Alright, I'm gonna update this partially as a help if anyone else has a similar problem.
I managed to get it working after a break from tinkering and then some work with better tools (dear lord how much easier things are with better tools!)
I managed to push the firing pin down enough to get the firing pin retainer out (the firing pin did NOT want to go down, or be released enough for it to be removed. Crazy when you watch videos and people just pluck em out).
Next problem was that the firing pin was stuck real good. This took a few days to finangle with (lots of wd40 at this point), until I finally found a metal rod with a little divot at the end where the firing pin could sit which would fit down the slide, and a handful of hammerblows later it was unstuck. Real anticlimactic considering my heavy efforts without proper tools.
The extractor pin soon followed, and I started playing around with the whole assembly, figuring out why it had gotten stuck.
My conclusion is that the firing pin was probably rotated the wrong way, somehow. I have no idea how it managed to get that way on its own (I had not done anything to the slide when I did my original teardown to change the magrelease) but it is possible I reassembled it poorly at some point and did the hammer assembly weird (There was a point where I did not get the hammer to catch properly and interact with the trigger mechanism. Dont know if that did it, but its the closest I can figure without mucking about with it again).
Also the firing pin safety had some small indents in it, which could be the cause.
I degreased everything with 99% alcohol, relubed with the original gunoil, wiped down all excess, and then installed it "correctly" (rotated 45 degrees from where it was I think) Now it moves and works like in the disassembly/assembyvideos I have found. I have not tried it at the range yet, as it is an outdoor range and it is snowing right now, and I have work in an hour. Will update, perhaps with pictures of what I did, in case someone else has a similar problem in the future.
Thanks for all the comments and help, I have enjoyed troubleshooting this thing despite it all.