Esther

toothguy - Thanks for the suggestion! Diabetics are actually supposed to follow something similar to the Atkins diet - low simple carbs, high protein, lots of veggies and water. Alex - Thanks! A lot of people have some kind of ache that follows them throughout their lives. Some people want to be in a romantic relationship, but aren't; others want children, but can't. Some have chronic illnesses or a child with Down's Syndrome. My recurring ache is to do great work that I love.* I've bounced a lot from one kind of work to another. I studied Neuroscience in college. Then I worked at Google. Then I left to freelance as a makeup artist because I thought I wanted to do makeup for models and celebrities on the covers of Vogue. (But that world is full of shallowness, materialism, and celebrity worship that I find nauseating...) Along the way, I tutored high school students in every subject except Spanish. Then I applied to business school because I thought I should do something. That turned out to be a bad idea. I love working. I want to do great work. I just don't know what it is yet. Closely related to that is the ache of being an artist. From what I've read and seen, I think that almost all artists struggle with this to some degree, at least until they are "successful." It's a funny blend of determination, loneliness, optimism, and "oh shit I'm f*#ked" / "I suck." I had thought that the root cause of gobbling was pursuing a path that I didn't truly want (medicine, then business) to earn the approval of my parents and the larger society, but it seems that was only part of it. Maybe (probably, almost certainly) this emptiness/fear/uncertainty/longing is what I have to learn to live with and work in spite of. And at the very least not gobble about. There are a few quotes that I think of, sometimes, when I feel this way (which is often ): "Your twenties are always an apprenticeship, but you don't always know what for." (Jan Houtema) "Like many people [in my twenties], I spent a lot of time worrying about what I should do. I also spent some time trying to build stuff. I should have spent less time worrying and more time building. If you're not sure what to do, make something." (Paul Graham) "Sometimes jumping from one sort of work to another is a sign of energy, and sometimes it's a sign of laziness. Are you dropping out, or boldly carving a new path? You often can't tell yourself. Plenty of people who will later do great things seem like disappointments early on, when they're trying to find their niche." (Paul Graham) I hope he's right. And of course, I might not live long enough to do great things/drop 15 pounds/fix diabetes/find my niche, so I have to relax and enjoy right now. * I don't think that my ache is worse than anyone else's. (My best friend, for example, is 48 and often tells me that I have everything she ever wanted: the love of a good man and the chance to have my own family.) But it's mine, so I feel it much more acutely.

Jon - Not yet, but I will! diehli - Cool, you shoot an XDM too? Darn, I like the grip tape a lot. Last night, I mega uber gobbled. I came home late at night exhausted from work and gobbled everything in sight. (And then I dreamed about vampires who were fattening me up to eat me...) I've seen therapists. I've kept food journals. I've banned gobble food from the house. I've tried being kind to myself. (That works.) I've reached out to friends. (That helps too.) I've worked on mindfulness, which, as far as I can tell, just means paying attention. (That helps when I can do it.) I've gone off sugar and gluten. (That also helps when I do it.) I've gone to Overeaters Anonymous groups. (They help a lot of people, but I find the slavish following of 12 Steps irritating. I also hate the philosophy that once you are an addict, you are always an addict.*) Sometimes I feel like the woman in the gospel who spent everything she had, and was no better. * Maybe this is a semantic distinction, but it's important to me to feel like I am not at core an addict. Gobbling is and has been a big part of my life for a third of my life so far, but I don't want to control an addiction forever. I want to be healed. Normal. It's been a really busy week and I've barely had time to touch my gun - let alone to drive to San Jose and fill out the paperwork for my new one! - but I joined USPSA! (Thanks Jon and David (56hawk) for prodding me.)

Jon - I created a Flickr account just for you! Here is a picture of my new gun. She's a competition version XDM 9mm with a trigger job. She's in transit to Metal Dog Tactical (thanks Alex! ), where she's getting a single shot exemption and having her 19-round mags blocked. And then I have to wait 10 days because we're in CA. Tonight's shooting-related thankful item: 6) dry-firing at neon post-its that I pasted around the house. I worked on getting my first shot off quickly without disturbing my sights, quickly making up "misses," and firing once I have an acceptable instead of perfect sight picture. I wish 3M would make post-its of USPSA targets and no-shoots. :-)

