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Things You Only Do Once -


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Male specific:

-I was a non-bleeding victim of a zipper fly….

I was not so lucky. Around 9 or 10 years old, wearing a pair of cut off jeans as a bathing suit. Zipped up in the bathroom a bit too hastily and Oooooh oh…

Ah yes; Quite a bonding moment for a young boy and his father. His father, a scissors and a pair of cutting pliers.

You won't see any Norman Rockwell painting about that one.

Edited by cas
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Male specific:

-I was a non-bleeding victim of a zipper fly….

I was not so lucky. Around 9 or 10 years old, wearing a pair of cut off jeans as a bathing suit. Zipped up in the bathroom a bit too hastily and Oooooh oh…

Ah yes; Quite a bonding moment for a young boy and his father. His father, a scissors and a pair of cutting pliers.

You won't see any Norman Rockwell painting about that one.

That bought memories, and tears to my eyes, as well as making a wincing remmberance. In my case it was Easter morning, and by brand new, never worn slacks, bought just for that day, ended up in the trash. I ended up wearingsome old Jethro Bodine looking "high-waters" to Mass and to my grandmother's. Oh, the pain!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Male specific:

-I was a non-bleeding victim of a zipper fly….

I was not so lucky. Around 9 or 10 years old, wearing a pair of cut off jeans as a bathing suit. Zipped up in the bathroom a bit too hastily and Oooooh oh…

Ah yes; Quite a bonding moment for a young boy and his father. His father, a scissors and a pair of cutting pliers.

You won't see any Norman Rockwell painting about that one.

Did your dad wonder how you got the beans above the frank?

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when I was 16 for some reason I thought I would push the bolt hold open

tab on my sks down on an empty chamber with my thumb. yep the bolt slamed closed with

my thumb in there. My first reaction was to put my thumb in my mouth and that is what I will NEVER do again

tasted like some nasty russian gun powder.

I have slamed my finger at work and such but i never put the finger in my mouth after.

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At the range to practice

I was In a hurry to set up 2 small spring loaded poppers( skinny sammies)while taking them out of the truck one popped me right in the balls at full spring.not my finest day but do enjoy shooting the carp out of that target

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  • 2 weeks later...

In 1984 I had a VW GTI on which I had spent thousands of dollars on to "make it go faster". At the time I worked for a company that had its own gasoline pump, and gasoline was part of my compensation. One day after having just filled up the tank, I was trying to pull out into the busy cross traffic of the street in front of the office. I had the wheel turned for a hard 90* left turn, and as I sat in the drive waiting for a gap between the cars that I could punch my little hot rod into, I realized that I had not reset my trip meter in the center of the dash. This realization came at pretty much the exact moment that the gap in traffic I had been waiting for opened up. All in the span of less than half a second, I thought of and did a couple of stupid things.....I stomped hard on the gas AND stabbed my arm through the spokes of the steering wheel (which had already been spun around at least once for my hard left) to reset the trip meter and jerk it back out before I had to straighten the wheel. I didn't make it. No crash resulted, but the combination of the front wheel drive torque steer that was amplified by too much horsepower and too much tire/traction, and raw panic as I began to turn head on into oncoming traffic almost broke my arm. I was so horrified by my own stupidity, that I vowed to never speak of the incident. However, reading this thread has had a therapeutic effect. Company of fools and all..... :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

Some quickies....

- Never try to smoke a cigarette by your nose to impress your drunk (as you) friend, you should take it by the wrong side...

- Never leave home with the baby without checking the diaper bag content, you should have bad surprise...

- Never, Never, NEVER do the cow sound when your wife try to extract some babymilk.

- Never rely on someone else to turn off the right 15 amp breaker...

- It's not because you turn off a breaker yesterday it still turned off today, sometime, the brother in law goes behind you...

- Don't forget to put the little blue stuff when doing a bedding with acraglass...

- No, a Kitchen knife is'nt a screwdriver, nor a hammer!

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Spend several hours welding with a MiG wearing short a sleeve V-neck, because your buddy that just gave you the five minute into to welding class didn't mention anything about having all the skin blister and fall off your biceps and neck later that night from the most intense sunburn you'll ever have in your life.

Or getting welders flash because you were tacking things without a hood... Its like someone is digging in your eye with a rusty nail. Nothing like crying in the shower at 3AM hoping to flush what you think is rust out of your eyes only to find out its a 2nd degree sunburn on your eyeball the next day...

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Welding while wearing a pair of shorts....back in the day when shorts were actually, uh, short.

Having the hammer follow on an open gun during a stage and actually think I could "fan" the last two rds fast enough to not get a FTF. Them slides move realllll fast!

Front kick a cop at an AC/DC concert to avoid an arrest. (Whats the statue of limitations?)

Try to keep up with a Kawasaki sponsored rider on the Tale of the Dragon...even if they were a girl.

Improvise a guide rod spring tool out of a target staple hastily and then let it come loose, shooting me in the finger. Note: Pulling a staple when its imbedded into your finger BONE requires a Leatherman. You dont want to have to pull twice.

