Things You Only Do Once -

[BrianQ]

Funniest thing I ever saw...brother took a chicken and shoved its head up our horses a_-hole just after it took a dump and its tail was up. Chicken started kicking and the horse took off like a rocket.

Never take your new BB gun and shoot the bull in the "sack" while he is "sleeping". Brother did this and found that the race to the fenceline is too close for comfort.

Oh man I'm crying I'm laughing so hard!!

I think we have a winner!!

holy crap! funny stuff

crying right now!

[oldtrooper]

Working as a state trooper I pulled a speeding vehicle over on a two lane state highway. The driver stopped quickley and pulled over on a short stretch of shoulder that had too much slope from the edge of the pavement. The vehicle was left with a slight slope toward the ditch.

He got out and slammed the door and turned to face me as the passenger( most likely the wife) was trying to slide over and exit out the same side. The driver stepped back, opened the door and told her to stay inside. He turned to walk toward me and she started pushing the door open again. He stepped back and loudly stated stay in the car and slammed the door and turned away again. I could hear her yelling and he stepped back and opened the door, her finger had been caught in the door but pulled free when he opened the door to tell her to stay inside. She started screaming and shaking her hand and I could see small specks of blood hitting the windshield inside.

He looked back when he heard the yelling then turned back to face me, I said "Mister the traffic ticket I was about to issue you will pale in comparison to what you will face when you get back inside. Have a nice day sir." I got in my unit, backed around and drove away>

[frontpage]

Never siphon gas with a wet/dry shopvac!

It actually takes a minute to figure this is a bad idea. After there is good amount of gas in the shopvac. The exhaust hole looks like a top fuel drag exhaust. Blowing fire. Then BOOM! And let's hope the vehicle that you were siphoning from doesn't ignite also.

All because I did want to taste gas for a few days.

[benos]

Never siphon gas with a wet/dry shopvac!

It actually takes a minute to figure this is a bad idea. After there is good amount of gas in the shopvac. The exhaust hole looks like a top fuel drag exhaust. Blowing fire. Then BOOM! And let's hope the vehicle that you were siphoning from doesn't ignite also.

All because I did want to taste gas for a few days.

:roflol:

[a matt]

Don't ride a mechanical bull while wearing boxers. Nice... It's all good till.......ouch!! As if that wasn't bad enough the next morning you will have the worst case of blue bal_s.!

[fuentesd99]

a matt, I thought you were going to say "Kept dropping mags out of the gun by hitting the mag release in a match"? :roflol:

[MC1]

Referenced an "ex" in an arguement with my wife. Very poor decision that I still pay for. It was over 10 years ago!

[a matt]

a matt, I thought you were going to say "Kept dropping mags out of the gun by hitting the mag release in a match"? :roflol:

That's not a thing that I only do once! I seems to happen a little to often, but I THINK I have it worked out now . .??

[JimmyZip]

Funniest thing I ever saw...brother took a chicken and shoved its head up our horses a_-hole just after it took a dump and its tail was up. Chicken started kicking and the horse took off like a rocket.

Never take your new BB gun and shoot the bull in the "sack" while he is "sleeping". Brother did this and found that the race to the fenceline is too close for comfort.

Oh man I'm crying I'm laughing so hard!!

I think we have a winner!!

holy crap! funny stuff

crying right now!

meee toooo..... :roflol:

[Highsider989]

I'll never get engaged to an exotic dancer ever again.

[blaster113]

Was using an impact gun with a phillips head drill bit and managed to put the bit all the way through my thumb while building walls at the last club work day. the wall was on the floor and I was bending over at an awkward angle so of course the bit slips off the wood screw and all the way through my thumb. It hurt but surprisingly not as much as I thought it would considering the injury. saw an exit hole on the opposite of my thumb haha. wrapped it up and continued working. luckily it missed the bone, fingernail and blood vessels. won't do that shit ever again.

[AJPeacock]

Love the stories boys. I think I could right a book about things NOT to do again.

1) I will NOT accept a ride while hitchhiking, by a car full of roughnecks (oil/gas well drillers) that are all high on pot and have NO room in the car. BUT, there IS room in the trunk and you can keep the trunk open! This is a long long story, includes getting 2 4x4's stuck 10 miles from nowhere while hunting and while I had a cast on my leg. I walked to the road in the dark (midnight) in the snow and had blisters under my walking cast when I found the road. I accepted the ride and road in the trunk of that car down dirt roads at 40-60mph for 25 miles! We where airborne multiple times when we crossed cattle guards! I can still see the red glow of the tail lights as they shown into the boiling dust that was kicked up and swirling into the trunk. BTW, there was NOTHING soft in that trunk (tools, jacks, spare tire etc.

2) I will NOT be naive enough again to take a walk at 8 mile and I-75 (Detroit) while wearing my cowboy boots and hat. I was fresh off the farm (Colorado) and had just started my first job out of college (EDS).

3) I will NOT amuse myself by mixing Acetylene gas, gun powder and garbage bags. (ended up in the hospital getting my eardrum repaired).

4) I will NOT blow up an entire primer tube full of primers on my Dillon 650 again!

5) I will NOT ride a Motorcycle that a friend has just changed the oil on, without making sure that the oil plug is more than 'hand tight'. A motorcycle is hard to ride around a corner with hot oil spilling out in front of the rear tire.

6) I will NOT try to face down 5 angry dogs again. I've always been able to make a single dog back down. I'm still not sure I know what I was thinking.

7) I will NOT shoot a deer/elk at the bottom of anything called 'Hells Hole' again (unless I have a horse with me).