toothguy - Thanks for posting that! Very interesting that our region of visual focus is only about the width of a thumb. Time is a very curious phenomenon. All that feels/is real* is this moment, but time flows too, and before you know it, the future is here. I left business school and went on medical leave in November 2012. If I had just stuck to not gobbling then, I would be well on my way to healing by now. 3-6 months sounds like a long time, but it's really not. (How many times have you thought, "I can't believe it's March of 19xy already!"?) And if I string together enough non-gobbly moments, then I will be in much better health 6 months from now. But to do that I have to stay in the present. * There is an interesting philosophical debate about whether the present moment is all that exists, or whether all of space-time tenselessly exists. (i.e., are the past and future real even though they're not right now, the way that Antarctica is real even though it's not right here??? ) Tonight's shooting-related thankful item: 6) dry-firing shooting on the move. How do you guys call your shots while dry-firing on the move? (I know it's the same as calling shots otherwise, but when I'm moving fast and the sights are wobbling, it's hard for me to know precisely where my shots would land...)

Rob - So true! As a tutor, I regularly come across parents who think that their kids "understand the material; they just don't test well." I have to explain that the reason their kids don't test well is that they don't understand the material. Aglifter - Thanks, Brandon! That's a very good question. The best explanation of compulsive behavior I've come across is the neuroscientist Jeff Schwartz's. At some point in a person's life, he or she learns to deal with a major stressor through some substance or behavior. The person's brain learns to pair the substance with relief. Later on, even if the initial stressor is removed, the person still feels compelled to turn to the addictive behavior to cope with all sorts of unrelated stressors. Gobbling began as a way for me to cope with a major conflict in my life, but over time, has morphed into a way of dealing with legitimate fears (like not reaching an audience in my lifetime) as well as stupid stressors (like being stuck in traffic). Today's shooting-related thankful items: 3) shooting at Reed's. I only got to shoot for 45 minutes, but I got to tell Dan, Jason, and Rick about my first match and show them pictures of my new gun! Jason joked (sort of) that soon I'll be sponsored. ;-) 4) dry-firing my draw and reloads 5) signing up for Louis Awerbuck's stage 2 class on March 23-24. After I take this, I'll be able to draw from the holster at Reed's!

Steve - Thanks. I read it again carefully. It's been a discouraging few days. I'm heavier and my blood sugars are higher than ever. I wanted to go for a run but my knees have been hurting since I got back from Oregon. (I'm not sure why, maybe it was all the sitting in small cars and/or wearing my sneakers instead of my normal Naot sandals.) I've studied and tried to solve this compulsive behavior from so many different perspectives - medical, biological, sociocultural, psychological, spiritual *- and it just doesn't melt away. I talked to my friend and he said that I am in control of who I am and who I become and what I do. I need to DECIDE to never gobble ever again. And I did. And then I gobbled. And then I gobbled again. (So I must not have REALLY decided, or something...) Eastern Orthodox Christians have a beautiful concept of growing into the likeness of God. You start out with the image of God and grow (through effort and by grace) into the likeness of God. In other words, you start out with potential, freedom, rationality; but it takes work to attain the likeness of and communion with God. Lanny Bassham (and Steve Anderson ) say that your self-image becomes your reality. Well, who is the likeness that Esther wants to grow into? Beautiful, artistic, wise, compassionate, pure... I want to be the Esther who lives and grows into eternity. Who shoots amazingly and writes beautiful, meaningful, lasting things. This is a shooting diary, not a monastic journal. I will have more shooting updates soon. * It's interesting to me that no one REALLY seems to understand or know how to treat addictions. (The relapse rate from rehab centers, for instance, is stunningly high.) Groups like AA work for many people, but not everyone, and medical professionals don't quite understand why they work (i.e., Is it the community? the belief in a higher power? being accountable to a sponsor?). Some former addicts have a story of how they hit "rock bottom" and just decided to quit, and succeeded. Others go through more of an ebb-and-flow process. In my opinion, there is no 12 Step Plan/Intuitive Eating program/Four Steps of Mindfulness that you can follow and be guaranteed to heal. It's kind of like becoming a great shooter. I know the capability is within me, and others can and do help, but there is no, "Do this to get that." I've found Brian's advice to be helpful (paraphrased): "Try everything. Keep what works. Discard the rest. If you pay attention you will find the way that suits you and your temperament."

