Duane Thomas Posted May 9, 2001 Share Posted May 9, 2001 (edited) Moderator Edit: Falsely attributed to George Carlin. See replies for the lie debunked. I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God. Hillary Clinton is a carpet-munching lesbian. My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter? I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up already. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation the world for the next four years. I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets. I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again. I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. I think Dr. Seuss was a genius. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States. If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back! Edited July 29, 2005 by Erik Warren Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Merricks Posted May 9, 2001 Share Posted May 9, 2001 Don't hold it in Duane just let it all out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duane Thomas Posted May 10, 2001 Author Share Posted May 10, 2001 Okay! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellyn Posted May 10, 2001 Share Posted May 10, 2001 Duane, I was with you until the global warming (it's here! Nearly 3 centuries of the Industrial revolution has had an effect) and police shooting running suspects comments. C'mon do you really think the police ought to be able to shoot fleeing suspects?? If the suspect is a present threat to the community, ok (i.e. armed murderer fleeing the scene etc.) but for for every one of those, there a 1000 cases where it is a 16 year old trying not to get caught w/ a beer or a joint or some guy who has a misdemeanor warrant for a traffic violation. Should the cops be able to light them up?? Or should they just have to catch them fair and square? Oh, a perfectly grilled porterhouse (rare) is the perfect food Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Duane Thomas Posted May 10, 2001 Author Share Posted May 10, 2001 Actually there's stuff in there I don't agree with, and the "cops have the right to shoot your ass" thing was one of them. However I wanted to present this without my own worldview "tidying it up." By the way, a nice rare piece of prime rib is the perfect food. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErikW Posted May 10, 2001 Share Posted May 10, 2001 I don't believe George Carlin said that or wrote that. It seems counter to many values and beliefs evident in his stand-up acts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Merricks Posted May 10, 2001 Share Posted May 10, 2001 Kelly may have a point, but I bet they sure would'nt run the next time.(If anybody reads this that knows me I'm just kidding). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellyn Posted May 10, 2001 Share Posted May 10, 2001 Shooting suspects does reduce recidivism but it leaves the prosecutors with nothing to do! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigDave Posted May 11, 2001 Share Posted May 11, 2001 Folks - isn't that a play on a speech Charlton Heston wrote at some NRA address??? I don't agree with some of the stuff in there either, but, what I think the whole thing is about is being yourself and not having to make excuses for it. All in all, I personally think if more people in this world actually spoke their mind instead of saying what your audience wants to hear (I am guilty of this, and I hate it), we would be a LOT better off. Just my $.02 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
38supPat Posted May 11, 2001 Share Posted May 11, 2001 Here's more George Carlin 1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain 3. I'm in shape...round is shape 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets 5. Do illiterate people get the fulleffect of alphabet soup? 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 7. Ever notice when you blow on a dog's nose he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? 8.Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is. 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. 11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your friends. If they are O.K., then it must be you. 12 They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a t-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. Pat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErikW Posted May 11, 2001 Share Posted May 11, 2001 OK, now that's definately not George Carlin! #6 is Lily Tomlin #9 is Ellen Degeneres Credit where credit is due. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
38supPat Posted May 11, 2001 Share Posted May 11, 2001 O.k. well I got it as a listed quote from George Carlin, and do you think comedians never swipe material from each other? Is every joke you've ever told written by you?...lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TDean Posted April 5, 2002 Share Posted April 5, 2002 George Carlin Speaks Out... I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution. I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter? I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking law, regardless of what color you are. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years. I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again. I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. I think Dr. Seuss was a genius. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Dame Posted May 11, 2002 Share Posted May 11, 2002 GEORGE CARLIN F@*!'n rulez, I have like 3 hours of his mp3's on my puter. I love his list of "words" that he does. Ifind it so hard to believe that a guy that does stand-up acts like his, would also be a childers tv show. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErikW Posted May 13, 2002 Share Posted May 13, 2002 If that's George Carlin, then I'm Janet Reno. Debunked by Snopes: http://www.snopes2.com/language/document/carlin.htm Debunked by the man himself: http://www.georgecarlin.com/georgecarlin/home/dontblame.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TDean Posted May 13, 2002 Share Posted May 13, 2002 Ain't that something! Now why the hell would somebody write that and play it off like George said it? Some people's kids, huh? And to think I was a little pawn in his game......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Dame Posted May 14, 2002 Share Posted May 14, 2002 I know he said the Big mac and Jessie Jackson stuff on one of his HBO shows, There are probably a few other lines in there that he actually said, which is why I didn't think it was a fake, DOH! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mspingy Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN by George Carlin I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican! I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it! I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American. I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English. I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to. My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying? I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one? I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good.....and I'm proud that "God" is written on my money. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years. I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again? If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derek45 Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 There's NO WAY that's George Carlin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Well said and I still like it! And yes, Derek, it's still GC... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Derek45 Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 http://www.snopes.com/language/document/carlin.htm Check his own website... http://www.georgecarlin.com/home/home.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 http://www.snopes.com/language/document/carlin.htm Check his own website... http://www.georgecarlin.com/home/home.html <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Where is my watermelon hammer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
George Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Where is my watermelon hammer? Same place as Gallagher's hair, not around anymore ;-) http://www.gallaghersmash.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merlin Orr Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Where is my watermelon hammer? Same place as Gallagher's hair, not around anymore ;-) http://www.gallaghersmash.com/ <{POST_SNAPBACK}> George What a hoot! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TDean Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Boy this is a blast from the past Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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