Rodney Dangerfield

[Ed K]

The late great Rodney Dangerfield.

I had the pleasure of working with him many times in the early 80's. He was just as funny and personable off stage as on.

1. I WAS SO POOR GROWING UP.. IF I WASN'T A BOY.. I'D HAVE HAD

NOTHING TO PLAY WITH.

2. A GIRL PHONED ME THE OTHER DAY AND SAID, "COME ON OVER;

NOBODY'S HOME. I WENT OVER. NOBODY WAS HOME.

3. DURING SEX, MY GIRLFRIEND ALWAYS WANTS TO TALK TO ME.

JUST THE OTHER NIGHT SHE CALLED ME FROM A HOTEL.

4. ONE DAY I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ... I SAW A GUY JOGGING NAKED.

I SAID TO THE GUY, "HEY BUDDY, WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?"

HE SAID, "BECAUSE YOU CAME HOME EARLY."

5. IT'S BEEN A ROUGH DAY. I GOT UP THIS MORNING... PUT ON A SHIRT AND

A BUTTON FELL OFF. I PICKED UP MY BRIEFCASE, AND THE HANDLE CAME OFF.

I'M AFRAID TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

6. I WAS SUCH AN UGLY KID... WHEN I PLAYED IN THE SANDBOX, THE CAT KEPT

COVERING ME UP.

7. I COULD TELL MY PARENTS HATED ME. MY BATH TOYS WERE A TOASTER AND A RADIO.

8. I WAS SUCH AN UGLY BABY...MY MOTHER NEVER BREAST FED ME. SHE TOLD ME

THAT SHE ONLY LIKED ME AS A FRIEND.

9. I'M SO UGLY... MY FATHER CARRIES AROUND A PICTURE OF THE KID WHO CAME

WITH HIS WALLET.

10. WHEN I WAS BORN, THE DOCTOR CAME INTO THE WAITING ROOM AND SAID TO MY

FATHER, "I'M SORRY. WE DID EVERYTHING WE COULD, BUT HE PULLED THROUGH."

11. I'M SO UGLY... MY MOTHER HAD MORNING SICKNESS... AFTER I WAS BORN.

12. I REMEMBER THE TIME THAT I WAS KIDNAPPED AND THEY SENT A PIECE OF MY

FINGER TO MY FATHER. HE SAID HE WANTED MORE PROOF.

13. ONCE WHEN I WAS LOST, I SAW A POLICEMAN, AND ASKED HIM TO HELP ME FIND

MY PARENTS. I SAID TO HIM, "DO YOU THINK WE'LL EVER FIND THEM?"

HE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW KID. THERE'S SO MANY PLACES THEY CAN HIDE."

14. MY WIFE MADE ME JOIN A BRIDGE CLUB. I JUMP OFF NEXT TUESDAY.

15. I'M SO UGLY... I WORKED IN A PET SHOP, AND PEOPLE KEPT ASKING HOW BIG I'D GET.

16. I WENT TO SEE MY DOCTOR. "DOCTOR, EVERY MORNING WHEN I GET UP AND LOOK

IN THE MIRROR..I FEEL LIKE THROWING UP; WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?"

HE SAID... "I DON'T KNOW BUT YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT."

17. I WENT TO THE DOCTOR BECAUSE I'D SWALLOWED A BOTTLE OF SLEEPING PILLS.

MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO HAVE A FEW DRINKS AND GET SOME REST.

18. WITH MY OLD MAN I GOT NO RESPECT. I ASKED HIM, "HOW CAN I GET MY KITE IN

THE AIR?" HE TOLD ME TO RUN OFF A CLIFF.

19. SOME DOG I GOT. WE CALL HIM EGYPT BECAUSE IN EVERY ROOM HE LEAVES A

PYRAMID. HIS FAVORITE BONE IS IN MY ARM. LAST NIGHT HE WENT ON THE

PAPER FOUR TIMES - THREE OF THOSE TIMES I WAS READING IT.

20. ONE YEAR THEY WANTED TO MAKE ME POSTER BOY - FOR BIRTH CONTROL.

21. MY UNCLE'S DYING WISH WAS TO HAVE ME SITTING IN HIS LAP;

HE WAS IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.

BONUS: WHEN I WAS A KID I ASKED MY FATHER TO TAKE ME ICE SKATING.

HE SAID, "WAIT 'TILL IT GETS WARMER."

[Tom S.]

Rodney was one of the really great comedians. Too bad he had such a troubled life. Thanks for the post.

[fiddler]

More from Rodney Dangerfield:

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I met the Surgeon General - he offered me a cigarette.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Rodney was the best.

[Ed K]

Remember his doctor's name?

Dr. Vinnie Goomba

[oddjob]

I saw him at Harrah's in Lake Tahoe and I swear I missed a good 25% of his show because I was laughing so hard from a previous joke. There was a deputy sheriff from my old department who was able to a good Rodney impression. He once (after a few drinks) did a Rodney routine for 20 minutes in a bar and got a standing ovation afterwards, because people loved Rodney. Ed K......what did you do with Rodney??

[Ed K]

Oddjob;

I worked as a stage lighting designer for a Minneapolis based supper club at the time. Lots of the old great comedians came through. From Bob Hope and Bob Newhart to David Brenner and Dom DeLuise. It was an experience.

Ed

[outerlimits]

forgot this one:

i remember the first time i had sex...i was scared to death, i was all alone.