Jon - Haha! And thanks! I finished 14th out of 44 shooters. I had one procedural penalty that cost me 20 seconds (the first stage was a weird one where you had to draw and shoot from the hip two SHO, then transfer and shoot two WHO without acquiring a sight picture. I raised my gun too high and got a penalty). Had I not incurred the procedural, I would have finished eighth. Things I was happy with: - shooting a smooth, clean match and calling almost all of my shots - successfully incorporating major changes that I had made to my grip, recoil management, and draw the day before. My support hand didn't slip for any of my shots! - my mag changes (I still need to get faster at these though...) Things I need to work on: - shooting at targets from awkward angles and positions. The hardest stage for me was one in which we had to use cover and shoot at targets from tight angles. - shooting on the move and without having a 100% stable position. - pressing the trigger before my sights are completely settled. - my draw - planning the best way to shoot a stage, which may not be the most comfortable or obvious. And keeping track of round count and finding markers on the ground to move to. Things I need to remember: - Always look behind targets! There were two shoot targets that could have been lined up and shot with two rounds (2 rounds, 4 A's). - If you hit a hostage (I didn't in this match), follow it up with a hit! Don't incur a no-shoot and a miss penalty!* * I watched Skyfall last night, and in the opening scene, Naomie Harris' character makes this mistake by accidentally shooting Bond and then, instead of following it up with a clear shot at the bad guy, lowering her gun.

Rob and SFGuild4 - Thanks for the advice on seeing what I need to see! Monica - That's so cool that you spend most of your spare time moving. I'm not exactly sessile, like a sponge, but I'm not nearly as athletic as you are. Highlights from the weekend: 1) finally fixing my recoil management issues so that my grip no longer slides in between shots. I had been over-gripping the gun and tensing my body in anticipation of recoil. Jeremy had me grip the gun as loosely as possible so that I would see just how little pressure it took to keep my support hand on the gun. I fired several magazines into the berm without aiming at anything to get the feel of keeping my wrists flexible and both hands on the gun between fast successive shots. I can shoot .3 splits easily now! We also changed my grip so that more of my strong hand contacts the gun's surface. 2) setting up a practice stage and shooting it. The first time Jeremy hit the buzzer, my mind went blank and I just blasted at brown until halfway through when I remembered to call my shots! 3) shooting my first competition!!! :) My goal was to shoot slow and smooth and call all A's. I didn't quite manage all A's (I shot four C's, two of which I made up with A's), but I was happy with how I performed overall. I didn't get nervous, shot at my natural pace and called almost every shot, and had fun.* Jeremy helped me with the stage planning and let me shoot his 9mm competition XDM with the 19-round mags! 4) finding a competition gun! I fell in love with Jeremy's 9mm XDM with Powder River trigger and grip tape. The gun is so light and balanced, there is barely any recoil, and the trigger pulls like a dream. * The only part I didn't enjoy about the competition was how much waiting around there is between my turns to shoot!

The next few days I am shooting in Oregon with one of my best friends. I successfully checked guns on a plane for the first time, and it was a pain in the butt. I can see why so many shooters prefer to drive whenever possible. Andy - Thanks for the advice! You're absolutely right that my grip needs work. I learned today that I can be contacting more of the gun's surface than I had been. Also finally learned how to adjust my feet and hip to find my Natural Point of Aim. Monica - Thanks! Hello from hibernation!

Chris, that is so nice. Thank you! I too am so grateful for all the friends I have made and am making through shooting - and I'm only just starting! :-) Re: being like SA and BS - you can and will, if you want to! I think we also all owe a lot to Brian, without whose forum and example many of these friendships, connections, and mentoring relationships might never have developed. What do you love about shooting?

Jon - Not this weekend, I'm out of town. But the next! And thank you! Xcaliber - Thanks for reading my range diary and sharing your insights. You can quit smoking! Today was an uneventful shooting day. Thankful item: 3) Alex giving me really helpful advice on gun choices and where to get a single shot exemption in the Bay Area

digby7 - 3 seconds between each shot??! And, congratulations on the A card!!! BritinUSA, GuildSF4, and Tim - Thanks for the suggestions! I don't think I was blinking yesterday. I think it's that I was shooting that quickly for the first time, and so all of my attention was focused in my hands. There seems to be a limit on how much sensory data you can attend to at one moment. Now that I know how it feels to shoot faster, I can bring my attention to my eyes and see what is going on at that speed. I'll let you know what I see.