8) I will NOT let a horse pick me up by the skin between my nipples. I was only 10yrs old, and I beat the hell out of that horses face/eyes until she dropped me. I had the prettiest 6" diameter purple blood blister after that!

9) I will NOT kill a rattlesnake by jumping and landing on it's head with the heel of my boot again. Nor will I kill one by holding it's head down with a highlift jack and cut it's head off with my knife. That one was nearly 3' long and my mom nearly passed out when the snake wrapped it's body around my leg as I cut it's head off. I'm still amazed I survived childhood.

10) I will Never again ride on the open window of the door of a pickup, shooting anthills across the hood of the truck while my best friend drives 40mph down the backroads in Western Colorado. I was 15 and he was 14, we had rescued the truck from his grandads junkyard. No insurance, no licenses, loaded guns in the truck and the fun was shooting anthills from a moving vehicle. I was actually really really good at it. It was a LOT of fun.

11) I will Never stop a lawnmower by sticking my left foot underneath it again! Good thing I hadn't sharpened those damn blades. Drove myself to the hospital before taking the shoe off, afraid I had loose parts in there. I broke several bones (including the tiny little one under the nail of the 3rd toe). Got some pretty good cuts too. Sure ruined that shoe.

12) I will NOT accidentally step on a sleeping porcupine while elk hunting in a wilderness area again! I'm not sure which one of us was the most surprised. I do know that I'll NEVER have a heart attack from being surprised, I've passed that test!

13) I will NOT launch my salmon boat into Lake Michigan without the plug installed. 3/4 of a mile out into the lake is NO time to figure out that you have so much water around the inboard motor that you can't get on plane. We made it back to the dock and the bilge pumps cleared up the problem.

14) I will NOT hit my middle finger on my left hand, full force with a framing hammer. I never knew a finger was actually full of stuff that looks just like hamburger! All my uncle told me was "Stand on the Grass! We'll have to clean up all this blood from the concrete"

I'll stop here, I just barely met you guys

AJ

[steviesterno]

and AJ wins the internet!

[AJPeacock]

and AJ wins the internet!

I don't know about the internet, but my youthful vigor (stupidity) did win me a few scars and the ability to forecast the weather without a smart phone!

Merry Christmas,

AJ

[theblacknight]

Dont show up to your 1st section match expecting to do walk thrus during "lunch" before your afternoon squad.

[Highsider989]

5) I will NOT ride a Motorcycle that a friend has just changed the oil on, without making sure that the oil plug is more than 'hand tight'.  A motorcycle is hard to ride around a corner with hot oil spilling out in front of the rear tire.

AJ I love this one. Been there.

[JimmyZip]

Number 10 has been done with high school boys, shotguns, old Toyota land Cruiser, a search beam plugged into the ignitor, while drinking beer. We were aiming for whatever we could find. Coyotes, jackrabbits, fenceposts, no trespassing signs, the left front turn signal, nothing was safe ourselves included. I am amazed so few of us were shot. Yes I said few. There were several friends I grew up with who shot each other dove and quail hunting.

Yeah, needless to say I have different views on gun safety now. I just keep that guard up. Oh, and I don't go with those guys either.

[ekratman]

I will not turn many small fireworks into a larger one and light it without washing the powder off my hands ever again.

[rpd]

I will never try to cross the tracks under a (slow) moving freight train again. I was in 18 dumb and had to get to the other side for a party. Don't want to hop on the train and then cross over. I could get hurt that way. At the time I thought it would be cool. The grain car that almost clipped me as I ran under changed my mind, forever. Lucky that I lived through that one with all of my parts.

[forddriver]

Put wax on your new bows string after cranking the limb bolts all the way down and then practice drawing without your release and an arrow.

Will lead to a shameful trip back to the pro shop and hoping only your pride was damaged.

[Penguin]

I will never try to cross the tracks under a (slow) moving freight train again. I was in 18 dumb and had to get to the other side for a party. Don't want to hop on the train and then cross over. I could get hurt that way. At the time I thought it would be cool. The grain car that almost clipped me as I ran under changed my mind, forever. Lucky that I lived through that one with all of my parts.

HOly

[Jim Rusert]

First car experience, many years ago: Convinced that the lug nuts were stuck on the driver's side front wheel of my 1962 T-Bird, I borrowed a 24" breaker bar from my local garage guy and put some "elbow grease" on the lug nut. Turns out it was a left-hand thread. Broke the lug off & threw myself into the garage wall.

Learned then that the "L" on the end of the lug meant something.

[Biloxi23]

First car experience, many years ago: Convinced that the lug nuts were stuck on the driver's side front wheel of my 1962 T-Bird, I borrowed a 24" breaker bar from my local garage guy and put some "elbow grease" on the lug nut. Turns out it was a left-hand thread. Broke the lug off & threw myself into the garage wall.

Learned then that the "L" on the end of the lug meant something.

Old Chrylers, Pymouths and Doges had left hand threads on teh driver's side also.

[Youngeyes]

I will never again spray WD-40 into a paper shredder while it's on to stop a squeak. Paper,combustable fluid and electricity. Whooosh!?

[kneelingatlas]

Birchwood Aluminum Black is to be applied with a Q-Tip!

I poured out the bottle into a cup and submerged the part... it looked like a bubbling witch's cauldron and when I stuck my face down in it to fish out the part, I inhaled the most caustic fumes I've ever encountered. Nose burning, snot pouring out, I thought I was going to die.

Three days of a nasty head cold later I was fine. Never again...