tallgrass

Here's a quote from someone who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC. "There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?" The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II, my second husband died in Korea, one of my sons died in Vietnam, a Grandson died in Desert Storm, all so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

You live in Phoenix, Arizona when..... 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. :-) 2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel. 3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face. 5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top. 6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads. 7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! 10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. You Live in California when... 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone. 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 4. You know how to eat an artichoke. 5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. You Live in New York City when... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2... You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 4 You think Central Park is "nature," 5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 6. You've worn out a car horn. 7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. You Live in Maine when... 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for moose. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. You Live in the Deep South when... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2."y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from ' round here, are Ya?" 4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense. 5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc. You live in Colorado when... 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2... You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4... The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. You live in the Midwest when... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!" You live in Florida when... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. "What's bothering you, dear?" asked Farther O'Grady. "Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. "My husband passed away last night." "Oh, Mary!" said the good father. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" "Yes...," Mary replied sheepishly. "Well?" "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'"

Bill and Hillary attend a World Series Game. Sitting in the first row, the Secret Service people are sitting directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy. Then, he looks at Hillary. Then, he looks back at the agent. Finally, he shakes his head "no." The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team -- from the team owner to the bat boy." Bill thinks about it. He almost agrees, then changes his mind. So, the agent tells him, "The fans would love it!" Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby..." With that, Bill gets up. He grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants. He lifts her up, and tosses her over the wall, onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "!^$#@&!&!" The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The agent replies, "Sir, I said, that they wanted you to throw out the first PITCH!"

Most of these aren't all that bad. In fact most of them are "purdy daaammm guud".

Sorry about that Merlin, I didn't realize it was aready taken.

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible. 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. 5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal? 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. 8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal? 9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. 10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. 11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney. 12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal? 14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH." 15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers. 16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal???? 18. Both you AND your dog have therapists. 19. The Terminator is your governor. 20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False Pornography is the business of making records. True or False Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False

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