Types of Sex...

[nvmichael]

Types of Sex..... - Good for a Laugh!

PENSION SEX

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'

'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'

'Pension sex?'

'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,

'I've got a big problem, doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,

He lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.

I don't see what the problem is.'

'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife

during a recent lovemaking session,

'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'

She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,

but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him

to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their

40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting

you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,

'This will make you happy tonight.'

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,

I squirted it all over the doorknobs.

He couldn't get back in.

ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found

her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony

of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder,

the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, 'Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...

He could also fly.'

[Got Juice?]

Here's Juicey's take on things.....

Premarital Sex : The act of sex performed in every room, in any position, any time, any place, multiple orgasms, shag till it hurts to pee afterwards. Oughta be a law against it!

Marital Sex: The act of sex divided by 2. 50% for fun, 50% for species replication. Typically it happens only in bedroom, when the moon is right, etc etc.

More than likely an orgasm will take place, with a 30% chance someone IS faking it.

Post Childbirth Sex : The sexual reproductive drive cycle is complete. And since the kids are sleeping, you are either having sex with your sleeping partner who will orgasm,

and then chew you a new one because you woke her up. In defence of the arse chewing, you are allowed to have sex with yourself. Not only is it permissable

but you DO NOT have to fake your own orgasm.

Sex while teens live with you : Sex happens only when both married couples are consensual. Anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas. Yup, 3 days a year, you lucky dog. BUT, if

the teenagers are still up, and it's your birthday, tough noogies, you ain't getting any play. Better luck next year.

Sex when you are an empty nester: This is the most special time for a couple. No kids to wake up, the big snip or cut has been done, it's a wildly free period in your life to

enjoy this sexual bliss. Nothing can stop either of you from now experiencing the joy of sex to it's fullest! Congratulate yourself by

buying the wife a new 'present' tantric sex books, joy of sex books, and perhaps a toy or two. Unfortunately this is also about the time your

wife and you discover a whole new kind of sex. Between erectile dysfunction, and menopause.... we all know what is coming next....

Sex in it's final stages: Wow. Mind blowing. Most amazing, expressive sex in the world. It happens even more regularly than premarital sex. As you pass your darling bride

(AKA Hallway Sex) or Handsome groom in the hallway, you turn towards each other, and with all the passion you can muster say F### Y##!

Enjoy!

[JimmyZip]

Both excellent!

[fiddler]

Rodeo Sex

When you you're behind your wife and you reach around and give her a nice squeeze and say "Wow, these feel just like your sister's".

Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.

[dcarter]

Rodeo Sex

When you you're behind your wife and you reach around and give her a nice squeeze and say "Wow, these feel just like your sister's".

Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.

Even if you last 8 seconds you KNOW you are sleeping in the barn.