BritinUSA - Glad to know I'm not the only one who's dense like that! GuildSF4 - Thanks! Tim - Thanks for the wise and encouraging words. I suspect you're right. Tonight's thankful items: 1) running 4 sets of .75 mile repeats at 7- to 7:30-minute mile pace and 5 miles total. By this time next year I want to run 2 miles in 12:20 (6:10-minute mile pace). Running doesn't have that much to do with shooting (though you move a little bit every time your heart beats, and your fine motor control deteriorates when your muscles get less oxygen, so being fitter helps somewhat), but willpower is like a muscle. Deciding to do something, and doing it, increases your confidence that you can do anything you set your mind to, and that is important. 5) making a start on becoming a much faster shooter. Before today, getting A zone hits I could do .6-.7 splits. That is way too slow. I had thought it was a problem with my recoil management (and that is an issue I need to work on. My grip tends to slip between every few shots...) Steve told me he doesn't think that is the main issue. It's that I don't know how fast I can go. Reed's Indoor Range has a rule against shooting faster than 1 shot per second. I try not to dip too far below that. But today, after unsuccessfully trying to shoot A hits faster, I thought "what the hell" and aimed at nothing, just the blue of the target, and pulled the trigger as fast as I can. .18-.25 splits. Wow. That was a revelation. I didn't know I could pull the trigger that fast. (I am sure I can do it faster if I practice.) But I barely saw anything at all. I wasn't reading my sights, I didn't know where my shots landed. (They landed all over the paper.) All of my awareness was in my finger and my hands. Wow. I want to try that again and just see what I see. Now that I know how it feels to shoot fast, I need to see what it looks like. And then control it. I know I can shoot all A's at that speed. Just not yet. How can I train myself to see faster?

Like (I suspect) a lot of goal- and future-oriented people, I find it challenging to stay in the present. I catch myself thinking: "When I become the shooter I want,* I will be happy." or, "When Max and I are reunited for good, I will be happy." or, "When I can afford to shoot 1,000 rounds a week..." And I forget that everything I have is right here, right now. Becoming a great shooter is sort of in my control but not really. But how much fun I have practicing, how hard I work, how much I value the friends I make through shooting, are. Today's shooting-related thankful items: 1) dry-firing. I am really itching to go to the range, but every round is precious and I want to make the most of each one. 2) running 2.7 miles of .3 mile repeats at 6-minute mile pace and doing weights * I realize that the top guys never see themselves as having "arrived," and that is why they are so good. What I meant is, "When I become a much better shooter than I currently am and achieve some of my shooting milestones."

Jon - Thanks! Aglifter - Good question. Now that I'm applying more pressure to the gun overall, my shoulders are joining in on the effort. Being on opposite coasts from the one I love sucks (Max is in DC, and I am in Bay Area CA), but so does being in DC without a firearm. (Not that Northern California is all that great when it comes to being able to shoot what and how I want...)

Kita - Thanks! And, awesome profile pic! Donovan and Ben - Isn't this thread veering a little off topic?

Shooting-related thankful items from yesterday: 2) talking to Steve about shooting and life. He has an idea about the (main) reason my splits are so slow. I can't wait to get back to the range and try it. From today: 2) practicing transitions in Max's tiny apartment with an XDM blue gun Does anyone have suggestions for a S&W m&p holster that is Production-legal? I want to practice first shots from draw in live fire using my .22 pistol to save cents. Thanks!

Ben and Chris - Thanks for the suggestions! Here, Steve Anderson talks about imagining what MoreGooderBetter version of him would do to get down, REALLY down, and then emulating that person. How would MoreGooderBetter Esther react after a gobble? My first thought is, MoreGooderBetter Esther doesn't gobble. (She's also confident and pretty and all the things I imagine I'm not.) That's outside the constraints. Try again. I don't know. I guess she would do what I am trying to do right now, which is be honest and compassionate and accepting of myself. And be the kind of role model to herself that I want of someone who isn't perfect, isn't a "natural," but does great things anyway. [edit] Yesterday's thankful items: 3) Cullen and Steve Anderson looking out for me 6) having a really funny (but serious) conversation with Max about the lessons I've learned in the short time I've kept a shooting diary (e.g., short paragraphs, frequent posts, linking to and acknowledging other people's contributions). It's really interesting; I feel like I'm learning a lot about business and building an audience. Max said I'm learning the lessons in Dale Carnegie's classic How to Win Friends and Influence People. (Then he added, "Except it actually works for you, because you need to be genuinely interested in and not just pretend to be interested in people. I can't do it, but you do it naturally." :-)) He also said I could have a niche as a popular shooting blogger because I am "smart, a good writer, genuinely interested in other people, female, and pretty." :-) And then we laughed at the prospect of people asking what his wife does, and Max responding, "She's a writer and a shooter." "Oh, what does she write about?" "Mostly shooting." :-| :-) !