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Try to keep up with a Kawasaki sponsored rider on the Tale of the Dragon...even if they were a girl.

Forget to tell the Mrs. you are working on the light fixture in the living room, so please don't flip the breaker back on.

Edited by YureiKuma
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  • 4 weeks later...

JBM (James Bond Mode) I could tell y'all Tuxedo Disaster stories for hours. Put a Tux on me in my youth and there is definitely going to be police and hospital involved before evening is over.

College/Party/Formal/Tuxedo/Girls/4th Story Apt/Rope/Lots of Booze...

I had acquired a 40-50' two inch cotton rope somewhere and my new sport was "attempting" to put up ziplines across apartment decks. On this particular occasion I had recently learned the Dulfersitz Method of rappelling with out a harness by running the rope between legs and around buttock/hip then across chest over shoulder and down the back into your break hand. This is friction method of rappelling and your balls and collarbone take most of the friction ;-( This is designed to use with a "climbing rope" not a cotton rope most likely borrowed from a construction site ;-)

So, at the party I decide to go JBM (James Bond Mode) and show the girls how I can use the Dulfersitz Method to rappel off the deck 4 stories in my Tux. I tie a knot with the giant thick rope not made for knots onto a thin metal guard rail then chug something frothy and over the edge I go. I manage to do this twice successfully. The 3rd time as I am going over the edge I notice the knot has come undone from the rail and I am not tied to anything. I manage to grab onto the rail before plummeting and decide not to do anymore of the DumbAss Method, I mean Dulfersitz Method that evening.

Side note when I tried to return the rented Tux it had rope burns on it so bad that I had to pay for it..... College ;-)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Do not conduct practice mag drops laying reclined on your couch wearing nothing but thin boxers-- or nothing at all. An empty mag is PLENTY to give the boys a solid knock...

Another one came to me from my youth...

Late in high school, a bunch of us decided to load up in my buddy's boat and go "jump the shark tower". It was about 60 feet at the top, and aptly named for the Nurse Sharks that constantly circled it about 10-15 feet below the surface. You could actually stand at the top and see their shadows, and it was not at all uncommon to brush one on the way down.

The jumps were relatively uneventful, despite the beer. The six of us jumped back in the boat and took off. Within a couple of minutes, the owner of the boat had an idea; he reached over, gave a "Here, hold my beer", and proceeded to jump out @ about 30. Someone else took the wheel and turned to pick him up-- only to perform the same feat as we passed him by. One by one, we all imitated the action until I was left alone in the boat with my friend Cory.

I stepped up to the wheel and made the return pass. Not to be outdone, I cranked the throttle all the way forward, set my beer in the cup holder, and took a step to make my leap.

Just before I hit the water, I heard him scream, "WAIT!"-- and suddenly realized that of the six of us, he was the only one that had not lived on the water his entire life, and had no clue how to drive that boat...

We floated around for at least 10 minutes as he sped to the far reaches of our sight, and then watched in horror as he started to make the turn at full speed. Instead of backing off, he made a long, slow loop and came roaring back towards us-- sending us scattering for our lives as he sped right through the group. On the second pass, he managed to figure it out, but we were more than happy to swim the last 20 yards to pile back in.

Fast forward a couple of years, and a return trip from college with a Bostonian friend in tow. This time, we're on the waverunner and I've learned my lesson; his experience with snow mobiles sets my mind at ease.

We proceed to play "who can toss the passenger", with the twist of standing on the very back of the thing and holding on to the ski/tow bar. This thing would absolutely fly-- the speedo clocked me at 82 over a weed bed one time, with glassy water. (Race cams and carb were installed after some knuckle headed friend of the family forgot to put the plugs in before taking it out.)

On the final run before we decided to call it quits, I decided I'd shock the shit out of him when he made his first hard turn. Anticipating the lurch, I reached forward and snagged him by the back of the life jacket, towing him with me off of the ski as we pitched and rolled.

The kill cord had not been securely fastened to his vest, and slid off, leaving the beast idling while we floundered in the water. By some blind stroke of luck, the bars ended up full over and it danced figure 8's around us for a while until I managed to intercept its path and pull myself back on. That was a MISERABLE 30 minutes, though...

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If you are a man, you will only once go to sit down on the toilet, without looking to see if the seat is down.

After getting married, you'll only leave the seat up once. The wife screams as she sits down in the dark at 3am, then comes back to bed beating your ass for said incident.

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If you are a man, you will only once go to sit down on the toilet, without looking to see if the seat is down.

After getting married, you'll only leave the seat up once. The wife screams as she sits down in the dark at 3am, then comes back to bed beating your ass for said incident.

Or you can get your behind whooped for wanting to know why she didn't check first!

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Funniest thing I ever saw...brother took a chicken and shoved its head up our horses a_-hole just after it took a dump and its tail was up. Chicken started kicking and the horse took off like a rocket.

Never take your new BB gun and shoot the bull in the "sack" while he is "sleeping". Brother did this and found that the race to the fenceline is too close for comfort.

Oh man I'm crying I'm laughing so hard!!bow.gif

I think we have a winner!!

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