Anubis Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Dear Cretins, I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - w**kers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief then quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
little_kahuna Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 ....epic.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SLM Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 WOW! I've written some scathing letters but that is by far and away the greatest complaint letter I've had the pleasure to read! Somebody deserves an award for that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
austinkroe Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 My new goal in life is to have a grasp on the English language such that I can pin letters with the wit and voracity that man has used. Limited shooting must now take a back seat to eloquence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dajarrel Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Can we use that as a form letter??? dj Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisStock Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Can we use that as a form letter??? dj Oh, that thought already occurred to me as I copied and pasted it into Notepad+ and am busy adjusting the names and places to reflect my unbearable agitation with Verizon FIOS over the last 23 months. Sweet find, and yes, if I ever met the wrrier of this, dinner and drinks would be on me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genghis Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 I once hired a process server company to serve five subpoenas, and they managed to locate one (1) of the witnesses. They billed me for all five, and sent a collection letter. My response pointed out their inadequacies and suggested that if they chose to take legal action over the matter, they might want to hire someone else to serve me with the lawsuit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grandbagger Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 awesome.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SiG Lady Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 HOLY CRAP...!! (cat crap, that is.) "...useless shower of bastards..." That's quite a visual! Kind-of Monty Python-esque, in fact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carinab Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy Brilliance! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GentlemanJim Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Ahh....whats the address for congress Jim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Just write your own! I did a test sample for you as follows: No other topic is more important and explains better the demise of our society than the saga of Mr. Flex Money. Although not without overlap and simplification, I plan to identify three primary positions on Flex's scribblings. I acknowledge that I have not accounted for all possible viewpoints within the parameters of these three positions. Nevertheless, most of you reading this letter have your hearts in the right place. Now follow your hearts with actions. I feel no shame in writing that Flex is like a magician who produces a dove in one hand while the other hand is busy trying to deny citizens the ability to become informed about the destruction that he is capable of. If I had my druthers, he would never have had the opportunity to cripple his enemies politically, economically, socially, morally, and psychologically. As it stands, Flex sees himself as a postmodern equivalent of Marx's proletariat, revolutionizing the world by wresting it from its oppressors (viz., those who seek some structure in which the cacophony introduced by his insults might be systematized, reconciled, and made rational). The justification he gave for forcing me to have a nervous breakdown was one of the most disorganized justifications I've ever heard. It was so disorganized, in fact, that I will not repeat it here. Even without hearing the details you can still see my point quite clearly: Everyone ought to read my award-winning essay, "The Naked Aggression of Flex Money". In it, I chronicle all of Flex's whinges from the spineless to the peremptory and conclude that from the perspective of those inside Flex's gang, if Flex kicks us in the teeth we'll then lick his toes and beg for another kick. The reality, however, is that we ought to place a high value on honor and self-respect. That'll make Flex think once -- I would have said "twice" but I don't see any indication that he has previously given any thought to the matter -- before trying to cater to the basest instincts of crafty chuckleheads. Even without the piteous ideology of sexism in the picture, we can still say that my job now and for the immediate future -- our job -- is to beat Flex at his own game. Let me express that same thought in slightly different terms: Flex has the nerve to call those of us who snap his legatees out of their trance "conspiracy theorists". No, we're "conspiracy revealers" because we reveal that no matter how bad you think Flex's cajoleries are, I assure you that they are far, far worse than you think. Flex is extraordinarily brazen. We've all known that for a long time. However, his willingness to elevate intransigent pop psychologists to the sublime sets a new world record for brazenness. Finally, any mistakes in this letter are strictly my fault. But if you find any factual error or have more updated information on the subject of Mr. Flex Money, Flex-inspired versions of hooliganism, etc., please tell me so I can write an even stronger letter next time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisStock Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Nice link, Merlin....ran through a dozen different ones and none seem to fit the bill quite right. I'll keep plugging away even after I already altered my heisted letter to Verizon to suit me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lneel Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 Wow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin c Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 wassa whinge? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Run n Gun Posted October 1, 2008 Share Posted October 1, 2008 wassa whinge? –verb (used without object), whinged, whing·ing. British and Australian Informal. to complain; whine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GentlemanJim Posted October 2, 2008 Share Posted October 2, 2008 Yeah ....Flex, turned me into a NEWT!!!! . . . . Well,....I got better Shamlessly Stolen from Monty Python Holy Grail Jim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graham Smith Posted October 2, 2008 Share Posted October 2, 2008 I'm not as eloquent, by any means, but I can write a mean complaint letter when called for. The problem is, it is basically a waste of time because the person on the other end: A. Is unlikely to understand more than 1 word in 5 of it. B. Is unlikely to care even if he/she did understand. C. Is unlikely to read more then the first sentence in any case. D. All of the above. Please mark your answer in the colored crayon of your choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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