The next five days I am in Washington, DC, visiting my beloved. That means I am without a gun. Suggestions on how I can practice?

Rob - "Life's a garden, dig it!" Love. Thanks for the tip. I know you're right that it's in the struggle and not the success that the real gain (and fun) appears. Tonight's thankful items: 2) Rob Leatham giving me advice on recoil management and posting in my range journal! Omg! 3) having a good range session and making progress on my recoil control. I followed Rob's and others' advice and clamped down on the gun as tight as I could. I don't know if I was squeezing 70/30 or 60/40; I was just holding on really hard. I noticed an immediate difference: the sights weren't lifting as high or taking as long to settle. I also noticed something that Bo's pointed out before: that when I grip harder, I can get away with a less precise trigger pull and still make A zone hits. By the end, I was shooting my first shot in .83-.93 sec (from low ready, since I can't draw from holster) and splitting about .53-.61 between shots. Not where I want to be yet, but definitely a big improvement from what I was shooting before! In total, I shot 150 rounds from 7-10 yards, all rapid-fire. I need to be a lot stronger and grip a lot harder during dry-fire. 4) Chris (grapemeister) sending me a really nice email about how he got into practical shooting and what he loves about it. He wrote: "I knew that the game would change my life, or I would have to change my life in order to participate and be successful at [it]."

Thanks, Donovan! You rock!

Hey Bo - I haven't read the rest of the replies, but today I had an experience that makes me think you're onto something. I'd been having a lot of problems with recoil control - specifically, my support hand would tend to slide forward in between shots - and I couldn't figure out how to fix it. At Rob's and several others' suggestion, I clamped down really hard on my pistol. I noticed immediately that my grip stopped sliding between shots (or rather, I could fire more shots before it started slipping), but also that I was getting away with a lot less precise trigger pulls than I usually do and still getting A hits.

One time when I was feeling discouraged after a gobble, I told my close friend who had been one of my tutoring students that I am sorry this is so hard for me. She replied, "You silly goose! What would say if I said, 'I'm sorry that calculus is so hard for me?' You would be totally amazing and say, 'Don't apologize. It's understandable. You can do this!" She's right. Last night was a mega gobble, and I am tempted to beat myself up for taking SO long to master a skill that most people do as a matter of course. (But sometimes I forget that other things come naturally to me that other people have to work hard for.) So I am not going to apologize. I am doing my best, I am going to beat this, and you all are helping me. (Thank you!!!! ) Also, I am trying a different way of keeping track of non-gobbly days. I am trying to set positive goals and give myself a way of distinguishing between six cookies late at night and four pounds of chocolate. From now on, I get to put $5 in my jar if a day is 90% alphas (non-gobble foods) by volume.* * I realize 10% gobble foods by volume is >10% in calories. Don't feel like you need to point it out.

caspian guy - I may have misdescribed my grip. My thumbs are sitting on top of each other facing forward with the second knuckle of my strong hand thumb sitting approximately above the first knuckle of my support hand thumb. BritinUSA - I have the regular grips that came with the CZ. digby7 - Thanks so much! I think that's right - I need to have a much greater maximum grip strength so that I can use a relatively relaxed grip and still handle the gun. Aglifter - My shoulders aren't doing anything special; they're helping to hold the gun out but are otherwise pretty relaxed. Jon - Thanks! And could you please spot my recoil management next time?

Thanks, guys! I am shooting a CZ 75B 9mm. It's relatively heavy as far as pistols go, so I don't think the absolute amount of recoil is the problem. Though - today I shot an XD .40 and noticed a sharper kick, probably because of the lighter polymer frame. GreenDragon64 - Thanks for the grip tape suggestion. chipdouglas - I think my hand positioning is the same as yours; I said wrists but really the bump of my support hand is sitting right underneath the first knuckle of my firing hand. carlosa - I'll try those rapid-fire drills the next time at the range. I hesitate to dump 9mm's like that (I almost see dollar bills flying downrange! ), but I really need to fix this. Poppa Bear - Okay, I'll try paying more attention to anchoring my hands together. CocoBolo - Thanks - I'm already shooting with a slight forward lean. The funny thing is, my sights used to track very consistently when I used a nice relaxed grip with both hands and didn't introduce any extraneous pressure. (My support hand would slide forward all the time, but I still shot ragged holes at 10 yds with 10-round mags.) But ever since I learned that my grip should not change while shooting and tried to correct it, my sights haven't been tracking as beautifully.