How to Simulate being in the Navy

[redmanfixit]

"How To Simulate Being A Sailor"

1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow compressed air (or use a leaf blower)up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. Have someone repeat loudly, "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all S**t cans and butt kits over the fantail!"

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. Repeat the same movie several nights in a row.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations, shouting, "Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations!"

21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When you finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Call this "Midrats".)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how quickly they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and

ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 2200, saying, "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house (for the benefit of aircraft sailors).

29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill! This is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"

30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseated. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket. ALT: Find the biggest horse you can, put a 2-inch mattress on his back, and strap yourself to it. Turn him loose in a barn filled with snakes for six hours and try to sleep. Then get up and go to work.

32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room and run it all day long.

33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot; let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

36. Add 1/3 cup diesel fuel to the laundry.

37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

No Really it's like this!

Stolen from the author SHAMELESSLY!

[Mark K]

A former Squid friend adds the following:

• Put a pipe one foot above your bed (rack) at head level and in the middle of the night have someone yell "General Quarters, General Quarters, man your battle stations" over the bitchbox.

• Place JP5 jet fuel in the drinking water.

• Mix JP5 jet fuel in with the shower water (gives you that nice shiny feeling - also keeps the mosquitoes away).

• Have someone with a dragster do burn outs every 5-15 minutes in your garage at night; which is right next to your bed.

• Have someone shake your house every 15 minutes at night to simulate a catapult striking the bow of the ship.

• Have someone next to your bed run their nails on a chalk board with microphone in hand to simulate the arresting gear when a jet lands.

• Learn to walk through your house on roller skates with wobbly wheels 24/7.

• Learn to play cards with 6 of your friends in a closet that is meant to seat 4...in the dark.

[Corey]

NOTE TO SELF: DONT JOIN THE NAVY!

[Graham Smith]

For a taste of Army life:

Invite a lot of people you don't know into your house for an inspection and let them criticize you because they can't see their reflection in your floors.

Serve the family cold hamburgers and beans every Sunday night for 6 months in a row.

Serve the family freeze dried mystery food one day a month just for practice.

Find something completely and utterly useless and make someone guard it at night.

Give the kids an allowance which is just enough to buy a pack of gum once a week.

Make everyone packup and move every other year, but don't tell them why.

Simulate being in an encampment next to an artillery range by setting of loud explosions at random times of the day.

Take the family auto apart for no good reason at least once every other week.

Paint all the rocks in the back yard white.

Edited January 27, 2010 by Graham Smith

[XRe]

If Dale Matthews were around, he'd also add....

- include 1/4c JP5 in your morning pancake batter!

I was on a carrier for a week, and even that was enough to tell you all of the above is true...

[Action Pistolero]

Replace the shower head with a hose and a nozzle on the end of it.

Finally get to sleep after your 12 hour shift and you are suddenly awakened by "Danger Zone" playing on the 5 MC.

Arrive for duty via an arrested landing on a C-2 being flown by an Air Force pilot. The next day arrive in Naples and swear the ground is moving.

You are about to be shot off of the ship in a C-2 sitting backwards and the load master says "keep your feet under your seat".

You go to the local flea market and hear "Hey Joe, Hey Joe, want to buy a watch?"

So many memories.

[JeffWard]

And THIS is why I joined the Air Force...

1) Actually USE your degree, or train in a field that you can USE when you GET OUT.

2) Holiday Inn+ level accommodations, even for enlisted.

3) Nice golf courses on every base, and actually have time to play them!

4) "Chow Hall" is actually a 3-star restaurant... Everything on the plate is recognizable!

5) Fly anywhere in the country for free, in actual airliner seats, with actual cute/pleasant attendants.

Ah.... I miss Air Force life...

Jeff

[redmanfixit]

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff! That's why Squids, Doggies and Jarheads think the Air Force is just a country club with expensive air planes!!

Quote Graham Smith

"Find something completely and utterly useless and make someone guard it at night."

With no bullets in your gun!

Edited January 30, 2010 by redmanfixit

[Action Pistolero]

And THIS is why I joined the Air Force...

1) Actually USE your degree, or train in a field that you can USE when you GET OUT.

2) Holiday Inn+ level accommodations, even for enlisted.

3) Nice golf courses on every base, and actually have time to play them!

4) "Chow Hall" is actually a 3-star restaurant... Everything on the plate is recognizable!

5) Fly anywhere in the country for free, in actual airliner seats, with actual cute/pleasant attendants.

Ah.... I miss Air Force life...

Jeff

Your #1 was the reason I joined the Navy.

I'll agree with the rest of them. Spent 3 weeks at Keesler for Sat Comm school.

Advancement is the big difference. I was up for E-6 after 7 years.

I forgot to add: If you had chicken for chow the night before it was a few days before you saw any Seagulls.

[Navysteve]

I miss the Navy and my boat.

[diablodawg]

Don't forget the random, ear-piercing, 30 second long whistle blasts just to remind you to do what you were already doing.

[Navysteve]

The 30* rolls at PD during a hurricane.

Doing angles and dangles for random people in the government so they can say they were on a Sub, and some times midshipman that are female or going into the Marines.

Watching the coast guard hosing some green peace hippies so we can go to sea. They never let us have any fun.

[Ed K]

Steve

Taking 30d rolls at 100' coming up to PD just to catch a sked. 2 hurricanes.

[redmanfixit]

Remember "Reveille Reveille Reveille". (This is what you first hear, delivered at a volume that can make your fillings drop right out, followed by poetry, of all things!) For example; "Drop yer c***s and grab yer socks and let yer feet hit that cold hard deck"! (and just in case you missed the first call) "Reveille Reveille Reveille!"