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Diary of a Snow Shoveler


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Diary Of A Young Couple

Aug. 12

Moved to our new home in South Dakota. It is so beautiful here. The

grasslands and hills are so serene and picturesque. Can hardly wait to

see them with snow covering them. God's Country... I love it here.

Oct. 14

South Dakota is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colors. I love the shades of red, yellow, and

orange. I went for a ride through some beautiful river bottoms and

spotted some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most

peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise... I love it here.

Nov. 11

Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill

such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity.

Hope it will snow soon... I love it here.

Dec. 2

It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white.

It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the

steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won),

and when the plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again.

What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony... I love

South Dakota.

Dec. 12

More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick again (that

rascal). A winter wonderland... I love it here.

Dec. 19

More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work

this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. Stupid snow plow.

Dec. 22

More of that white crap fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands

from shoveling. I think the snow plow man hides around the curve and

waits until I'm done shoveling this driveway, the butthead!

Dec. 25

"White Christmas" my butt! More stupid snow. If I ever get my hands

on that idiot who drives that snow plow, I swear I'll castrate him!

Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the stupid


Dec. 28

More white crap last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except

for shoveling out the driveway after "snow plow Harry" comes by

every time. Can't go anywhere, car's buried in a mountain of white

crap. The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of the crap

tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Jan. 1

Happy Flipping New Year. The weatherman was wrong (again). We

got 34 inches of the white crap this time. At this rate it won't melt

before the 4th of July. The snow plow got stuck up the road, and the

butthead had the gall to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel.

After I told him I've broken 6 shovels already, shoveling all the snow

he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his head.

Jan. 4

Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on

the way back a stupid deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about

$3000 damage to the car. Those beasts should be killed. Wish the

hunters had killed them all last November.

Apr. 3

Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is

rotting out from all the salt they keep dumping all over the road? Car

looks like a piece of crap.

Apr. 10

Moved to Texas. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would

ever want to live in God Forsaken state of South Dakota.

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  • 5 months later...

Diary of a Snow Shoveler...

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God, I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the a_-hole is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry f*#king Christmas! 20 more inches of the goddamn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wondeful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver, he is now suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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Dammit I searched, too! Ah, but they are different versions. I like the original better.

I bought a snow shovel and de-icer today. The hardware store sold out their 300 shovels before 1:00 PM. Got the last shovel at the supermarket, shoveled my sidewalk, and it was covered again in a few hours.

Honestly, it has been snowing since I came back from SoCal Tuesday night. Just blowing a few flakes around at first, then steady snow since Wednesday night. And it's not stopping tonight or tomorrow! I estimate about a foot outside my door, and I'm in the valley, not on the mountains where they get the real snow. They are going to get 10 feet by the end of New Year's Day.

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Eric- I was crying because I was laughing so hard. I had the same version on my fridge 6 years ago. We got 6-10" of the whit shit once a week, sometimes twice during February. We lived on a small court so the plow either never came up, or dumped it in the spaces for the extra cars. My buddies and I tried to buy a snowblower, but there were none to be had in the area. Oh, and we couldn't get out of the court if we could find one. The "big" one came and left 22" of hell on our court. My girlfriend asked me to come help dig her and her room mates out. I laughed so hard and for so long that she hung up on me. When we started to run out of booze/beer things got desparate. Had to call a friend with a 4x4 to drop off provisions. We now had beer and realized that night that we are running out of food. Good friend comes back with food and we drink all of our beer. This went on until March when the white shit started to melt.

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Yeh, snow is all pretty for the first few minutes. Then a foot or two later, just try getting around and getting things done! Being house-bound is a drag (without food or 'drink'). And if it goes on for too long, you just NEVER get anything done (and you starve). <_<

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I live in South Dakota!!

What's a shovel?? They invented a thing called the Snow Blower years ago and I love using it. Yesterday, it snowed and then we had a thunderstorm. Lightning, thunder a crap load of rain. Now instead of driving, you just put on ice skates. I love this state.

Texas, hmmph.



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