represent or defend the NRA, because I don’t believe that they are responsible for my daughter’s death. Therefore, I do not believe that they need to be defended. If I believed they had anything to do with Rachel’s murder, I would be their strongest opponent. I am here today to declare that Columbine was not just a tragedy — it was a spiritual event that should be forcing us to look at where the real blame lies. Much of that blame lies here in this room. Much of that blame lies behind the pointing fingers of the accusers themselves. I wrote a poem just four nights ago that expresses my feelings best. This was written way before I knew l would be speaking here today: Your laws ignore our deepest needs, Your words are empty air, You’ve stripped away our heritage, You’ve outlawed simple prayer, Now gunshots fill our classrooms, And precious children die, You seek for answers everywhere, And ask the question, "Why?" You regulate restrictive laws, Through legislative creed, And yet you fail to understand, That God is what we need! Men and women are three part beings. We all consist of body, soul, and spirit. When we refuse to acknowledge a third part of our makeup, we create a void that allows evil, prejudice, and hatred to rush in and wreak havoc. Spiritual influences were present within our educational systems for most of our nation’s history. Many of our major colleges began as theological seminaries. This is a historic fact. What has happened to us as a nation? We have refused to honor God and in doing so, we open the doors to hatred and violence. And when something as terrible as Columbine’s tragedy occurs, politicians immediately look for a scapegoat such as the NRA. They immediately seek to pass more restrictive laws that continue to erode away our personal and private liberties. We do not need more restrictive laws. Eric and Dylan would not have been stopped by metal detectors. No amount of gun laws can stop someone who spends months planning this type of massacre. The real villain lies within our own hearts. Political posturing and restrictive legislation are not the answers. The young people of our nation hold the key. There is a spiritual awakening taking place that will not be squelched! We do not need more religion. We do not need more gaudy television evangelists spewing out verbal religious garbage. We do not need more million dollar church buildings built while people with basic needs are being ignored. We do need a change of heart and a humble acknowledgment that this nation was founded on the principle of simple trust in God. As my son Craig lay under that table in the school library and saw his two friends murdered before his very eyes, he did not hesitate to pray in school. I defy any law or politician to deny him that right! I challenge every young person in America and around the world to realize that on April 20, 1999, at Columbine High School, prayer was brought back to our schools. Do not let the many prayers offered by those students be in vain. Dare to move into the new millennium with a sacred disregard for legislation that violates your conscience and denies your God given right to communicate with Him. To those of you who would point your finger at the NRA, I give to you a sincere challenge: Dare to examine your own heart before you cast the first stone! My daughter’s death will not be in vain. The young people of this country will not allow that to happen.

Diary Of A Young Couple Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in South Dakota. It is so beautiful here. The grasslands and hills are so serene and picturesque. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. God's Country... I love it here. Oct. 14 South Dakota is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red, yellow, and orange. I went for a ride through some beautiful river bottoms and spotted some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise... I love it here. Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon... I love it here. Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony... I love South Dakota. Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland... I love it here. Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. Stupid snow plow. Dec. 22 More of that white crap fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow man hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling this driveway, the butthead! Dec. 25 "White Christmas" my butt! More stupid snow. If I ever get my hands on that idiot who drives that snow plow, I swear I'll castrate him! Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the stupid ice. Dec. 28 More white crap last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for shoveling out the driveway after "snow plow Harry" comes by every time. Can't go anywhere, car's buried in a mountain of white crap. The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of the crap tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? Jan. 1 Happy Flipping New Year. The weatherman was wrong (again). We got 34 inches of the white crap this time. At this rate it won't melt before the 4th of July. The snow plow got stuck up the road, and the butthead had the gall to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. After I told him I've broken 6 shovels already, shoveling all the snow he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his head. Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a stupid deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November. Apr. 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rotting out from all the salt they keep dumping all over the road? Car looks like a piece of crap. Apr. 10 Moved to Texas. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in God Forsaken state of South Dakota.

The train ride In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face." (2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him." (3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me." (4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

A saleswoman from a major condom company was required to travel cross country to meet a prospective buyer. Her boss asked her to take about 100 condoms of various types with her. As she was running late for her flight, she simply stuffed them all into her briefcase. The cab ride to the airport was delayed by traffic and she had just enough time to throw her ticket at the counter and run onto the plane. As she jumped into the airplane, she dropped her briefcase and all the condoms flew out all over the floor in front of all the passengers and crew. They all stared amazed at the display and then looked to the woman who said sheepishly, "I'm meeting a new client."

Subject: Liberal / Conservative / Southerner Scenario: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 45 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? Liberal Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. Conservative Answer: BANG! Southerner's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click....(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click. Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??

What Women Say (And What They Really Mean) I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of every banjo-playing geek on "Hee Haw.") There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.) I'm not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork I have ever laid eyes upon.) My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a rich sugar daddy.) I've got a boyfriend. (I'd rather stay home alone.) I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.) It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.) I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring as my job has got to be better than dating you.) I'm celibate. (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether.) Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and fall in love with.) What Men Say (And What They Really Mean) I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.) There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.) I'm not attracted to you in that way. (You're ugly.) My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.) I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.) I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.) It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.) I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.) I'm celibate. (You're ugly.) Let's be friends. (You're ugly.)