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Corona Virus Humor


Alan550
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Oh Boy... you really opened the door now!

 

Day 20 of Isolation (note how alcohol seems to be a prevalent theme):

- I am starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door
- Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
- Home schooling question: Does having your children fix you mixed cocktails count as a chemistry lesson?
- You know if you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in the bed all day, but look at me now! I’m saving the world
- If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock” don’t open it.  It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home.
- I have two box's of rice.  What has happened to quality control?  One has 4581 grains and the other has 4543.
- Corona virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food.  We’re told “no” if we get too close to strangers.  And we get really excited about car rides.
- If anyone owes you money, go to their house now.  They should be home.
- If you drive by my house and 3 kids are standing in the yard, they were expelled from home school.
Homeschooling Day #3: they all graduated. #Done.
- I’m giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, punctuation typo.  I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.
opens.
- You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home schooled by day drinkers…
 
Standing by for more!
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McDonald's has only drive thru. So once again you can actually get a fresh double cheeseburger with little grease shiny hot with melted cheese. Hard to believe it took the pandemic to get good food at McDonald's again.....ooooop's lol

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My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately, that now when I pee, it cleans the toilet!

 

Home invasions should probably decline.  Everyone is home with guns and enough bleach, disinfectant and towels to clean up the scene!

 

I've been so bored I learned how to fold a fitted sheet.

 

When this over, I'm throwing the biggest St. Patrick's Easter de Mayo of July party anyone's ever seen!

 

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2 hours ago, usmc1974 said:

I hear China already has another virus to release when this one is done. I know that ain't funny but


Not funny but not far off. Sad part is, WE prob'ly gave it to them. China paid $Billion "endowments" to out top medical Universities to develop viruses for their "students" to "study". The BIG joke is on us.

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In Germany, there was going to a big antivaxxer protest march, it was cancelled because of Covid19!

 

Once there is a Covid19 vaccine, I don't want to see any antivaxxers getting one.  Bloody hypocrites!

 

If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a Doctor long before Covid19.

 

Korea is the 3rd hardest hit country from Covid19, but they still have toilet paper.  The moral of the story?  We're idiots!

 

Corona beer has changed their name to avoid association with the Coronavirus outbreak.  Their new name is Ebola Extra!

 

Mexico is considering closing it's border to stop Americans bringing Corona cases into it's country.  They claim they export that shyte beer to get that crappy beer out of the country!

 

But most importantly, has anybody let the Amish know what's going on yet?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Since everybody has started washing their hands, the peanuts at the bar have lost their taste.

 

They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.  They lied everyone else had clothes on.

 

Before Covid19 I used to cough to cover a fart.  Now I fart to cover a cough.

 

2020 is a unique leap year.  It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 10 years in April.

 

Chuck Norris has been exposed to Covid19, the virus is now in quarantine for a month.

 

Chinese doctors have confirmed the name of the first person to contract Covid19.  His name is Ah-Chu.

 

 

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How come the liquor stores don’t have empty shelves?  Don’t people understand they will be quarantined with their spouses and kids?

 

Finland just closed it’s borders, does that mean no one will be crossing the finish line?

 

What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany?  Wurst kase scenario.

 

I don’t think it’s going to be that hard to stay 6 feet away from my wife during the outbreak….that’s 94 feet closer than the restraining order says.

 

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks.  The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

 

I need to practice social distancing…..from the refrigerator.

 

For the average American, the best way to tell if you have Covid19 is to cough in a rich persons face and wait for their test results.

 

If you feel sick, please don’t waste the few Covid19 tests they have.  There are still a LOT of movie stars with no symptoms that haven’t been tested yet.  The rest of us need to STAY HOME and WASH OUR HANDS.

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  • 1 month later...
On 4/13/2020 at 2:25 PM, mvmojo said:

Oh Boy... you really opened the door now!

 

Day 20 of Isolation (note how alcohol seems to be a prevalent theme):

- I am starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door
- Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
- Home schooling question: Does having your children fix you mixed cocktails count as a chemistry lesson?
- You know if you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in the bed all day, but look at me now! I’m saving the world
- If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock” don’t open it.  It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home.
- I have two box's of rice.  What has happened to quality control?  One has 4581 grains and the other has 4543.
- Corona virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food.  We’re told “no” if we get too close to strangers.  And we get really excited about car rides.
- If anyone owes you money, go to their house now.  They should be home.
- If you drive by my house and 3 kids are standing in the yard, they were expelled from home school.
Homeschooling Day #3: they all graduated. #Done.
- I’m giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, punctuation typo.  I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.
opens.
- You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home schooled by day drinkers…
 
Standing by for more!

Hahahah these just made my day! 

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  • 3 weeks later...

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