dirtypool40 Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 (edited) Only date a Latina IF….. You need a real life demonstration of the word “passionate”. You have always been fascinated by knife fighters and wondered what it might be like to date one. You’ve thought about dating a stripper, but they always seemed too, I dunno… inhibited? You understand that air conditioning is a bad thing because it encourages people to wear too much clothing. Your inquiring mind wants to know what sort of tan lines those obscene little bikinis make on an already caramel colored body. You know of course that putting jeans on with a paint brush is the only acceptable way to get them tight enough. You are willing to accept that her business attire will include no skirt past fingertip length. And dressing for church means a "special" thong. Of course, if it's too hard to match the panties to the outfit, she may just go without. You kinda like garter belts, sure, but you're willing to admit that long, tan, bare legs, really are better. You understand that she does not own, and will never consider wearing a swimsuit suitable for introducing her to your mother in. OK, truth be told most of her swim suits would embarrass strippers. Yes, even the ones she borrowed from her grandmother. You’ve seen those Star Trek episodes where the sexy alien has some hypnotic vibe she puts out and none of the men can resist. At all. Ever. Yeah, It’s like that. It sure is hard to look for a cure when you don’t want one. You have a high heel fetish. She does not own flats, and even barefoot she walks on tip toe. Even tennis shoes have a 4" spike on them. In fact you have no idea how tall she really is, because her heels have not touched the floor since she was in 2nd grade (that's when they issue the first pair). I am not making this up, 50+ year old grannys go to weddings with skirts slit "up to there" and 5" ankle strap pumps. You recognize that “Let’s go to dinner and then dancing.” really means “you better have something to eat, pick me up around 10:30, I’ll really be ready closer to 11:15. We’ll get to the restaurant by midnight, and the club by 2-2:30am. I hope you’ve been doing your cardio, ‘cause we gonna dance till dawn. Then we’ll see what kind of energy you have in the sack, buster.” Think power bars, a camelback and Red Bull. Relax, you can sleep all you want after you're dead. Subsequently, you can accept the irony that trying to use the excuse "Not tonight honey, I'm just really tired" more than once a month will almost certainly involve the "I have needs and what's wrong with us?" speech from an angle you never thought you'd see; the receiving end. It is unlikely that you will find the energy to take a weekend “business” trip to cheat on her in another city, even if you had the inclination. It is however possible you will consider a faking a weekend business trip in another city just to get some sleep. You should also know that “I’m not in the mood” is a phrase a Latina will never understand or utter. To her it sounds remarkably like a declaration of infidelity. Consequently, you need to recognize that cheating on a Latina is a sin, the same as murder. In fact, you should know that one often leads to the other. The greatest athletes in the world are not Tiger Woods, MJ, Gretzky or Lance Armstrong, they are our Latin brothers who make the mistake of cheating. Latin men who stray are unquestionably the greatest athletes on the planet. I for one am too tired from dating a single latina to even look at another woman, (actually I think she had this planned ). But if I were to cheat, and obviously with another Latina, a marathon at a sprinter’s pace might be required if I hoped to live through the aftermath. How our Latin brothers do it and survive is beyond comprehension. Tour de France got nothing on these guys. You can accept that a spicy little thing half your weight can kick your ass, often over a silly misunderstanding. And hey, so long as the guys don't know it's even kinda sexy. You know instinctively that "Yes, dear" (Si, carino) and "Of course, Honey" (por supeustro, miel) are really the most important phrases in a couples communication so when studying Spanish, you learn those first. Next lesson is to recognize immediately that if she begins a conversation with "MENTIROSO!!!! " (LIAR!!!) dial 911. You are willing to record your arguments and play them back later at half speed to figure out what in the hell she said when she was kicking your ass. You accept that she has no qualms about whooping your ass at the drop of a hat, but a spider? That's a different story; screaming, running in place, climbing on the coffee table are all perfectly normal reactions. And if you laugh or mention any of those reactions to anyone, she defaults to kicking your ass in public. You think it's ok, hell, even kinda sexy, when she gets in a knock down, drag out cat fight with another latina over.....oh who cares, come on, it's a cat fight, how many of those do you get to see? You should see these girls wrestle over the bouquet at a wedding. AYE CARAMBA!!! You are fully aware that "Breaking up is hard to do" and "Hell hath no fury..." were originally part of the same song.......in Spanish. You can't say you weren't warned. You can hear the phrase "I don't think Lorena did enough" in conversation and not grimace or cross your legs. You can therefore accept that simply saying "The damned gringo pissed me off!!!" will likely get her aquitted for any crime she commits against you, your body, dog, car or expensive electronics. Keep power tools and any club like sporting equipment under lock and key. Teaching one to shoot is completely out of the question. Therefore, most companies require an “ACT OF LATINA” rider on your insurance policy. It could come in handy, either from her “returning your car to kit form” when she’s pissed or from you wrecking it while watching her cross the street, like in Desparado. You can tell the difference between ten songs of German influenced, accordian, campesino rap that really do all sound the same. Work on it, it's all your going to hear. That, Cheyanne, Ricky Martin, Shakira, and a little Santana. You are comfortable being "hit on" by her friends, cousins, sisters, aunts and mother. Hell, on occasions by her Grandmother. Be careful it's a test; even if Granny looks pretty good in that swimsuit. Note: Be ready; the whole family will be calling you "Tio" (Uncle) so and so from the first date. Soccer can come before breaking news on a declaration of war. You also learn to accept that during a soccer game against a country she does not like, it's a lot like being in a state of war, and there may be riots, depression, or celebratory sex depending on the outcome. You learn to cheer for her country, and eventually someone yelling "GOOOOOOAAAALLLL!!!" sounds a lot like the sex "dinner bell" to you. Nearly as important is the write up or commentary her dress gets in the local "Society" section of the paper or on TV. Random ass kickings may be distributed if the local "Mr. Blackwell" or “Joan Rivers” is not completely flattering about her ensemble. Tune in early, be ready, have chocolate handy. Note: Chocolate may very well be the only truly universal appeaser, (as much as they ever work that is). I am sure if we discovered previously unknown tribes in the Amazon or Congo, and the women got pissed, a grenade launcher full of chocolate truffles might be the only thing that could save us from a bloody rampage. Moving on... It's OK with you that EVERYTHING, even corn flakes and chocolate ice cream, gets hot sauce. You can understand that as far as dieting goes, it's perfectly OK to eat an entire 500g "Toblerone" while watching a Brazilian "TV Novela" in Portuguese, so long as she skips the next six meals and hits the gym twice a day for a week. Note: Getting a toungue ring that makes it too painful to eat is also an acceptable diet strategy. Cosmo says so, in fact you might be really surprised at the stuff Cosmo is telling her to do. God Bless Cosmo. You accept that voting for a guy because "his cousin used to go to my gym" is a legitimate political position. (Hey, it's better thought out than a lot of the liberal platforms). You know the actors on TV or at the movies can't hear her, but if it helps her enjoy the movie to yell things at the screen, fine. Sit there quietly like all the other gringos. Do not giggle or roll your eyes. Of course, when I added this one she pointed out that gringos coach tv teams when watching ball games. Then she kicked my ass. Even though her brother looks like the host of "Queer Eye; South of the Border" you know better than to mention it. If you do either your girlfriend will kick your ass............or her little bitch of a brother will. You know full well that saying any version of "it's alright honey, it must be a Latin thing" will get your ass kicked. There may, however, be make up sex. She can, of course, use versions of the same line in reverse as a "free pass". You are willing to pretend to understand how Jennifer Lopez is not a latina, and repeat at every opportunity that she's fat and you don't think she's pretty. With Salma, Shakira, and Eva Mendez you can appreciate, but better not stare, even at a poster or image on TV. Note: Humming Shakira's songs counts as staring; she already knows what you’re thinking about doing with her, the humming was just a dead give away. You know that starting a conversation with "Lucy, you got some 'splainin to do" in your best Ricky Riccardo accent will probably get you an ass whooping. Of course, the make up sex is usually worth it. You are happy to accept that she is NOT a gringa, and therefore sex for no apparent reason does not always mean she wrecked your car or that the credit card bill came in the mail today. Sometimes it's just Thursday, she likes that shirt or it's 8:15, or she's bored. Really, in that way I guess they are a lot like us guys. Bear in mind; It must be something in the water, because if you move her to the States, everything comes to a screaching halt. Unless of course she wrecks your car. You understand that sex with a Latina mandates a lots of cardio training and "continuing education program". Oh sure, sweet little doe eyed thing she is, you thought you were corrupting her, but somehow you end up regularly doing things that you didn't even know they had names for!!! Bring a note book, better yet a video camera. As with most customer service, "for quality assurance and training purposes, sessions may be recorded". Note: The good news is that "No" means "No" in Spanish. So whatever she's going on about in bed at 100 miles an hour is probably directions as to what else you should be doing. Basically, unless you hear "No!", you can pretty much take everything else as "Yeah, go on, freak me Gringo!!!". You instinctively know that despite all this, her parents are convinced she is still a virgin (at 32 and with two kids?) and any insinuation that she is not may end up with you either fed to the local oversized reptile, dragged behind a pick up truck, or set on fire.... alternately you may be set on fire, dragged behind a pick up truck and only THEN fed to the local oversized reptile. Discretion is advised. You figure since you never understood anything a “gringa” did or said or meant anyway, why not throw in a real language barrier. Hey, at least there's the sex. Speaking of which, you’ll have to come to grips with the fact that it may be impossible to find the average "gringa" attractive after extended exposure to Latinas. When returning home on vacation don't be surprised if every "Choka" (Blondie) looks like she gave up working out, gained 30# and is made up mostly of uncooked biscuit dough and chewed bubble gum. That whole “absence makes the heart grow fonder” stuff is a bunch of crap. Likewise it is pure hokum that you can have too much of a good thing. OK, so you catch a kid smoking and lock him in a closet with a carton of Camels. That might work. But when you caught me eyeing brunettes stateside and banished me to an ENTIRE CONTINENT of gorgeous, fit, tan brunettes who think I’m Brad Pitt and porno is sex education, you really just threw me in the briar patch. Back to the conditions…. You are completely aware (and will sign the waiver) that letting her leave your house crying for ANY reason may well result in you being dragged behind a pick up truck or set on fire if she gets all the way home to her family. No, it does not matter what you did or didn't do. Apologize preemptively, buy gifts, there will be make up sex. And lastly, DO NOT DATE A LATINA unless you are willing to have sex every time you are around each other, even if YOU are not in the mood. Edited September 21, 2005 by dirtypool40 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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